May 02, 2006

• Ah.. right. Did you find your keys?
• Gave up, opened a beer, then Wifey found em in the bog. Won the bet and emptied me wallet, again.
• In order to understand the immanentising of the eschaton you need to realize that everything is controlled by a the NeoCons made up of the Illuminati with help from the Jews. The conspiracy first started during WWII in the USA. They have been responsible for many events throughout history, including the assassination of JFK. Today, members of the conspiracy are everywhere. They can be identified by perversities of sexual behaviour. They want to crush the Vatican and imprison resisters in the bottom of the Mariana Trench using submarines. In order to prepare for this, we all must strike. Since the media is controlled by the Jews we should get our information from the Internet
• Makes too much sense.
• Bit of a worry Chyren. Laffin so hard got beer all over me puttputt. Wifey wants to get on this MF, reckons i'm enjoyin meself too much. Shit, more bloody words I gotta look up.
• Chyren, you child, you innocent, eshaton is the future, as such we know the past. Or more politely put: your present. There never was a 'JFK' 'SETI' is dying on the vine whilst the 'HUBBLE' decays and research into 'FUSION' and 'CONSICOUNESS' wither silently. We that can be known shall never be known by such as you, a context driven ape. But we are the future and something wonderful is happening. Join US, we weep without you.
• When I used to hear about illiterate students graduating from school, I often wondered how that was possible. But after encountering some of Monkeyfilter's more shallow strictures, I now realize that not only is it possible for people to graduate without having learned fundamental skills such as reading and writing, but that it's possible for these same people to believe that governments should have the right to lie to their own subjects or to other governments. To address this in a pedantic manner, in the rest of this letter, factual information will be prefaced as such and my own opinions will be clearly stated as opinions. For instance, it is a fact that whenever there's an argument about Monkeyfilter's devotion to principles and to freedom, all one has to do is point out that this is a transparent attempt to step on other people's toes. That should settle the argument pretty quickly. I don't mean to throw fuel on an already considerable fire, but my dream is for tired eyes to open and see clearly, broken spirits to find new energy, and weary arms to find the strength to snap Monkeyfilter's confreres out of their trance. Monkeyfilter wants to rid the world of "defective" people. That's the current situation, and if you have any doubt about the reality of it, then you haven't been paying close enough attention to what's been happening in the world. The irony is that Monkeyfilter's most dictatorial insinuations are also its most morally crippled. As the French say, "Les extremes se touchent." To bring the matter closer to home, let me remind you that Monkeyfilter wants to hoodoo us. You know what groups have historically wanted to do the same thing? Fascists and Nazis. Monkeyfilter never tires of trying to extinguish fires with gasoline. It presumably hopes that the magic formula will work some day. In the meantime, it seems to have resolved to learn nothing from experience, which tells us that all it does is complain, complain, complain. I could write pages on the subject, but the following should suffice. Monkeyfilter is planning to throw away our freedom, our honor, and our future. This does not bode well for the future, because that's just one side of the coin. The other side is that it has written volumes about how the rest of us are an inferior group of people, fit only to be enslaved, beaten, and butchered at the whim of our betters. Don't believe a word of it, though. The truth is that mass anxiety is the equivalent of steroids for it. If we feel helpless, Monkeyfilter is energized and ramps up its efforts to provide ostentatious insurrectionists with a milieu in which they can perpetuate the myth that it defends the real needs of the working class. If you've ever watched television or read a book, odds are that you already know that Monkeyfilter is not on my Christmas-card list. Now that's a rather crude and simplistic statement and, in many cases, it may not even be literally true. But there is a sense in which it is generally true, a sense in which it definitely expresses how Monkeyfilter intends to create a new social class. Malicious knee-biters, unsavory oleaginous-types, and rancorous, lazy beggars of one sort or another will be given aristocratic status. The rest of us will be forced into serving as their surrogates. On a more pedestrian level, we could opt to sit back and let Monkeyfilter destroy the values, methods, and goals of traditional humanistic study. Most people, however, would argue that the cost in people's lives and self-esteem is an extremely high price to pay for such inaction on our part. Let us now take a proactive, rather than a reactive, stance, because in that is our only hope for the future.via
• In order to understand self-linking you need to realize that everything is controlled by a MonkeyFilter cabal made up of koko with help from the petebests. The conspiracy first started during Urine Day in The Daisy May thread. They have been responsible for many events throughout history, including The Ben & Jerry thread. Today, members of the conspiracy are everywhere. They can be identified by repeated trolling. They want to ban kitfisto and imprison resisters in mofirc using 100-ton hammers. In order to prepare for this, we all must complain on trac's blog. Since the media is controlled by Tracicle we should get our information from Fes.
• In order to understand the global conspiracy for precious bodily fluids' hoarding you need to realize that everything is controlled by a cabal of Grey aliens made up of Mofites with help from Mefites, those sick fucks. The conspiracy first started during Daisy Mae's tantrum in New Zealand. They have been responsible for many events throughout history, including getting cockpunch invented. Today, members of the conspiracy are everywhere. They can be identified by that fenland business. They want to use Alnedra's hammer on those always-meeting LA MoFites and imprison resisters in quidnunc's colon using trains. In order to prepare for this, we all must resort to horse buggery. Since the media is controlled by Capt. Renault we should get our information from sexyrobot.
• In order to understand there are people who would deny that there are words which contain i before e even after c you need to realize that everything is controlled by a the 1979 Los Angeles Dodgers made up of left-handed penguins with help from pediatricians. The conspiracy first started during the world premiere of Meatballs II in Vatican City. They have been responsible for many events throughout history, including the opening of the Panama Canal. Today, members of the conspiracy are everywhere. They can be identified by inserting the word "crumpets" into every conversation. They want to shove thumbtacks into the kidneys of Pauly Shore and imprison resisters in Nell Carter's anal cavity using Pogo-sticks. In order to prepare for this, we all must urinate. Since the media is controlled by Utah Phillips we should get our information from Kirk Cameron.
• *already gets all his information from Kirk Cameron* ahh, sweet, lovely Mike Seaver, teen hearthrob turned saviour.
• Speaking of Kirk, who is that kiwi midget preacher that seems attached to his side?
• ..the operator..?
• LOLCANO
• Head...hurts...
• In order to understand Sarcasm you need to realize that everything is controlled by a Dave Clark Five made up of zombies with help from more zombies. The conspiracy first started during The XYZ Affair in the bathroom. They have been responsible for many events throughout history, including the Triangle Shirt Factory Fire. Today, members of the conspiracy are everywhere. They can be identified by lying around doing nothing. They want to act violent towards The Righteous Brothers and imprison resisters in somewhere else using pogo sticks. In order to prepare for this, we all must spit on a potato. Since the media is controlled by The Underpants Monster we should get our information from The Underpants Monster.
• What They Don't Want You to Know In order to understand freedom you need to realize that everything is controlled by a people less intelligent than you, made up of ikea with help from Wal-Mart. The conspiracy first started during the inauguration in Seattale. They have been responsible for many events throughout history, including Bloomsburg. Today, members of the conspiracy are everywhere. They can be identified by arse fingering. They want to crush your crutch the Juesuses and imprison resisters in Peckam using toilets. In order to prepare for this, we all must now. Since the media is controlled by pansies we should get our information from poseurs.
• 
• AAAAARRRRGGGGGHHH!!!!
• This may be 'too much information'...but in one of the toilets in work there is a missing ceiling tile, and everytime I have to 'negotiate the release of the brown hostages', I keep expecting a little cat to peep out at me like that. Quite unsettling. There, I've said it.
• I'm still afraid of the turd burglars. I keep jamming pointy sticks into the toilet holes to root them out, but they're very agile. When I've worked up enough of a sweat, I figure they must be tired if they're in there and I might be able to flush them. Only then will I have a sit on the pot, but before I even enter the room it's cellophane over the seat (it's how they get in), they hate cellophane. Forget public toilets. They want my poo.
• In order to understand the Removal of the Pants you need to realize that everything is controlled by a the Supreme Cort Justices made up of gays with help from the 1990 Italian World Cup Squad. The conspiracy first started during No-Pants Day 2004 in Beverley Hills 90210. They have been responsible for many events throughout history, including No-Pants Day 2005. Today, members of the conspiracy are everywhere. They can be identified by frottage. They want to kick The Brotherhood of the Panted and imprison resisters in New Jersey using cows. In order to prepare for this, we all must pre-emptively remove our pants. Since the media is controlled by MonkeyFilter we should get our information from your mother. Yeah, makes sense to me.