February 26, 2004

• I wish this was a movie so I could see it MST3Ked. The written script still makes me laugh, though. "By the surly beard of Mrifk, Grignr kneels to no man!" scowled the massive barbarian. *snorts* Someone should buy that boy a vowel.
• breaks almost every rule on style, dialog, and grammar There are no rul- oh, hang on... This is magnificent stuff. "The trek to Gorzom was forced upon Grignr when the soldiers of Crin were leashed upon him by a faithless concubine he had wooed." Glorious. Speaks to us all, really. The art of bad writing is a noble one, and can very hard to pull off. This guy was brilliant at it ("Romford was the cruelest of cities") but as anybody who's seen the TV series can testify, he couldn't maintain the standard.
• crushing her sagging nipples to his yearning chest Whew. Spicy stuff. Actually, I have read as bad, though possibly not as funny. Many years ago, a friend of mine wrote a game for the then-brand-spanking-new OS, Microsoft Windows 3.0, with the goal of learning how to program to that platform. The game had a simple storyline synthesized from Norse mythology, the better to justify dragons and giants and other critters that one might want to whack with a sword... or sorcery. To try to recover some of its development cost, my friend released the game as shareware -- what the hell! we might get beer money -- whereupon he discovered that he had written the very first role-playing game for the Windows platform. The game took off, netting 13,500 registrations over its market lifetime, and is still played today by pockets of impoverished abandonware fans. Not too shabby for a teach-yourself-GDI-in-24-hours hack. Anyway, one of my friend's users was a young man of 14 years age, in whom the game struck a creative spark. No doubt educated by a stream of Alan Dean Foster novelizations, this young man wrote the author of his favorite game, begging for the rights to write a novel based on his favorite game EVAR. Who could deny such a request from a pure heart? Many months later, all of us having forgotten the author's mighty labors, the email stork brought us our reward: tens of thousands of words of the most excruciating sword-and-sorcery slush imaginable. We deliberately didn't distribute the story, out of consideration for the tender years of the author, who when last heard from was furiously engaged in a rewrite. I long ago destroyed my copy. I do wish, however, that I had thought of reading it aloud with my friends while breathing helium-- that is inspired.
• Fantastic. Im speechless.
• You can see it MST3Kd. That was how I first read it - my friend and I agreed when playing the Eye of Argon game (reading aloud as long as possible without laughing) that laughing due to the Msting didn't count.
• Thank you, thank you, thank you jb. I'm at work, do you KNOW how hard it is to resist a MST3K read-through?