April 12, 2006

• ...listen if you don't gimme the truth, i'm gonna cook up something nasty or sing.
• A Citizen Soldier's Encounter With the Polygraph
• Probably they're looking for more versatile applicants they can use in other capacities down the road. Like those sexy prostitute spies they drop behind the Iron Curtain to try to seduce Sean Connery. Man, I'd like one of those to strap me to a chair and force me to tell the truth. /Wonder Woman fantasy Up to $97 grand to run a lie detector. Shit.
• Why do a bunch of chefs need lie detectors? "I can't believe it's not butter?"
• Polygraphs are famously unreliable. I wonder why the CIA still uses them. I suppose they are starting to focus on more HUMINT than the last couple of decades, but it won't help.
• I start to sweat when I only think about this job. Thankfully I don't qualify: "The issue of illegal drug use prior to twelve months ago is carefully evaluated during the medical and security processing." Drunks can of course apply without a problem. It's discrministation.
• Only old people could possibly have lived enough to have all those skills. Its age discrimination. And only they know how to lie and fool the detector, because they had practice!
• drunken, old, liars.
• Where is the secret agent 007 spy job listing?
• Here.
• 25 years ago, as a high school senior, I applied for a job at the NSA (No Such Agency). The polygraph examiner asked about sexual history, drug use, theft, spying, and other really personal topics. I didn't get the job, but I remember that one-hour session in detail, even today. Good times?
• The CIA has been placing adverts for "Foreign Service Operatives" in a variety of periodicals. I've seen them in the St. Louis Post-Dispatch and The Economist. Can't say I haven't been tempted, and it's not like they couldn't use the help. But hell, do I *really* want to move my family and I to the diplomatic mission in Upper Crapistan for $90K a year? Or to Langley, so I can work directly for a jagoff the likes of Porter Goss? I'll get back to ya on that, big guy.
• Sweet!!! I just got my license to kill for sending in 20 Malt o' Meal box tops.
• For $90 grand, I'd ... not bother with this one. *goes back to poverty wage job
• Why shouldn't I work for the CIA.? That's a tough one, but I'll give it a shot. Say I'm working at CIA. Somebody puts a code on my desk, something nobody else can break. So I take a shot at it and maybe I break it. And I'm real happy with myself, 'cause I did my job well. But maybe that code was the location of some rebel army in North Africa or the Middle East. Once they have that location, they bomb the village where the rebels were hiding and fifteen hundred people I never had a problem with get killed. Now the politicians are sayin', "Send in the marines to secure the area" 'cause they don't give a shit. It won't be their kid over there, gettin' shot. Just like it wasn't them when their number was called, 'cause they were pullin' a tour in the National Guard. It'll be some guy from Southie takin' shrapnel in the ass. And he comes home to find that the plant he used to work at got exported to the country he just got back from. And the guy who put the shrapnel in his ass got his old job, 'cause he'll work for fifteen cents a day and no bathroom breaks. Meanwhile my buddy from Southie realizes the only reason he was over there was so we could install a government that would sell us oil at a good price. And of course the oil companies used the skirmish to scare up oil prices so they could turn a quick buck. A cute little ancillary benefit for them but it ain't helping my buddy at two-fifty a gallon. And naturally they're takin' their sweet time bringin' the oil back, and maybe even took the liberty of hiring an alcoholic skipper who likes to drink martinis and play slalom with the icebergs, and it ain't too long 'til he hits one, spills the oil and kills all the sea life in the North Atlantic. So my buddy's out of work and he can't afford to drive, so he's got to walk to the job interviews, which sucks 'cause the shrapnel in his ass is givin' him chronic hemorrhoids. And meanwhile he's starvin' 'cause every time he tries to get a bite to eat the only blue plate special they're servin' is North Atlantic scrod with Quaker State. So what do I think? I'm holdin' out for somethin' better. Why not just shoot my buddy, take his job and give it to his sworn enemy, hike up gas prices, bomb a village, club a baby seal, hit the hash pipe and join the National Guard? I could be elected president. (modified for agency)
• Dear Mr Smedleyman (social security number 786543): Thank you for relaying your concerns on career prospects within the CIA. We are working constantly on improving our vocational guidance to help meet the job needs of today's Americans. With respect to the issue of "shrapnel in the ass", we refer you to our long-term disability benefit program, which, we are proud to state compares favorably with the private sector. We recognize that the CIA can't fulfil the aspirations of all Americans. But one should also keep in mind that the CIA offers a wide variety of intriguing opportunities besides Polygraph Examiner, Assassin etc. Consider for example the position of bookbinder, Mr Smedleyman. You seem to be a literate person who would enjoy books. Perhaps you would like to bind them. But we're underestimating your potential. Your reference to "killing all the sealife in the North Atlantic" shows a latent flare for the kind of decisive action we've been proud of in the past. We hope to hear from you soon. Yours sincerely P.Goss.
• How do you follow that? Like This?
• Bah, StoryBored beat me to it. ;)
• That's hot. ...! ...no 'tm' Funny - StoryBored
• I don't know why they don't recruit amongst the Scientologists.
• Pentagon issues hand-held lie detectors to battle terror in Afghanistan. The new device, known by the acronym PCASS, for Preliminary Credibility Assessment Screening System, uses a commercial TDS Ranger hand-held personal digital assistant with three wires connected to sensors attached to the hand. An interpreter will ask a series of 20 or so questions in Persian, Arabic or Pashto: "Do you intend to answer my questions truthfully?" "Are the lights on in this room" "Are you a member of the Taliban?"