March 30, 2006

• "Dogs are forever in the push up postion." "I did a radio interview. The DJ's first question was, 'Who are you?' I had to think, 'Is this guy really deep? Or did I drive down to the wrong station?'" "I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long." "I want to get a vending machine, with fun sized candy bars, and the glass in front is a magnifying glass. You'll be mad, but it will be too late. " "My belt holds my pants up, but the belt loops hold my belt up. I don't really know what's happening down there. Who is the real hero?" .
• Mitch Hedburg, we barely knew ye. <3
• Mitch Hedberg was one of my favorites. It is a shame, indeed, that he died so young.
• A year? Damn. "I wanna be a Nascar passenger... I wanna be the guy who irritates the driver. 'Can you turn on the radio? Boy, you really like Tide...'" Here's a bunch of Hedberg clips. .
• These quotes sound exactly like Steven Wright.
• Yes and no. Simiar vein, different take.
• Is it Mitch Hedberg Day already? We did have an obit post last year. And Mitch's material relies pretty heavily on his delivery, much like Steven Wright's material depends on his. Still, funny, funny stuff.
• Bernockle said it, it's a bit like Steven Wright but maybe slightly less surreal. I've never heard of Mitch Hedberg, so thanks for posting this, PB. me likeee.
• pretty much my favorite comedian of all time. it's sad to know that i've probably already seen and heard every performance that i'm gonna be able to.
• Uh... ignore my comment about the obit post. I didn't realize it was included in the post already. Happy Mitch Hedberg Day!
• Why do the good ones die so early?
• The escalator at the mall wasn't working, and not only did they put up a sign, they stationed security at them to make sure people wouldn't use them. I tried explaining Mitch to the guard, but it wasn't happenning.
• The escalator at the Detroit airport wasn't working, and... they let it be stairs. Apparently the folks in Detroit (or, at least, at the airport) are pretty laid-back about their person-moving technology.
• Alas, we lost a comedy genius. I put a bunch of Mitch clips in my podcast thing last year. (mp3) I did some editing -- his real pace is more moderate.
• Someone actually gave me a receipt for a doughnut (and coffee) the other day and I snickered all the way to the car.
• Anal leakage. I just wanted to make sure it was a part of all of today's posts.
• If I had to draw a parallel, I'd say he's like Steven Wright, but less surreal, and with a slightly better delivery.
• But why is it so hard to walk up or down a broken escalator? It should be just like walking up or down stairs but it isn't. At least not for me. I'm completely spastic as though my mind can't reconcile that it has to move my legs even though I'm on an escalator. And I'm on broken escalators a lot; the MBTA's motto is "Driven by customer service. But first, you'll have to walk down this broken escalator like a spazz."
• It is a bit hard to walk up and down an escalator-cum-stairs. I think it's mainly because the height between steps is greater.
• I find the visual cues disorienting -- I'm expecting to see the thing move.
• .
• I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I can't imagine a situation where I would need to prove I bought a doughnut. "Don't even act like I didn't buy that doughnut, I got the receipt right here! It's in the file! Under D. D for Doughnut." *sigh*
• I smoked fake pot with Peter Frampton. That's even cooler than smoking real pot with someone who looks like Peter Frampton... I've done that way more.
• At a stoplight, green means go, yellow means slow down, and red means stop. For a banana it's the complete opposite. Green means hold on, yellow means go right ahead, and red means, dude, where the fuck did you get that banana at?
• (a really original stand-up comedian is one in a zillion. We miss ya, Mitch.)
• "Why do the good ones die so early?" They take too many drugs. Actually, my advice would be not to stop taking too many drugs, just dont *mix* them.
• I find the visual cues disorienting -- I'm expecting to see the thing move. YES!!!1! I have this problem - whyfor that involuntary initial shudder on the cusp of a stationary escalator? Is it just that we are all so incredibly conditioned by the concept of escalation? Are there no psychological, sociological or logistical studies of this phenomenon? Is there some particularly odd way in which the ridged pattern of each stair affects the eyeball? Is it psychosomatic - the same thing happens upon the regular stairwell, but we take notice of it less, as a regular stairwell is immobilised always? What-how, whence-come, and which-cause this trippy stumble?
• Because when you're a kid the people who take you on escalators freak out until you get it right.
• I personally get pissed at people who get on the escalator and then just STAND STILL. I mean, the thing is doing half the work for you. If you just stand there, you are not helping it. You can't be bothered to even go halfway, can you? But if you do like me and walk up or down the escalator, you get up or down more quickly - and it's like a cheap-ass roller coaster ride. Plus you don't have to stand in line for an hour just to do it. That moment when you step off the last step and suddenly it's like you are being thrown forward? Yeah. You escalator-walkers and moving-sidewalk-enthusiasts know what I'm talking about. "Use caution when approaching the end of the moving sidewalk." Fuck that, I'm going to RUN off the end, and just see if I can continue standing up or not. Just to piss off the automated voice warning me not to do it. And if it's not busy, you can really fuck with people by going the wrong way up the escalator. If you make it to the top, you are a machine. (But you'll be all sweaty. Not advisable to do this on the way to a job interview.) Thanks for the links, folks. Mitch was really a funny guy.
• It should be just like walking up or down stairs but it isn't. At least not for me. Escalator geometry is totally wrong for walking up. The treads are way too deep, the risers are often too high and there is no nosing on the tread.
• I loved his act. Always wondered if he was taking something. What a waste. "I'm buying a doughnut. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this transaction."
• People who walk on moving escalators are in too damn much of a hurry. Slow down and enjoy the ride.
• Stand to the right, walk to the left, everybody happy. And watch out for live frogs.
• I like to tap dance on escalators. It freaks people out.
• Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus, or just a really cool Opotamus? This guy was fucking hysterical. His jokes were good but his stoner delivery was priceless. One of his jokes gave it all away though: I like the Fed Ex delivery man, he's a drug dealer and doesn't even realize it, and he's always on time.
• "I find that a duck's opinion of me is influenced by whether or not I have bread. A duck loves bread, but he does not have the capability to buy a loaf. That's the biggest joke on the duck ever. If I worked at a convenience store, and a duck came in and stole a loaf of bread, I would let him go. I'd say, 'Come back tomorrow, bring your friends!' When I think of a duck's friends, I think of other ducks. But he could have, say, a beaver in tow. Cause if you're an animal, you want to have a beaver as a friend, cause they have some kick-ass houses. That shit is on the lake. Lakeside my ass, lake on!" Timing.
• These quotes sound exactly like Steven Wright. You could also say Steven Wright reads like Henny Youngman, George Carlin like Lenny Bruce, Robert Townsend like George Burns... albeit alter the topical clock, reference level and ethnicity, respectively. People aren't that original, but people who can make unoriginal original are doing a damn good job fooling us. Mitch Hedberg was one of those people. Back to your Koala Bear infestations.
• Cutest.infestation.evar.