March 22, 2006

• S'not open to Canadians. J'ACCUSE, TREBEK! J'ACCUSE!!!
• IE is required? and no pop-up blockers? I thought they'd be going after the smart crowd.
• ANAL BUM COVER! /SNL
• What is a generic Jeopardy joke?
• In a small cathedral Alec Trebek was praying in a pew when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked Alec Trebek, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back." Being the helpful sort, Alec Trebek agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex." Stunned, Alec Trebek had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation Alec Trebek peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?" In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke.
• Maybe they can have a Monkeyfilter Theme Week!
• Sorry Argh, but you have to phrase your punchline in the form of a question.
• "Two Snickers bars and a Coke?"
• well I for one plan to sign up and live out my long held dream of being humiliated on tv..woohoo!
• "S'not open to Canadians. They're obviously afraid of our Superior Intellect. (It's the Maple Syrup. All that sugar gives our massive brains extra processing energy. The fact that we don't let the good shit out of the country explains Trebek's long slide into slovenly mediocrity.)
• Wait, Alex Trebek is Canadian and he specifically denied Canadians access to the online quiz? Oh, snap!
• Perhaps he's preventing the collapse of your house-of-cards economy by not letting Canadians take out billions of dollars in prize money. Canadians are nothing if not charitable. Oh, snap!
• What is, touchè?
• The day is mine, Trebek!
• Trebek is an alumni of my university. Fuck.
• I'll take Snakes on a Plane for $800, Alex.
• "Ralph, it is one of the largest snakes made by this Seattle-based aerospace company."
• *buzzes* What is the Boeing Constrictor?
• Captain Renault, yes indeed. What is the Boeing Constrictor? Captain Renault in the lead. Your turn to pick a category.
• I'll take Foreign Fucks for $1,000.-
• "Foreign Fucks for $1000 it is. Of Catherine Deneuve, Ursula Andress and Brigitte Bardot, the one not mentioned by Sean Connery on April 15, 2000."
• Who is Sean Connery.
• I'll take Presidential Tics for $400, Alex.
• *bzzt* No, I'm sorry. The answer is "Who is Brigitte Bardot". Yes indeed. "Who is Brigitte Bardot"
• Hawthorne, Presidential Tics for $400: This popular finger gesture meaning victory or peace was used by what asshole President as he left the white house for the last time?
• Who is Harrison?
• bzzzt. No, sorry.
• I'll take Poo Flinging for $400.
• Blue, this flung poo is also an excellent garden mulch.
• I'll take the rapist for 500, Alex...
• You can't take Poo Flinging from RalphTheDog! He's one of the contestants! You can't just shout out categories whenever you want to! You can't make up category names like Presidential Tics! It's outrageous and if you don't stop it I will refuse to renew my contract! This is Jeopardy, for Chrissakes!
• Potent Potables for $200.
• Well, I just signed up to take the test. If I get it, it'll be the second game show I've tried out for this year! (I didn't make it, but the try-out was fun.)
• I'll take monkeys and make it a true daily double.
• Roly, it sure is a tasty drink — but attempt the act of the same name, and you might fall a-fowl of the ASPCA.
• *bzzzt* Ah, what is a "Mallard Fizz"?
• *bzzzt* What is "Fuck a Duck"?
• I'm sorry, but the correct answer is "cock punch." Roly, you have the board.
• How could you miss "cock punch"? Ain't none of you going to pass this test! Pffft!
• Hey, easy now, I was drunk! *hic*
• You know what would be cool? If a bunch of monkeys got on the show, and one show was three monkeys against each other, and the producers didn't even know it but they were having a monkey theme night!
• I would totally make petebest my bitch on that show. "Yes, Alex, I'll take reasons petebest should get me a fucking beer RIGHT NOW for two thousand."
• No way. I'd totally run the table on categories like "My Fat Cock", "Famous Self-Linkers", and "Subatomic Particle Theories of the Tenured and Eccentric".
• Okay, I signed up. Am I supposed to receive an email with instructions? I dun get it.
• *beep* "Yes, Alex, what is the sort of thing petebest would say to overcompensate for his inferiority complex?'"
• I'm sorry, but the correct answer was; "What are mindbending orgasms?". What are mindbending orgasms. Okay! RalphTheDog, you have control.
• ok I've signed up. now about those mindbending orgasms...
• I'll take California Porn Queens for $1,000.
• and its the 'daily double'!!!!
• All in.
• So how'd you do? I fucked it up.
• What'd you get for #17?
• I do mine thursday evening...I'll keep ya's posted!
• Hey Ralph, What is V for Vagina?
• Could you please phrase your question in the form of an answer?
• Yes, I could?
• *studio audience applause*
• Did anyone else take the test? I took it last night and I think I did okay, considering I was juggling a baby who did not want her bottle and dictating answers to Mr. Mickey, who is not the best typist. If you're taking the test tonight, my advice would be to pay attention to the category name which appears above the question. Sometimes that makes a big difference.
• Just curious - while you were juggling the baby, was there McCartney music playing in the background?
• I just took the test, I think I did alright
• What did you win? A NEW CAR!!??
• THIS FABULOUS WASHER AND DRYER!
• *ding!* *ding!* *ding!* *ding!* *ding!* *ding!* *ding!* *studio audience applause*
• I was really hoping for the lifetime supply of Rice-a-roni *weep*
• So how did everyone do? I got an audition. It's in a few weeks. (Of course, all that happens if you pass the audition is that you wind up in the contestant pool, which does not necessarily mean that you'll wind up on the show.)
• PS I think I missed around 3 questions or so.
• *studio audience applause for verbminx*
• good god. I missed way more than 3. Congrats, verbminx!
• well I haven't heard anything, so I guess I didn't get an audition?? make us proud verbminx, we'll all be watching!!
• Wow, verby that is teh cool.
• It's baaaaack!
• Are they still discriminating against Canadians, or do they now want to improve the calibre of contestants?
• I don't see owt about it in the rules. And there's an "N/A" option for "State."
• *wrings hands expectantly*
• Whoosh! Louis is preggers!
• Trebek in, uh, jeopardy.
• Then the day ish mine! /Connery
• ANAL BUM COVER!