March 14, 2006

• Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha hah ha hahahahahahahahaahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahah and ha.
• Now you gone and broke the page, monkeylion! Carriage returns are your friend. I predicted that Hayes would quit as soon as I saw that episode. I'm actually quite surprised that it took this long. And Matt Stone hits the nail right on the head when he says that Hayes didn't mind making fun of Christianity for, what is it... 9 seasons now?
• Not to mention Judaism. The "Jew Scouts" episode, anyone? I'll miss Chef, but a big whatever to Hayes.
• Okay, so let's please begin the list of utterly hideous and offensive jokes/topics that South Park has done in the past that Mr. Hayes has not been offended by. Why don't I start? #1: Cartman making fun of the victims of 9/11 during his uncle's version of "The Aristocrats" (Embedded WMV, extremely NSFW)
• Yeah, well I'm sure mr Hayes has a lot of other work that takes up his time.
• And there was that whole abortion/stem cell research episode! What is the DEAL with Scientology anyway?!!!! Why are they so easily-offended all of a sudden? Gads, I am so *sick* of whiny extreme religions.
• I'm sure they'll come up with a funny reason why Chef has a new voice.
• It's rude to take your chocolate salty balls and go home.
• It wasn't me. I swear. The scientologists did it.
• Come on guys. The church forced him to quit in public outrage. That's the way those fuckers operated. It's doubtful he wanted to quit.
• Damn. Thats like Sid Vicious saying 'the kids of today aint got no respect'... u twat Hayes, way to go.
• Hey now, give a brothah a break. Knicky was right - they have an e-meter to his head. Quit the show or be masticated by giant space aliens. There's yer fuckin' ultimatum.
• Perhaps he was worried he might catch Teh Gay. And you know how those Scientologists feel about disease.
• Poke any religion/quasi religion with a sharp stick ooooooh see who bleeds. See the belief in the teachings of 'turn the other cheek'....... (No fun at all in pokin those who openly espouse intolerance - bit like standing on a meat ants nest [sorry Australian childhood reference]) Most preach it - few live it
• Turn the other cheek only applies to the other guy.
• All religion is balls. It fucks us all up. Religion based on fucking space aliens is no fucking different. Fuck 'em, Fuck 'em all, I say. Fuck, Fuck, Fuckity Fuck!!! You will respect mah authoritaaaaah!!!! (Any offence caused to fellow monkeys who harbour religious feelings is totally unintentional, please don't quit the show, er, site.)
• Go kitfisto now where do i tithe?
• Religion has fulfilled important social roles. Without Religion, it's entirely possible and likely that we'd still wouldn't have technologies like the printing press, or paper even. Religion provided the motive for these technologies. The Holy Bible is the most printed book ever, and has been since the invention of the printing press. Religion also has helped society by providing health tips. The native Hawai'ian religion forbid women from eating red colored fish. This ban prevented pregnant women from eating certain species of fish that are now known to cause birth defects in pregnant women. The Holy Bible is full of health tips, like always carrying a small spade in the city, so that you can bury your poo. Most religions have have some rituals/requirements/decrees that had a side consequence of making them healthier. This is one of the things that makes a religion successful: it keeps it's members alive longer and healthier than they would've been without the religion. But now that we have books and medicine, is religion still contributing to our society? Yes, in architecture. Most structures built today are built solely for function. But when a church is built, it's often a work of art. For some reason, humans aren't willing to construct beautiful buildings unless they suffer for religion. Until the non-religious can acquire this trait (of appreciating beautiful architecture) from the religious, Religion will still be needed in society.
• I dunno, I've seen plenty of ugly utilitarian churches in my day, most of them built in the last fifty years. Anyway, what is a person with religious scruples of ANY kind doing involved with a show like SP? It's the kind of show none of us would admit to our pastors/priests/mullahs/chief druids/grand wizards that we watched, let alone helped make.
• I've seen plenty of beautiful architecture that was not religious. I don't need religion to appreciate beauty. And am amazed that anyone could think that I would. I can't argue with that 'do unto others' schtick, it's just the rest of the 'stop that, put that down, you must die' bollocks... Anyway, hands up who likes kittens.
• Even when I was a devout Catholic, grandiose, religiously-inspired architecture bothered me. I can appreciate it, but... y'know?
• I have a feeling that Hayes was pressured/bribed by the "Church" to do this. They have a long history of deploying celebrities as their unofficial PR wing -- I remember they sent Hayes along with a lot of other celebrities to testify before Congress about the "horrible prejudice" they suffered at the hands of the German government -- so I'm sure this was a calculated move on their part rather than a spontaneous change of heart on Hayes's. But boo to him for such blatant hypocrisy. Gotta be willing to turn that gun on yourself. The episode will never be aired again on TV due to pressure CoS put on the distribution company, but you can still download it at Operation Clambake. If you haven't seen it, it's pretty damn funny. One of the funniest South Park episodes ever, I think. Particularly the closing credits.
• Ummm...Nope. The episode airs again tomorrow night. They're advertising it heavily.
• And yes, it's possibly the best one I've ever seen.
• The end credits alone are genius.
• Really? THE INTERNET LIED TO ME!
• Why has everything on this Filter involved something going into or coming out of quid's ass?!?
• AV Club interview with Hayes about two months ago.

  AVC: There's some pretty harsh satire on South Park. They don't really care who they offend. IH: But that's their thing! They're success was built on that cutting-edge stuff. I've had to defend them a lot of times. One time on BET Tonight I defended them because Tavis Smiley, the host on that show, was coming at me. It was a call-in show, too, so people were calling in. I told them not to take this stuff seriously. If you do, you'll get in trouble. Just enjoy it. Remember your high-school yearbook? You look at those pictures now, you laugh, right? That's what South Park is. You got to laugh at it. Because we cursed, but we just didn't dare let the principals, the teachers, or the preachers hear it. And we didn't turn out bad, okay? Just look at it that way. Also, usually there's some kind of moral message at the end for the kids, by the Chef. AVC: They did just do an episode that made fun of your religion, Scientology. Did that bother you? IH: Well, I talked to Matt and Trey about that. They didn't let me know until it was done. I said, "Guys, you have it all wrong. We're not like that. I know that's your thing, but get your information correct, because somebody might believe that shit, you know?" But I understand what they're doing. I told them to take a couple of Scientology courses, and understand what we do. [Laughs.]

• Maybe they're airing a bowderlized version?
• I wish that people could be made to realize that Scientology is just a get-rich-quick scheme that preys on the simple-minded and the celebrities. It's really, really sad that nobody has found a way to shut this heaping pile of steaming crap down. So, sad for South Park. Isaac Hayes is either pressured to do this, or hypocritical enough to do it on his own. Really lowers my opinion of him - kind of like seeing someone use an AOL email, you can't help but go "oh, man... and here I thought you were cool." And Tom Cruise? Feh. People need to stop letting him think his opinions on anything matter at all.
• Mct, in my opinion, that interview proves that they forced him to quit. Again, a bunch of whiny babies. On a side note, doing a quick Wikipedia search on Scientology celebs, I had no idea that Earthlink was founded and funded by Scientologists!
• Scientology is electifying!
• Man, this news makes me so sad I need to get on antidepressants.
• **waves hands** I like kittens. Umm, Mr. Knick, where in the bible does it say anything about poo shovels? I thought I'd read all the interesting bits, but I must have missed that one.
• "And lo, it was written: go not into your brothers' lands without your poo-shovel, lest you should feel the urge to 'curl off a bungle's finger', for it is bad manners to leave said finger upon his streets." From Exodus, I believe. It then goes on to nix wrapping it in paper, setting it on fire then playing 'knock and run' too.
• I thought it was in John? "And woebetide he that turd-burgles the fruit of his neighbor's balloon knot, for the lord sayith that any man's meat and honey becometh one with the dusty street by the holey poo-digger and then it is the lord's, and he who diobeys this law of God shall be smitten in the stones tenfold the threshold of a eunuch." - John, Number 2
• No, you heathens! It's Deuteronomy 36:5-17: "Yay, and whenst thou hast stoned the women-folk and slayn the homosexuals and kicked people with a dreaded skin disease and ripped up thy underpants of mixed fabric and whipped thyself for thy nakedness before THE LORD, then takest thou thy poo-shovel so that thou might hide thy dung, for when THE LORD cometh to thy camp he wouldst not accidentally step in thy shit with his sandles of righteousness."
• Deuteronomy 23:12-14 (New International Version) 12 Designate a place outside the camp where you can go to relieve yourself. 13 As part of your equipment have something to dig with, and when you relieve yourself, dig a hole and cover up your excrement. 14 For the LORD your God moves about in your camp to protect you and to deliver your enemies to you. Your camp must be holy, so that he will not see among you anything indecent and turn away from you. In Ezekiel, YHWH offers an alternative, but gets negotiated down by Zeek: 12 Eat the food as you would a barley cake; bake it in the sight of the people, using human excrement for fuel." 13 The LORD said, "In this way the people of Israel will eat defiled food among the nations where I will drive them." 14 Then I said, "Not so, Sovereign LORD! I have never defiled myself. From my youth until now I have never eaten anything found dead or torn by wild animals. No unclean meat has ever entered my mouth." 15 "Very well," he said, "I will let you bake your bread over cow manure instead of human excrement."
• But baking cakes over human shit gives them that lovely nutty taste! How else do ya think popcorn was invented?
• Ummmm . . . forest fire? Ooh! ooh! Aliens!
• No. Roasting the poo resulting from a nice meal of corn on the cob. That's how. Ask anyone.
• Wait a sec! If you take poop for roasting does that mean you turd-burgle? Notice how Numbers 1 and 2 tell you how to poop and John, Deuteronomy, Roamans, and Exodus can't agree on where to poop or what to do with it. But it's all gotta be true, 'cuz it's in the bible!
• So that's what "smoted" means.
• [12] Thou shalt have a place also without the camp, whither thou shalt go forth abroad: [13] And thou shalt have a paddle upon thy weapon; and it shall be, when thou wilt ease thyself abroad, thou shalt dig therewith, and shalt turn back and cover that which cometh from thee: [14] For the LORD thy God walketh in the midst of thy camp, to deliver thee, and to give up thine enemies before thee; therefore shall thy camp be holy: that he see no unclean thing in thee, and turn away from thee.
• Roryk: Well done! Next time let's use the Real Bible. *pops popcorn, pulls up chair, sets down shovel, gets ready to watch the Which Version is the *Real* Holy Bible Fight*
• Oh, that's easy! The one true faith is Aaack! *clunk*
• Blessed are the cheesemakers!?
• > Next time let's use the Real Bible. is that like the streaming media version?
• If the Vulgate was good enough for Spock, it should be good enough for you disgusting sinners.
• AAARGH! They pulled the ep!!!
• What, the South Park? It's still up.
• Oh, which reminds me: CoS blocked it in the UK, not the US. Bonus points in that link for pointed use of the term "robustly heterosexual."
• Tom Cruise reportedly forced U.S. network Comedy Central to cancel the repeat of a "South Park" episode about Scientology by threatening to boycott publicity events for "Mission: Impossible III," according to media reports. South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone issued an statement to Daily Variety saying, "So, Scientology, you may have won this battle, but the million-year war for earth has just begun! "Temporarily anozinizing our episode will not stop us from keeping Thetans forever trapped in your pitiful man-bodies. "Curses and drat! You have obstructed us now, but your feeble bid to save humanity will fail! Hail Xenu." The statement is signed "Trey Parker and Matt Stone, servants to the dark lord Xenu."
• I love them. Thank you for feeding Scientologists' deepest fears, Matt and Trey. And thank you for Orgazmo.
• *applauds wildly*
• Hmm, I may just have to switch my loyalties from Cthulhu to Xenu...
• Xenu has better dental. Though with Cthulhu, more personal days.
• Isaac Hayes had a stroke and apparently is in no shape to care, much less issue a statement, about religious frippery on South Park.
• Sounds like celebrity gossip so far. Are there any more respectable sources than a Fox News gossip page?
• South Park's Chef Back--But Not Hayes
• Finally it can be revealed - I will be the new voice of Chef. Awww yeaahhh mmMMMmmmmmm! *bow chicka bow*
• Scientology Claims Another Victim Hmm, imagine if Dubya converted to Scientology...
• Anybody else watch South Park tonight? Yeah, I think it was fairly subtle too.
• Darth Chef. love it.
• Just watched it. Holy shit.
• And? Link? Eh?
• Joo got bittorrent, maing?
• ahhhh wink wink nudge! eh?! eh?!
• dat was funny tv.
• I just about fell out of my chair when he shit himself. I mean, someone's going to hell for that, and I suspect I may be a member of that party.
• I saw the death scene on YouTube. They really, really wanted to degrade Chef's character, didn't they? I mean ew.
• Well, they did both, degraded him and defended him. You have to watch the whole ep. At his funeral, for instance, one of the kids gives a speech about how none of this was Chef's fault, that we shouldn't be mad at him, but rather at the "fruity little club" for fucking with his mind. Also, during that death scene, notice the extra vigorous "YOU BASTARD!" when he dies. I think that was intentional. I think that was their way of expressing their anger at Scientology for mind-fucking their friend Isaac and driving a wedge between them.
• That's how I read it, too, mct. It was a fist-shaking warcry to Scientology. I have to wonder how that episode got past censors but the other can't be aired. I also have to wonder how Tom Cruise has even the tiniest bit of clout anywhere anymore, let alone enough to make Comedy Central pull an episode of its most popular show. (Although I doubt Hayes would be happy with the editing of his voice to make Chef continually talk about how he wants to molest children.)
• So - any truth that the Scientology office of some sort issued that press release regarding his exit from the Show? So far, all I've seen is that Fox News reported that since he's been in hospital due to stroke, he hasn't released anything about quitting the show. But it's Fox News. That's like saying I heard it on the playground.
• Easter South Park episode
• I like the part when Jesus shits on the American flag.
• cause, that is, like, so TOTALLY less blasphemous than showing the Prophed Muhammad.
• Prophet, pardon me. Please.
• But it's Fox News. That's like saying I heard it on the playground. This is wonderful. It ought to be repeated everywhere. I also have to wonder how Tom Cruise has even the tiniest bit of clout anywhere anymore, let alone enough to make Comedy Central pull an episode of its most popular show. Tom Hanks and Tom Cruise are probably the two most bankable brand name actors in Hollywood at the moment and studios know it. While one actor alone isn't responsible for any film's success, that's how the actors command their high salaries and help greenlight films. Take a look at the grosses of the last 5 films Cruise has been in: War of the Worlds: $234 million Collateral: $100 million The Last Samurai: $111 million Minority Report: $132 million Mission Impossible II: $215 million And those grosses are just for the US alone. Internationally, it's higher. Now Hollywood is stupid in all sorts of ways. For instance, they'll keep on thinking of the gross, and not factor in the production costs and the ever-escalating marketing expenses. But this is the way they think, so when one of their stars, who they rightly or wrongly ascribe a movies success to, wants some offensive show pulled... eh, why not? We'll sell that South Park episode on the DVDs anyway, they think. The controversy is already created and we might get more viewers that way. Hey, throw Tom a bag of all red M&Ms while we're at it. What? He might think they're psychiatric drugs which he eschews? Okay, never mind. Send him a fruit basket. What? That might be taken the wrong way too? Okay, uh, well, just pull the episode that one time. Thanks. Ciao!
• Ay, caramba! Nancy Cartwright donates nearly two years' salary to Scientologists
• D'oh!
• What's the Scientology equivalent of an Indulgence?
• A Self-indulgence.
• Ba-dump-dump!
• Na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na na Xe-nu! Damn. First 'My name is Earl', now the Simpsons...?
• I'm still not over Catherine Bell and Jenna Elfman.
• I'll never be over Jenna Elfman.
• How about Macho Grande?
• I'll take Hamm on five. Hold the Mayo.
• WHY DO YOU ALL HATE MAYONNAISE SO MUCH!?!?!?!
• Perhaps Miss All-Caps Pissypants ought to review this page. And pass the mayo.
• They invited me to be a judge in the Miss All-Caps Pissypants Pageant, but then they canned me when they found out I tell men's fortunes from the stains on their neckties.
• I realize that, but there have been several mayonnaise-hating comments of late. And I'm going to find them all when I get home. And post them here to win the pissypants title.