March 10, 2006

Curious George: Am I a sexual deviant? How do I explain an odd fetish to my new partner?

I was spanked by my dad as a child and as a result have vowed to never spank my own children. At some point I would like to tell this to my new love interest, if the subject of children and child rearing comes up. Here's the catch - sometimes during especially active sex, I like to be spanked. Am I a freak? Sick and twisted? How would you feel if you heard both of these things from a new partner? Should I tell one and not the other? Give up the fetish? I'm female, if that makes a difference.

posted by J. Doe 18 years ago
  • it all sounds pretty normal to me... go for it...
  • Yeah, you're a goddamned fucking pervert. Now wait there til I come round with the rubber & whips.
  • Spanking? You're kidding, right? Now, if you liked shitting on a piece of glass over some guys face while letting a cobra slither up your snatch, wearing a Nazi uniform and getting pissed on while being spanked, we might have something to talk about. Now run on home to "daddy" and have fun.
  • I think what Koko's trying to say is that enjoying spanking is fairly common. And that her sex life is far more exciting than all of ours.
  • Geez, Koko! *secretly awaits photo depiction of this description*
  • Dear God. You know how many women I've... *remembers that missustool reads MoFi* ...COUNSELED to embrace their sexual desires? After church? Seriously. Half the women I've slept with liked at least a firm pat on the rear. Not a big deal at all.
  • And that her sex life is far more exciting than all of ours. Yeah ... that's right! MUCH more exciting .... *weeps quietly*
  • Not a deviant. Not even if you wear your hair in pigtails while you get spanked. Not even if he powders your bottom with baby powder afterward.
  • Okay, this thread is making me horny now.
  • Ewww, this conversation is disgusting. I am not resubscribing.
  • *spanks MonkeyFlitter with a stuffed clown*
  • "I'm hankerin' for a spankerin'..."
  • I spank, really really hard. Listen, everyone likes to be fucked, alright? And part of that is spanking. Also, hair pulling, pinning down, you know, physical domination (amongst other things). Any women/girls who disagree can speak up now. It should be a part of your repetoire. Sex is dumb if you don't go all out.
  • I also torture women with the unbearable tension of extreme pleasure.
  • Yeah, and another thing, mr. classtool is right about: I'm sick of 'counseling' young women on this stuff. I've gone through stacks of these winsome young things and it's a shame how many girls just don't know how to have fun. Weed helps (more than alcohol) Hope this helps!
  • j. doe, you are as normal as the next weirdo!! and I mean that in a good way. as long as you are able to determine the difference between your own adult consensual pleasures and appropriate child rearing/disciplining programs, you are healthy!! enjoy the special frission that spankings give you and don't worry that it 'means' anything in regards to other areas of yr life!!!
  • Oh wait you're a woman. Who likes to be spanked. First of all, fetishism I believe implies that the fetishized act must be performed for, you know, satisfaction. Technicalities aside, no you shouldn't give it up, since it's 1. totally normal and 2. very satisfying for the man (or woman) doing the spanking (at least in my experience and from what I've heard about other guys). Now, if you have a partner that doesn't want to spank you, that's a little odd.
  • PS Pics???
  • J. Doe, there are even places that will sell you special butt whackin' implements to enhance your fun. [link is NSFW in case it's not abundantly clear. The linked page is OK mostly, but the rest of the site is naughty].
  • Everyone has something kinky in them. Everyone. Some are just more open with their interests, others bury them deep down and probably get as much sexual excitement from concealing them as actually living them. Now, go get in a conversation about saucy stuff, tell this person you like spanking and ask what s/he is into and then start living it out. And remember, if you can't adequately explain something then demo it, have fun with the show and tell--make it hot, not clinical.
  • There are certain ass-motions that communicate this desire if the words aren't coming easy to you.
  • Monkeyfilter: at least a firm pat on the rear
  • Oh, and if you and yours doesn't know about spanking, This book is readily available and is considered the first buy for learning technique. A proper spanking is much a much better experience for both parties and hence, much more fun.
  • So great... now we've gone and confirmed this poor girl's suspicions. It appears she IS a sexual deviant... just in the exact opposite way from what she thought.
  • Sweet Mothra. I guess what you're all saying is that if I don't like being spanked, then I'm the only sexual deviant around here!
  • Have you seen the ads in the back of Harper's magazine? There seem to be many services that cater to one of your peculiar tastes.
  • Geez, In MY day we just had plain ol' missionary-style sex. AND WE LIKED IT! Love, (without spankin's) Yer GramMa
  • There is absolutely wrong with a good smack on the ass. As long as everyone's enjoying themselves.
  • J.Doe... feel fine about it... and I say that, assuming you're a female. If you're male... also feel fine about that. Physical domination in a sexual relationship, done under controlled and normal circumstances is absolutely fine. That said... (as I've been away from MoFi for a time, but now have returned), wtf is up with Chy? He gets props for being a douche in every thread? Or is it some common known thing to ignore his dumbassness... and just poke fun at it instead of telling Chy that he's being a fucktard... /tangent I'd just like to know, so I can block his posts, or join in on the fun...
  • Lots of adults choose not to spank their children, whether they were spanked themselves or not. And lots of adults enjoy a brisk slap to the ass during foreplay or sex. I mean LOTS. So stress not. Actually your new partner will probably think it's pretty damn hot.
  • (as a side note, I'd be much more tolerant of Chy's types of comments, if it hadn't shown up in several Curious George comments recently... in a normal FPP, it's funny and kinda irrevent in its own way, in a CG post, it's just damn rude, depending on the given topic. Considering the last few have, IMHO, been pretty heartfelt, Chy can kiss my hairy ass... One thing for sure... Chy Stinks!!!)
  • ...cobra slither up your snatch, wearing a Nazi uniform... The hardest part is keeping the uniform on the little bastard. I like sucking on noses.
  • You are asking perverts if you're a pervert. This post kinda reminds me of the movie Nightbreed. I've known a few girls who would spank themselves and encourage me to do it. I always thought they were trying to cater to a percieved fetish they thought I had, and I never got into it. Now I realize they were trying to get me to cater their fetish. Had I known, I would've been able to respond with more enthusiasm than I did. So tell him. He's not going to figure it out on his own, even if you give him big fucking.
  • aaah! big fucking clue. Freudian typo.
  • Chy is the official MoFi curmudgeon. It's best if you just learn to like it.
  • Chy is the official MoFi curmudgeon. It's best if you just learn to like it. UNDERSTOOD...YEAH I THOUGHT I REMEMBERED HIM FROM THE IRC CHANNEL... THOUGH I REMEMBER SURLYBOI, WHO I SAW (RARELY) IN A THREAD EARLIERY WAS ALWAYS MORE CONDUCIVE TO CONVERSATION THAN A RETARD... Sorry, just realized I had my CAPS lock and am too lazy to retype the above message... Sorry to derail the thread, and I apologize to Chy...
  • As I was saying.. spanking is good in a purely adult sense. My parents beat the ever loving shit out of me...I've never been able to spank my lover, no matter how much she wants to ask me... the important thing to remember is, however, is that unimportant stuff like spanking should not be a crux in your relationship. My lovers have always understood this, as because it's not the central point of our relationship... That said if you want to explore that side of you, take your time, and let your partner know you want to take your time. I know that if it EVER was something important to my lover, I would indulge that impulse if it was so important. (meaning that it could be close to a "crux" of your relationship) If so, than pursue it to all means, if not, meh... but that really is just my measly two cents...
  • Christ, spanking? Where's the knee-high waders? Or the cream cakes? Or the frogs? /bbf OT- re: chyren. a bit rough around the edges, but he's harmless. imho he's a lot like quonsar in that respect... dry, sardonic, surprisingly intelligent, loved/reviled internet curmudgeons. (on preview: curse you, nickdanger!) and they both enjoy pwning n00bs. i do remember (~8 years ago, if you can believe it.. i'll share stories another time) when i thought he came across as rude and self-righteous. now, i generally enjoy chy and think he's valuable member of the community. so i guess you could say it's more of an acquired taste. on second preview: a fucktard in IRC? that might've been me, then. i've never seen chy there...
  • Yeah... it's been AWHILE since I've been in MoFi IRC... someone should dredge that thread up as it was pretty fun while it lasted... (at least while I was there)... Don't get me wrong, don't mean to Chy bash, not my point... just that he seems pretty mean for this crowd, but, it's been awhile... so I guess I just have to get used to it. Not a problem, but I remember pissing off moneyjane... I felt really bad about it... but I digress... this is not the thread to be speaking about this... Chy... and especialy J.Doe have my apologies..
  • Um, back to the actual post topic... The supposed reason many people, particularly women, enjoy a firm 'n tingly slap on the ass during-or-as-a-prelude-to sex is most likely because it brings more blood to the pelvic area, which they say can increase pleasure/excitement. Not as much so for men, because, well, many of them already have a lot of blood in the area, so to speak. (That is to say: erection.) Male arousal is more visual than female arousal, and usually a bit easier/faster. That's almost all there is to it.
  • Have you seen the ads in the back of Harper's magazine? Fuck, that's exactly what came on my mind as I started reading this post. Deviant? For some people, anything more than no-foreplay missionary with a full gown and the lights off is a perversion. As all monekys have told, as long as it's consensual, go for it. Of course, talk, talk, communicate before the deed: certain surprises aren't adequate for when you're inside the sheets. Personally, I find spanking just a tad too raw but to each his/her own. And somebody on this thread posted a personal kink of mine. Who would have known...
  • Two words: Haagen-Sexz. Spanking is sooo pedestrian.
  • I like kissing.
  • On the mouth? Freak.
  • I also like to hold hands. I once even nibbled on an ear!
  • (I see we no longer have much in the way of, uh, focus when it comes to answering Curious posts.) But anyway, J. Doe, spanking isn't especially unusual. I would say "in this day and age," but I'd guess it's probably one of the oldest mainstream kinks. Hell, it's hard to find *Victorian* porn without it. If someone freaks out at spanking they're pretty conservative in the bedroom.
  • Monkeyfilter: pretty conservative in the bedroom
  • I spent a great deal of my life being very uncomfortable with what I liked in bed, so I understand those feelings you are having really well. I still have a hard time admitting that I like, ahem, a hard fuck and some domination. Now, this is coming from someone who was NEVER spanked and had as perfect a childhood as one can have. It's all perfectly normal, especially as you can get off without the spanking. Now, if you could only have an orgasm after being hit really hard across the face several times, that would be cause for pause. Now, I need to cruise the internet for ActuallySettle's home phone.
  • Hmm. Some custom Burning Rubber? NSFW, probably.
  • Er, that link should go here.
  • D'ya know, I could have sworn I commented in this thread a minute ago, and now it's not here... So, if anyone comes across a random offer of a spanking in another thread, um, well....sorry!
  • I should have thought, J. Doe, that the point about your children could best be deferred for a while - a new partner surely won't immediately assume they have the right to discipline your children, let alone with any form of corporal punishment. I think if I were in a newish relationship and the object of my affections just started whacking my children without prior consultation, it would make me tink twice about the relationship.
  • J, I certainly hope that you find happiness in expressing your sexuality in whatever way you see fit. Of course, the Holy Scriptures tell us that if your male friend places even one single fingernail upon your - pardon my language - bottom, outside the sanctity of marriage, you will burn forever in Satan's oven-like realm while you scream, scream, scream in horrible pain and worms devour your eyeballs and rats gnaw on your privates. So that might be something you want to bear in mind too, while you gorge yourself on the heathen "advice" proffered by the mob of scabby fornicating perverts on this website.
  • > I'm female, if that makes a difference this makes all the difference. being female, your preference is teh hawt. were you male, you'd be a sissy boy. ♪♫ then raise the double standard high; beneath its folds, we'll live and die. though cowards flinch and traitors sneer, we'll keep our sexual bias clear. ♫♪
  • The real frisson comes from wondering which female monké this really is.. hmmm...
  • Me! *checks pants* Oh...wait....that's not right...
  • Monkeyfilter: the mob of scabby fornicating perverts on this website.
  • J. Doe, once pain becomes muddled with pleasure in the experience of an individual, then problems with sorting these two things out may well persist in later life , as I think you've already figured out. My impression is that you are ambivalent about this. Whether you're male or female makes no difference with regard to this issue. Pain does not have to play a part in adult sexual relationships unless you choose to let it. Being willing to allow it to be part of your life has the potential to place you in dangerous situations/relationships with possibly sadistic individuals. And if you are uneasy about this, or about any other aspect of this, you might consider consulting a trained professional, or looking for counseling. Wish you the best.
  • Hey! We're not particularly scabby!
  • J.D., like bees, I'm sensing some ambivalence. Don't do anything you don't feel like doing -- even if all the kids seem to have abandoned vanilla sex these days. But, that being said, spanking is pretty tame, and you shouldn't be afraid of giving it a test run. If you still feel uncomfortable, you can put the spatula back in the kitchen, and that's the end of that. And no, you're not a pervert. That's quid, with his predilection for oculolinctus.
  • among other things.
  • Oh, certainly. Like frottage in the frozen-food section of the supermarket, and being greased, chained and sealed into small, dark spaces.
  • quid is an eyeball licker?? me too!
  • *blinks*
  • I think J's main concern is about the fact she found spanking an humilliating, negative experience (from what she says), specially coming from the father figure, and is confused over now finding this pleasurable. Father-daughter bonding shapes much of a woman's future sexuality (or so I've been told by people that know about this, or at least charge like they did), so perhaps it's not so much a fear of her partners' response as a inner discomfort. Yes, maybe asking for professional advice (if this is really overwhelming and getting all parties frustrated) could be an option.
  • And, quid & Medusa: you sick eyeball lickers.
  • Seriously. Half the women I've slept with liked at least a firm pat on the rear. Not a big deal at all. posted by middleclasstool at 02:07AM UTC on March 10, 2006 I can personally attest that MCT is very proud of his spankiferous paddle collection, which he displays proudly in a glass case in the sitting room of Chez Tool. Indeed, so extensive is it, it's threatening to encroach on the buttplug display in the kitchen. As for me, I like me nipples bitten. HARD. Whoo, mama.
  • were you male, you'd be a sissy boy. Hey, now. Ain't nothin wrong with a lil sissy boy bump and grindpaddle and spank!
  • what is the old saying? having a fetish is using a feather during sex, being kinky is using the whole chicken?
  • Oh, and I also have a naked lady fetish.
  • May I just add that spelunking during sex is fine, too.
  • And spackling.
  • How about Spockling?
  • I like sporking.
  • spackling - v. filling in nail holes with a white compound that hardens to a crumbly paste as it dries. Check.
  • I got my nipples bitten to black-n-blue rainbows the other night!
  • We, ah . . don't believe you.
  • No. We don't. We'd need to see some pictures.
  • Come now, boys, are we not men? Must we stoop to begging for pornographic photos? Video would be more appropriate here.
  • sorry, I'm a quick healer :D
  • Dang! *pays MCT the $5*
  • Ok, I've skipped ahead in this post b/c I don't have much time, but I have an anecdote. A friend of mine, no really it was a friend, went to a fetish club, but didn't know what was what. Someone asked to be whipped, but she didn't really know how. She just did it as hard as she could straight away - no intro, no rubbing, just WHAP! Didn't go over so well. So the moral is...communicate what you want done. Then you get to have lots of fun practicing.
  • Medusa: sorry, I'm a quick healer :D Healed up is OK too, you should be inspected for permanent damage.
  • I got my nipples bitten to black-n-blue rainbows the other night! Christ, I'm terrified to let my husband near my nipples. He gets a bit too excited and sometimes draws blood. I'm a damn good sport about it, but, jeebus, does that hurt! It's kind of funny to see a coworker's reaction on a Monday morning when they see me sporting a few difficult-to-hide bruises or bite marks. Am I a sexual deviant 'cause I like it a bit on the violent side? Spanking? Meh.
  • Yessssss! Anyone? Anyone? Beuller?
  • Er...what are you wearing to work that doesn't cover yer bruised nipples?
  • good question undie!!! I too like being bitten but the bruising can be a bit problematic... personally I find the whole 'sexual deviant' question besides the point though. that term is an externally-dictated social construct, we are what we are, if we like it and it works for us its good. I dont think its necessary to define oneself by ones actions/predilections [sic?] etc., /end soapbox rant
  • I get bruises everywhere; neck, shoulders, upper chest, arms............ Sometimes I don't realize that I am bruised, say on the back of my neck, until someone points it out. I work in a cool enough place, I just let them know that my husband worked me over.;>
  • Wow, you guys are hard core. The worst thing I ever had to live down was a hickey.
  • My god, spanking is so mainstream now. They even have spanking events in bloody Bethnal Green Working Men's Club. I know this because my flatmate does the spanking for them. She once spanked a person for six hours, virtually nonstop. I DJ'd for about an hour at this spanking (I can recommend Fairytale of New York as an excellent spanking tune - the bit where the fiddle comes in makes for some great paddling). In the end, I had to give up - I lacked the stamina, and retired to my bed to be lulled to sleep by the soothing, metronomic smacking noises from down the hallway, punctuated with occasional quiet yelps of joy.
  • I tend to bruise really easily, so I know the feeling. While I find it fun to have random bruise-y teeth- or handprints on me as the result of fun times, it makes people feel that they've been too rough on me and they can get too cautious unless I really reassure them. And now I've overshared :)
  • personally I find the whole 'sexual deviant' question besides the point though. that term is an externally-dictated social construct, we are what we are, if we like it and it works for us its good. I dont think its necessary to define oneself by ones actions/predilections [sic?] etc. The thing is, I think a lot of people get their kink from certain acts solely because they know society views the act as devient. Lot's of people want to feel dirty, and you can't get that from acts that aren't defined externally. Many people get their kinks internally, I'm not denying that. But many others get their kinks externally.
  • ... I get no kink from sham pain ...
  • I don't think it's altogether a matter of externally-dictated social constructs, either. Most of us, I expect, find some sexual interest in behaviour which we nevertheless consider, not sinful or wicked, just ludicrous, undignified, timewasting, a bit sad, or unattractive. I can well imagine that some women might find mild violence and submission sexually exciting while abhorring what it appears to say about their, or women's, relationship with men. I think I might find that an off-putting factor myself, to be honest. Telling these people not to feel bad about doing X may not be much more helpful than telling them not to find X sexy in the first place.
  • Monkeyfilter: I get no kink from sham pain So, we're all pro-pain, then?
  • Not!
  • ... I get no kink from sham pain ... Mere "ouch" and "howl" doesn't thrill me at all...
  • Jesus, you people are a bunch of damn deviants.
  • I belive the term is "You sick fucks". You sick fucks.
  • ... Cause I get a kick out of yooooou!
  • well those points re: deviant acts as mental turnon are well spoken, and I agree. I have always been glad I was raised Catholic for the psychological frission I can enjoy whilst 'sinning'. I think there is a difference between a rational rejection of externally dictated mores or judgements and the deeply aculturated psychological dynamics that come into play re human sexuality. it is these contrasts that can make it so complicatedly interesting: viz the educated, feminist woman who enjoys sex play that could/would/should?? be deemed degrading/dehumanizing/oppressive etc., were it not within the confines of a loving, consensual interaction. the pain thing is complicated too. I was also spanked as a child, but I completely cannot STAND to be spanked now, get quite irate if someone-even playfully-slaps me bum, and in fact, would much rather be on the driving end of the whip or paddle myself (shocking, I know) its freaky, and can be/seem very disturbing to get into these interactions--why would anyone want to give or receive pain? but I do know people for whom bdsm play is a way of working through abuse trauma in a safe, because controlled and consensual, way. I think this is better than the perpetuation of abuse cycle that can happen so often. ak! sorry I am ranting and rambling, I'm a bit scattered right now...
  • oh jesus, I didnt even get beeswacky's joke until right now... sham pain, that's a good one )))
  • Cole Porter lyrics in a sexual context are the most delightfully deviant vice of all.
  • Regardless of the genesis, the the exodus had me at hello.
  • Cause I get a kick out of yooooou I woulda gone for something along the lines of "can't get my prick out of you", but that's just me.
  • Should have used Crisco.
  • Although lard is better.
  • Is there a NON-sexual context for Cole Perter lyrics? ;-)
  • J. Doe: Sooo... did you tell him? followup please
  • She did, and now she can't sit down to type.
  • ... how about: *RISING PIANO ARPEGGIOS* My story is much to sad to be told But kinky sex leaves me totally cold Not that I'm frigid - it's just plain dumb luck - When you're set on seducing me, Trying vainly to get kinky, Then I suddenly say to thee: ... I just want to fuck. I get no kink from sham pain Handcuffs and whips don't make me wet my lips And bruising leaves me black and blue Yet I can't get my prick out of you. Some, they may swear by whipped cream, Licked from the crotch: well, that's delightful to watch But not a meal I'm partial to: I just can't get my prick out of you. I get a kink every time I see you Standing naked there before me I get a kink and it’s clear to see Endless fucking will never bore me. I get no kink from high heels Despite what some say, there's simply no way I'll bother fetishizing a shoe Yet I can't get my prick - Don't tell me it's sick! I just wanna stick! That ol' throbbing dick! Inside you real quick! Yeah, I can't get my prick out of you-o-o!
  • *stumbles onto stage, scotch in hand* Hey, how'd all these people get in my room? *laughter, applause*
  • Well, did you ever?
  • Curious George: Am I a sexual deviant? Is filmed before a live audience. *theme music, credits*
  • Oh, Quid. Oh, Quid. That's one of the best tihngs I've ever read. Every woman who buggers your corpse is going to fall in love.
  • I'm wondering if the collective weight of Monkey perversion has scared the bejeebus out of the poor girl. Oh, and canola oil please, it's better for you! Or extra-virgin olive oil, if you're one of those damn personal lubricant snobs...
  • One o' your best, quidders! Have some )))!!!
  • !!!!!!!!!!!! That was so. goddamned. funny.
  • ))) Quid!
  • Indeed! All I could come up with was "I get off ki-icking you", but this is much better. Limited imagination. Hangover.
  • Quid, that was brilliant! I think this calls for a celebratory round of corpse-buggery!
  • I'm not dead yet!
  • quiet you!
  • i think i'll go for a walk...
  • change one letter and I'm with ya!
  • Thanks to everyone for chiming in. I haven't brought it up with him yet but feel more comfortable doing so. And I certainly won't tell him both things in the same breath. Just to clarify, my concern was not about the fact that I like to be spanked (I realize that's pretty mainstream) but about the juxtaposition of having been spanked by my dad as a child. And what that may say about me psychologically, which I've pretty much chosen to ignore. : )
  • jdoe, the fact that you are cognizant of these 'conflicts' and are seeking feedback/dialogue/understanding shows, IMHO, that you are just fine psychologically. enjoy the spankings ;)
  • Indeed. I wouldn't worry about any Daddy issues on this one. There's no need to start fretting about Electra complexes. Now gee'yup!
  • change one letter and I'm with ya! kitfisto wants to be spunked.
  • /reads kinkified Cole Porter lyric /glances from side to side /gets in line for sodomizing quid's remains
  • If I start to get turned on by sitting in the dark for days, chainsmoking Pall Malls, and obsessively reading Robert Ludlum, I'll start to worry about my Daddy issues.
  • Robert Ludlum! ha ha ha ha!
  • kitfisto wants to have a talk with with monknoiz.
  • Yyyyyup.