March 09, 2006

Your Latest Nightmare Meet your new drunk surgeon.
posted by es el Queso 18 years ago
  • "Do you know that I am a (expletive) doctor, and I'm going to do what I want," gomichild wonders what the "expletive" was
  • "competent"
  • So, you've come here for sex-reassignment surgery. Here's your anesthesia..... (mrph ack... mfffle)
  • Yikes. Me thinks some poor guy is having serious problems.
  • >>But Doctor, his chart says he's here for an appendectomy! Nonsense! I'm the surgeon here, and I know what I'm doing!
  • "Doctor, it hurts when I do this" "*Uuurp!* Shaddap! *glug* *glug* *glug*" *plays golf drunkenly*
  • I can fix this, I think I can, uh, I can make another incision, [drawing on the scar] I can put, I can put a circle here and a mark there and one there and make it look like a, a man dancing, sort of a, a happy man dancing. [poses like a dancing swastika man] Oh, and:
  • Hi Dr. Nick!
  • Seriously baby, when I'm a doctor, I can prescribe aaaanything I want!
  • I'm pretty sure the expletive was "dolphin-fucking".
  • Meet your new drunk surgeon. Finally! The old one was getting a bit gamey.
  • Time for a suggestion-obviously this is for elective surgery when you have the luxury of scheduling in your own hands: Make sure you are the FIRST patient/procedure of the day in that operating room and by the staff who will be attending to you. It will be your best chance for truly sterile personnel and equipment. It will be your best chance for sober/clearheaded surgeons, anesthesiologists, assistants, aides and nurses. People sometimes think that a minor surgery is nothing to be concerned about. WRONG. The risks of infection and staff carelessness, inattention and fatigue can cost one dearly. You can't cover all the bases. But you can try. And don't accept the, "we have no control over scheduling" bit. They do.
  • It will be your best chance for sober/clearheaded surgeons, anesthesiologists, assistants, aides and nurses. Will it not also be your best chance for hungover and/or not-yet-quite-awake varieties of same?
  • True Lara-But the odds are still the best you will have all day :)
  • Plus, it's easier on you if you have to fast, to have the surgery first thing in the morning.
  • Hey! It's medicinal!
  • In three recent cases here in Boston, surgeons left patients in the middle of surgery to perform surgery at another hospital, to give a lecture, to cash a check at the bank.
  • Damn. I was starting to get into the "cash a check at the bank" link, and then the writer used Second Person. Off with his head!
  • Top Ten Signs Your Doctor Is Drunk 10. Sterilizes his instruments with Cuervo 9. Before him is a tray of gauze, swabs, and green olives 8. Giggles every time he asks for suction 7. Climbs in the MRI machine with you 6. As you go under, you hear the words "amputate" and "head" 5. Left a pack of Camels in your chest cavity 4. While listening to the heart monitor says, "Shhh. I love this song" 3. Checks your reflexes by hurling a beer nut at your face 2. Brags that he was Slobodan Milosevic's guy 1. After checking you for a hernia, says, "Now you do me" via