February 22, 2006

Zen Koans These koans, or parables, were translated into English from a book written late in the thirteenth century by the Japanese Zen teacher Muju (the "non-dweller"), and from anecdotes of Zen monks. Good stuff, unless you know everything already.

Here's a good one: If You Love, Love Openly Twenty monks and one nun, who was named Eshun, were practicing meditation with a certain Zen master. Eshun was very pretty even though her head was shaved and her dress plain. Several monks secretly fell in love with her. One of them wrote her a love letter, insisting upon a private meeting. Eshun did not reply. The following day the master gave a lecture to the group, and when it was over, Eshun arose. Addressing the one who had written to her, she said: "If you really love me so much, come and embrace me now."

posted by petebest 18 years ago
  • Thinking he'd learned enough, Ts'ui-yen left T'zu-ming's monastery. Years later, after traveling around the world, he returned and his old master asked, "Tell me the summary of Buddhism." "If a cloud does not hang over the mountain, the moonlight will penetrate the waves of the lake," Ts'ui-yen answered. "You are getting old, "T'zu-ming replied angrily, "your hair is white, your teeth are sparse, yet you still have such an idea of Zen!" Tears streaming down his face, Ts'ui-yen pleaded, "Please tell me the summary of Buddhism." "If a cloud does not hang over the mountain," the master said, "moonlight will penetrate the waves of the lake." Before his finished speaking, Ts'ui-yen was enlightened. not from this page (that i can find), but I always liked it.
  • Nice one. Kind of one-hand-clapping but with drama.
  • Good stuff, unless you know everything already. To know everything, one must know nothing.
  • )))))!!
  • This one has always been my favourite: Tanzan and Ekido were once traveling together down a muddy road. A heavy rain was still falling. Coming around a bend, they met a lovely girl in a silk kimono and sash, unable to cross the intersection. "Come on, girl" said Tanzan at once. Lifting her in his arms, he carried her over the mud. Ekido did not speak again until that night when they reached a lodging temple. Then he no longer could restrain himself. "We monks don't go near females," he told Tanzan, "especially not young and lovely ones. It is dangerous. Why did you do that?" "I left the girl there," said Tanzan. "Are you still carrying her?"
  • sweet!
  • This post is like the reflection of the moon at midnight on a mountain valley lake, only there's no moon, no mountain, and no lake.
  • (and no post)
  • if there is no post, what sound does a comment make?
  • Get over your one hand clapping. And justify your moonlight reflections however you like.
  • When there is no real estate and no Japan, then what is at a premium?
  • >"I left the girl there," said Tanzan. "Are you still carrying her?" Less successful as a koan, perhaps, but much funnier if you read it as 'Tarzan'.
  • A personal favorite which may or may not be available at the site in question: >THE MASTER Gutei made a practice of raising his finger whenever he explained a question about Zen. A very young disciple began to imitate him, and every time Gutei raised his finger when he preached, this boy would raise his finger too. Everybody laughed. One day Gutei caught him at it. He took the boy's hand, whipped out a knife, cut off the finger and threw it away. The boy walked off howling. "Stop!" shouted Gutei. The boy stopped, and looked at the master through his tears. Gutei raised his finger. The boy raised his finger. Then suddenly he realized it wasn't there. He hesitated a moment: Then he bowed.
  • My favorite: A rich man came to tour the temple, and when he had seen it he asked Joshu why the monks, who were said to be wise, slept on bare mats and ate only rice. Joshu said, “Where does a wise man need to sleep? What does he need to eat?” But actually it was because Joshu had embezzled quite a lot of money from the temple. (from here)
  • Why is the Buddha like an asswipe stick?
  • Why is the Buddha like an asswipe stick? Because he doesn't take shit off anybody...?
  • Thinking he'd learned enough, drjimmy11 left Monkeyfilter. Years later, after traveling around the internet, he returned and his old master asked, "Tell me the summary of Monkeyfilter." "If Chryen does not post annoying gifs in the first several comments, people will have an interesting conversation about the post," drjimmy11 answered. "You are getting old, "petebest replied angrily, "your hair is white, your teeth are sparse, yet you still have such an idea of Monkeyfilter!" Tears streaming down his face, drjimmy11 pleaded, "Please tell me the summary of Monkeyfilter." "If Chryen does not post annoying gifs in the first several comments," the master said, "people will have an interesting conversation about the post." Before his finished speaking, drjimmy11 was enlightened.
  • Then he bowed. *note to self: never ask questions about Zen. In the presence of a Zen teacher, keep hands inside coat pockets*
  • ...huzzah! vindication!!!!
  • "If you have some ice cream, I will give it to you. If you have no ice cream, I will take it away from you. It is an ice cream koan."
  • A rugby player, a bishop and a vet are on a night out together. They decide to visit a brothel... Oh, wait, that's not right...
  • A koan developed in my mind a few years ago..
  • I've always felt, somewhere deep down, that koans were nothing more than trick questions designed ny smug bastards to make other people feel bad about themselves. I guess I'm not enlightened yet.
  • Me neither. And I don't want to be. So there, mr clever clogs monk.
  • Lisa tries again. Lisa: If a tree falls in the woods and no one's around, does it make a sound? Bart: Absolutely! [makes the sound of a tree falling] Lisa: But Bart, how can sound exist if there's no one there to hear it. Bart: . . . Wooooooo... Lisa: [hands Bart his putter] It is time. -- Bart finally gets it, ``Dead Putting Society''
  • In early times in Japan, bamboo-and-paper lanterns were used with candles inside. A blind man, visiting a friend one night, was offered a lantern to carry home with him. "I do not need a lantern," he said. "Darkness or light is all the same to me." "I know you do not need a lantern to find your way, " his friend replied, "but if you don't have one, someone else may run into you. So you must take it." The blind man started off with the lantern and before he had walked very far someone ran squarely into him. "Look out where you are going!" he shouted to the stranger. "Can't you see this lantern?" "Your candle has burned out brother," replied the stranger.
  • So the blind dude roundhouse kicked the inconsiderate bloke into the middle of next week, shouting "Don't fuck with blind guy, mo'fo!!!"
  • A monk walks up to a hot-dog vendor and says: "Make me one with everything." The vendor says: "Ok that'll be three bucks". The monk hands the vendor a five. The vendor says thanks and and gives the monk his hot-dog. The monk says: "Where's my change?" the vendor looks at him and says: "Change comes from within". It's old but good. Presumably a veggi hot-dog.
  • A stripper and a spot-welder are trapped in a lift... No, wait, that's not right either. Sheesh, these things are harder than they look...
  • In the world of koans: Everyone is a monk. There are a lot of blind people. Anything you say can be used against you.
  • Master Pe'Ting Tzoo and Wun Tun Poodle were sitting at the high-stakes Blackjack table in the Bellagio when Master Tzoo said to his student, 'What is the Zen of Making It Large And Living It Solid?' 'Always Hit On Twenty,' replied Wun Tun Poodle. Master Tzoo shook his head sadly and said, 'Is this all you have learned in your time with me?' Wun Tun Poodle was crestfallen, and said to the Master, 'Please tell me what the Zen of Making It Large And Living It Solid is?' And Master Tzoo said, 'Always Hit On Twenty And Know That You Will Receive An Ace.' Wun Tun Poodle was Enlightened, and 4 minutes later lost everything he owned when he Hit On Twenty And Did Not Receive The Ace. 'Huh,' said Master Tzoo later, on the sidewalk, 'call that being Enlightened? Back in my day, being Enlightened used to at least mean knowing when to ignore stupid advice.'
  • "If a cloud does not hang over the mountain," the master said, "moonlight will penetrate the waves of the lake." Before his finished speaking, Ts'ui-yen was enlightened. I used to work for a manager like that. You'd say something intelligent or insightful, and he'd repeat it back at you in a tone that implied you had no idea at all how intelligent or insightful what you had just said truly was. In two years I never heard him utter an original thought that wasn't borderline moronic, but it seemed he'd managed to build a well-paid career purely on this technique of implying that everyone around him were just babbling fools and things only became worth being uttered when he repeated them. Perhaps he was the most enlightened man I've ever met, but I still wanted to stab him in the eye with a number 2 pencil.
  • note to self: either stop using the "repeat smart comments back to originator" trick or protect eyes when doing so. i had a nice comic book of koans, but a cursory browse round my bookshelves has failed to turn it up. blue cover, with some cover text in red. inside was simple b&w line drawings with maybe 10/12 panels per page and one or two pages per koan. my view of koans is that they either resonate or they fail. some of them are worthwhile; others are like reflecting on the sayings of popeye the sailorman.
  • it is not clear it is clear it is not clear it is clear it is not clear it is clear my monitor screen
  • Fools imitate wise men since time immemorial. I guess that's why lots of wise men were considered fools at some point.
  • Sounds like maybe you need some new wipers, bees.
  • Daibai asked Baso: `What is Buddha?' Baso said: `This mind is Buddha.' Mumon's Comment: If anyone wholly understands this, he is wearing Buddha's clothing, he is eating Buddha's food, he is speaking Buddha's words, he is behaving as Buddha, he is Buddha. This anecdote, however, has given many pupil the sickness of formality. If one truly understands, he will wash out his mouth for three days after saying the word Buddha, and he will close his ears and flee after hearing `This mind is Buddha.' Under blue sky, in bright sunlight, One need not search around. Asking what Buddha is Is like hiding loot in one's pocket and declaring oneself innocent.
  • Hate isn't over come by hate; hate's overcome by love. This is eternal law. -- The Buddha
  • Excellent.
  • Bees is beeing wise. Bees is beeing foolish. Both are these statements are truth.
  • Wise, foolish ... same coin, different faces.
  • "Now back in my day, the nickels had pictures of bees on 'em! 'Gimme five bees for a quarter!' you'd say . . " /Grandpa Simpson
  • Joshu asked Nansen: `What is the path?' Nansen said: `Everyday life is the path.' Joshu asked: `Can it be studied?' Nansen said: `If you try to study, you will be far away from it.' Joshu asked: `If I do not study, how can I know it is the path?' Nansen said: `The path does not belong to the perception world, neither does it belong to the nonperception world. Cognition is a delusion and noncognition is senseless. If you want to reach the true path beyond doubt, place yourself in the same freedom as sky. You name it neither good nor not-good.' At these words Joshu was enlightened.
  • From birthing's washbowl to the washbowl of the dead -- blathering nonsense! --Issa, translated Sam Hamill
  • Hyakujo's Fox ------------------------------------------------ Once when Hyakujo delivered some Zen lectures an old man attended them, unseen by the monks. At the end of each talk when the monks left so did he. But one day he remained after the had gone, and Hyakujo asked him: `Who are you?' The old man replied: `I am not a human being, but I was a human being when the Kashapa Buddha preached in this world. I was a Zen master and lived on this mountain. At that time one of my students asked me whether the enlightened man is subject to the law of causation. I answered him: "The enlightened man is not subject to the law of causation." For this answer evidencing a clinging to absoluteness I became a fox for five hundred rebirths, and I am still a fox. Will you save me from this condition with your Zen words and let me get out of a fox's body? Now may I ask you: Is the enlightened man subject to the law of causation?' Hyakujo said: `The enlightened man is one with the law of causation.' At the words of Hyakujo the old man was enlightened. `I am emancipated,' he said, paying homage with a deep bow. `I am no more a fox, but I have to leave my body in my dwelling place behind this mountain. Please perform my funeral as a monk.' The he disappeared. The next day Hyakujo gave an order through the chief monk to prepare to attend the funeral of a monk. `No one was sick in the infirmary,' wondered the monks. `What does our teacher mean?' After dinner Hyakujo led the monks out and around the mountain. In a cave, with his staff he poked out the corpse of an old fox and then performed the ceremony of cremation. That evening Hyakujo gave a talk to the monks and told this story about the law of causation. Obaku, upon hearing this story, asked Hyakujo: `I understand that a long time ago because a certain person gave a wrong Zen answer he became a fox for five hundred rebirths. Now I was to ask: If some modern master is asked many questions, and he always gives the right answer, what will become of him?' Hyakujo said: `You come here near me and I will tell you.' Obaku went near Hyakujo and slapped the teacher's face with this hand, for he knew this was the answer his teacher intended to give him. Hyakujo clapped his hands and laughed at the discernment. `I thought a Persian had a red beard,' he said, `and now I know a Persian who has a red beard.' -------------------------------------------- Mumon's comment: `The enlightened man is not subject.' How can this answer make the monk a fox? `The enlightened man is at one with the law of causation.' How can this answer make the fox emancipated? To understand clearly one has to have just one eye. Controlled or not controlled? The same dice shows two faces. Not controlled or controlled, Both are a grievous error.
  • Two monks were arguing about a flag. One said: `The flag is moving.' The other said: `The wind is moving.' The sixth patriach happened to be passing by. He told them: `Not the wind, not the flag; mind is moving.'
  • It is the mind itself which is bewildering the mind! -- traditional Zen saying
  • One Note of Zen After Kakua visited the emperor he disappeared and no one knew what became of him. He was the first Japanese to study Zen in China, but since he showed nothing of it, save one note, he is not remembered for having brought Zen into his country. Kakua visited China and accepted the true teaching. He did not travel while he was there. Meditating constantly, he lived on a remote part of a mountain. Whenever people found him and asked him to preach he would say a few words and then move to another part of the mountain where he could be found less easily. The emperor heard about Kakua when he returned to Japan and asked him to preach Zen for his edification and that of his subjects. Kakua stood before the emperor in silence. He then produced a flute from the folds of his robe, and blew one short note. Bowing politely, he disappeared. Which always reminds me of this quote by Joel McCrea: "People say I'm a one-note actor, but the way I figure it, those other guys are just looking for that one right note."
  • A monk said that there was someone who asked Master Hsiang-yen, "What is Tao?" Master Hsiang-yen answered, "In the dry woods a dragon is singing." The monk said that he did not understand. Hsiang-yen then said, "The eye is in the skull."
  • The student visited the master and asked for satori. The master held up one finger. The student didn't understand and returned to his lazy ways, avoiding his studies. He returned to the master again asking for the secrets. The master once again did nothing to respond except lifting the same finger skyward. The student was still confused and returned to his procrastination trying to find an easy route to enlightenment. When finally it came time for the master to test the student, the student came before the master. The master then asked the student, "What is the secret of enlightenment?" The student in a bold move raised his index finger. No sooner than he had done this, the master took a knife and cut the raised finger from the student's hand. The student said, "Ow! Why'd you do that?" And then he kicked the master in the stones.
  • Non-Zentient life forms can be observed in the thread.
  • Tao you've done it.
  • Actually, I think that was a koan. I gleened from part a dialog at the end of this site, but I've heard it as a koan on its own elsewhere. No reason we can't branch out though. /fetches Tao of Poo
  • Nansen said: `The path does not belong to the perception world, neither does it belong to the nonperception world. Cognition is a delusion and noncognition is senseless. When confronted by a Zen teacher, rummage through all their stuff. This really messes up their mind. Because they're thinking about perception and non-perception and figuring it all out, meantime you're there rummaging and they're really wanting to tell you "Hey! Stop rummaging through my stuff!" but they can't because they're stuck on the delusion and non-cognition thing.
  • Zen has no form or abstraction, bees: ;). Down with semiological sentimentalism!!1[s[pkffmol!s;!!
  • Ach, that's nothing!
  • *shakuhachi flute*
  • Ever wonder if satori makes a "boing" sound?
  • lol pete!
  • Robert Pirsig Interview (Robert Pirsig is the author of "Zen and The Art of Motorcycle Maintenance") TA: How does it compare with experiences you have had from meditation? RP: The thing about Zen is that if you try for enlightenment you can never achieve it. You have to give up everything. This guy had quit, all his ideas, all his hopes, all gone. There was a Christian hymn which I had never heard before to my knowledge: 'You got to cross a lonesome valley, you got to cross it by yourself.' That was going through my head. All this could be insane talk, and would be so judged by psychiatric people. But over the years I have maintained these two points of view. (hoarked from the sound of one snark posting)
  • We go unwinding the woof from the web of meaning.... --Hui Yung, trans J.P.S.
  • Wow I didn't know there was a connection between Venus and Buddha's enlightenment. Um, which may have to do with the fact that I know practically nothing at all about Buddhist teachings. But maybe I will by . . next . . December 8.
  • I think that version is particular to the East Asian Mahayana tradiditions, but I could be wrong. I don't think there's any mention of Venus in the Theravada version.
  • Wavy Gravy once asked a Zen Roshi, "What happens after death?" The Roshi replied, "I don't know." Wavy protested, "But you're a Zen Master!" "Yes," the Roshi admitted, "but I'm not a dead Zen Master."
  • This is from that Robert Pirsig interview linked above which I'm re-reading and finding parts I missed the first time: You know 99 per cent of your life recognises things without definition, a baby recognises its mother's face without having it defined. It's just an arbitrary rule this rule of definition that Socrates set down. Is defining things as a matter of understanding them arbitrary? Or did I misunderstand his comment?