February 09, 2006

• "... I am a freshman at a small midwestern college. While considered good looking, I had hit a bit of a 'dry spell,' and had resigned myself to spending an evening in my dorm room reading your magazine. But then something happened to me that changed my life..."
• "Dear Penthouse, You'll never believe what happened to me! I was just dumped by my girlfriend Angelina, and my friend "kitfisto" came over to watch some football and have a few beers. It was a boring game, so he suggested that we pop in some porn instead. [...] "Kit" and I are happier than we've ever been, me, him, and the pony. Whoever said that England was swinging in the 60's hasn't gotten a hold of that tape we made! "Quidnunc", London, UK
• Footsies. Ah, footsies.
• That's what got my attention, too. Footsie is definitely underrated.
• Aye, footsie is a diverting pastine. Especially if your great and second toes are nimble enough to pinch with.
• This one time, at band camp, . . .
• ...kittenhead got her feet wet in a river and had to take out her cotton socks. Then... come on, follow the plotline! : )
• . . . I realized with a start that instead of cotton socks, I'd brought fishnet stockings! As I glanced across the river, my eyes met. . .
• Kitfisto's. He blushed to be caught kissing a chicken--NOT on the lips! Flagpole stood behind him...
• Aw, c'mon. He was just trying to give it CPR! He can't help it if he got hold of the wrong end of the chick.
• "Comb, comb, my dear, you must be feeling peckish," said Flagpole cockily. "We'll sit together in my brokedown coop, eh, chick, and get mct to pullet."
• I think I will regret starting this thread derailment for a long, long time...
• No, I really was trying CPR, kitfisto blustered. MMM...men who love animals are REAL dreamy...sighed Chy...
• I hope your satisfied, Flagpole!* *I'm just afraid to think about what does it for you.
• ...just then, the chicken woke up, and in a fit of jealous rage, pecked at kitfisto's eyes. Fortunately, he was wearing designer sunglasses at the time. Then ensued the best threesome any of them had ever enjoyed...
• ...they all agreed it was the Cheetos and Red Bull that made the difference...
• I lay under a tree, shivering in the fetal position, covered in chicken feed and shame, while petebest...
• ...remembered about kittenhead. Looking in her direction across the river, he was shocked when it was obvious she was... Oh. I *never* thought my first threesome would be like... that... *sobs*
• ...coated in egg wash, flour, and eleven herbs and spices. I began to...
• ... get out the wok oil. Someone was going to enjoy a delicious meal today. I started across the river when...
• ...I noticed a building with a red light in the window. I peeked in and saw Pete_best in a compromising position with several bondage monkeys under video lights. It looked like a Winter Olympics sportscast to me. I gagged at the sight, pulled on my rubber gloves, and screamed for Capt. Renault to...
• . . . "Grab the camcorder, quick!" As Capt. Renault sprinted towards his car for the camcorder, a large white van comes screaming out of nowhere, aiming straight for him. As he dodges out of the way, he is shocked to see that behind the wheel is. . .
• ...what seems to be a keg of Mr. Knickerbocker beer, but closer scrutiny reveals this is balanced on kitfisto's head. On the dashboard, the chicken is pecking...
• ...wildly at a WWII-era missile guidance system...
• ...when the chicken's lips finally connected with the big red button on the dash, there was a giant sucking sound, and the bay doors covering the tomb of TutTut began to open, revealing...
• ... a Starbucks. But not just any Starbucks ...
• . . . it was Jack Abramoff's private Starbucks built for the holding tank of his jail cell, which was formerly inhabited by a scantily clad . . .
• ...Werner Herzog, who had escaped by tying hin vast manhood to...
• ..the ligaments of his lower lip and then exhaling. The Werzog rocketed through the ceilings of forty floors, and the planet began shaking like a plate of jello, so that in China...
• ...the Wall would collapse, finally allowing the Mongolian hordes to ride their way into downtown Beijing, to loot and plunder all the Olympic-Games-bound concrete their sturdy horses could carry, only to stop dead in their tracks upon seeing...
• . . . languorous females moaning in ecstasy as they . . .
• ..frollicked in the fabled Great Pool of Chocomel. Unable to contain their animal passions, the Mongolian hordes dismounted and ran towards them, pausing only to...
• shake their heads in confusion at the presence of both petebest and pete_best in an unimaginable menage à un. They proceeded to drag their giant roll of cling film into the pool, at which point...
• ...Russian mid-control lasers pierced their brains, forcing them to...
• . . . Sing several verses of "Hey Jude" before . . .
• ...SPLINKing across the road toward a...
• ...dump...
• ...where...
• ...a...
• ...huge...
• ...dildo...
• ...began...
• ...t...
• . . . o . . .
• ...
• k
• ...eel over on top of...
• ...thirty-four ravenous polar bears in a unlikely duel with the remnants of a once mighty penguin empire. The penguin clan had fallen to only five members from its once impresive twelve gajillion. The poor saps who remained were named Scotty, Bilbo, Calliope, Ike and Tina. Ike was the leader of the rag-tag team, mostly due to his abusive and drunken behavior; but against the polar brothers Ike was truly in his element. With just a single switchblade between them the pingu wanna-be's took the ursines to the mat, pinning them in a display the mongolian horde found oddly titilating. But mostly, the scene shook the very core of their being, ghjkqwe....
• (ghijkqwe?)
• ghijkqwe!!! rang in the tissues of the Chinese air. It was the Secret Summons to Great Mothra, floating over the pagodas, and two tiny fairy-like figures began singing in Japanese....
• . . . "We like eggs / Happy happy eggs / you can eat them for dinner / Happy happy eggs". This caused the polar bears and the Mongolian hordes to begin getting jiggy, while . . .
• ...the French...
• ...busy talking amogst themselves, agreed to leave their Shanghai Concession, in fear of Great Mothra's arrival. Mothra's olfactory senses are especially keen, and the French, relying on their own ethnic stereotypes, weren't about to take any chances. Meanwhile, back at the aerodrome...
• ...lost of people had sex with each other. Really good sex. Anyway...
• . . . as they were zipping up and avoiding the wet spot, a single piper cub airplane appeared on the horizon . . .
• ...and was immediately spotted by Mothra, who, mistaking it for a female giant mutant moth, proceeded to copulate with it in a frenzy of aerodynamic...
• ...unfortunately, in front of Mothra, who ate it -- all but the wings...
• ...luckily for Calliope, the shyest of the penguin-born, had hidden on one of the wings, frightened of the Mongolian horde. Then she remembered the meaning of the fair-song. It reminded her of...
• ...the French...
• ...and Tori Spelling...
• . . . (who never could spell, ironically) because they both were "high-maintenance" as they say. Tori had recently sent back a gorgeous . . .
• ...eye-bone steak muffin...
• ...that Fiona Apple, appearing suddenly from within the sex-crazed crowd, eyed hugrily. 'Mmmmhhh, food. I could go for some coffee, too. I wonder where I could get some nice chai latte.' Her grubby hands on the muffin, her pouty, peachy lips milimeters away from its' meaty goodness, she was startled when, with a loud thump,
• ...monkeyshining monkeys..
• . . . fell in through the roof, landing on top of one another with what could only be described as the perfect squeak of a dog toy. At first ten or fifteen monkeys fell with the chaos of a runaway calliope, but they slowly trickled in with the steady diminishing squeaky staccato of microwave popcorn. Sensing these may in fact be horny monkeys, the . . .
• French...(not the damn French, AGAIN!)
• ...ripped off their clothing and threw themselves into...
• . . . a frenzy of gallic eroticism, each picking up one of the squeaking monkeys and dancing a naughty polka with them before hollering out . . .
• ..."Tori Spelling!"
• ..."Tori! Tori! Tori!"...
• ...until she appeared, limpid and lugubrious, smelling of lilacs and lilies and lettuce, hovering over the crowd in her diaphonous toilet-paper gown...
• ......smeared with peanut butter and attracting all manner of amorous elephants from the next town over...
• . . . Who stomped in, trumpeting admidst the bouncing, squeaking monkeys from the roof. As everyone frolicked in various stages of erotic ecstasy, ambulent cacophany, and mild hunger, a gentle snowfall began to drift through the multiple-monkey sized hole in the roof. A bell rang. The bartender said, " . . .
• ..."Who'll "Whaddaya have?"...
• And the thunderous sound of several dozen wet, hot, horny and hungry beings form several species was heard like one single voice: "COCKPUNCH!!!"
• Fin
• Fish
• Faghh!
• *Applauds wildly*