February 04, 2006

• Sitting on the porch minding your own business is the #1 cause of knife wounds. This is good information. Who knew ER patients could teach us so much?
• hee hee. Just found this one on page 19: If you are a dirtball who is abusing the system for freebies and you've decided to go with the "I'm gonna kill myself 'n I wanna dinner tray" ruse you will look like a total moron when you try to elope after dinner and wind up in 4 points with a butt full of Haldol screaming that you didn't mean you wanted to be put on a legal hold, you just wanted dinner. The funniest thing about this goof ball was that one of the more experienced psych malingerers was laughing his ass off at him saying "If you tolds 'em you gonna kill youself you gots to stay. If all you wants is dinner you shoulda said you gots chest pains." Then the old guy looks at me and says, "Doc, he jes don know whats what. That's all." I almost peed myself.
• The fact that Whitney Houston is not sleeping with you, methinks, is an unlikely etiology for your acute abdominal pain and diarrhea despite your very persuasive argument.
• The best place to smoke a joint is on a 20 ft ladder. The view's great and nothing beats the clean air up there. Of course try to keep your balance. You may fall and fracture your femur. If you think somebody who climbs ladders to get high would have health insurance you'd be wrong.
• Once when I was in the ER vomiting blood, the doctor came in and said, "Would you please get control of yourself? We have little kids here, and the noise you're making is scaring them."
• Vomiting blood scares me, too.
• I spent way too much time reading this. I enjoyed this one: I don't know what y'all did or who that baby is, but my lil' girl warn't pregnant when she come in here I read these stories and one on hand, it helps to explain why I got such bad treatment the one time I ended up in the ER - it must be hard not to get burned out. On the other hand, I'm still pissed that they gave me naproxen for a herniated disc so painful I couldn't stand.
• *twirls the end of his white powder moustache* O wot is wrong with me? I seem to have spent a long time reading aboiut these bizarre ... uh .. lessons.
• On the one hand, it's good that the folks that don't really need to reproduce take care of that issue by themselves. On the other hand, not enough of their parents did it, as evidenced by their brilliant attempts at self-sterilization and occasional Darwinization.
• Darwinized to Darwin-iced and in the morgue ... And there but for the grease o' the gods ...
• nearly slipped up on that one, eh Bees?
• Almost don't count, lass.
• My friend Mark did his ER rotation in Las Vegas. Despite the admonishment that what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, this one was too good, and it got shared. Despondent guy #1 (D1) decides to kill himself. Discusses methodology with alcoholic friend (F). D1 thinks that pills will be the way to go. AF advises that if one fails, they will pump the stomach--thus causing pain, loss of valuable resources in obtaining the pills, and failure to administer the final curtain call. D1 then thinks that exhaust fumes will cause a nice hazy fade out. AF reminds D1 that it is hot in the desert, in a garage, with the motor running, and that a desire to evade the heat will trump desire to extinguish (what, no A/C in the car?). The solution? Oh, you would have probably come to the same plan...CHAINSAW!!!! With enough bottled courage aforehand. Guess what. It is very difficult to manuever a chainsaw to cut one's own throat, and the ripsaw blades evidently are quite painful. Good thing that D1's buddy, AF also helped drink the pre-ritual cocktails, so that he was clearheaded enough to administer a tourniquet to the neck of D1. Mark said that of course the first duty of the ER physiscian/surgeon is to stabilize the patient, but afterwards, one is permitted to laugh one's ass off at the stupidity of idiot.
• Slipped on precious bodily fluids? Whoops. Wrong thread. Well, sort of.
• I would SO love to add to this list, but it's probably not wise to post anything from the computer here at work (hospital) :o
• I...read them...all. Until 6 am! Completely fascinating.
• Well worth the read thru to 38. I was up till 3AM when this was posted on the other site.
• hee hee hee ohgod: If you are a lieutenant colonel and you're going to shove your pager (his military issued pager complete with the clip holder thing) up your ass, and need to go to a hospital to have it removed, a few pointers: a. Don't go to a military hospital b. If you are going to go to a military hospital, remember not to go to the one on the base you work at. c. The respiratory therapist (me) shouldn't be asking you for the pager number, not even "because we have to have the number for the report." d. Don't be surprised when the ER staff amuses themselves for several hours while waiting on an OR to become available, by paging you repeatedly and watching you jump.
• when the urge is irrestible to shove it up your ass because you find it's twistable almost flick-o'-the-wristable just let the damn urge pass
• an old Irving Berlin lyric that has never before been published, folks.
• and with any luck will never be published again.
• Sounds more like Cole Porter than Irving Berlin.
• Yes, but Cole Porter stole all his old pagers off Irving Berlin.
• Wyzer werds were ne'r spoke, Beez!
• = irresistible! owotthehell
• Good one, beeswacky... Just let the damn urge pass - because that pager won't!
• That's our bees! Do you think we ought to sing this song on street corners for greater public awareness?
• We ought to sing this song on street corners on general principle.
• Maybe I'm just olde-fashioned, but I cannot conceive of a circumstance where I will look at a Maglight and think, "well helooooo there, Mr. Maglight, how about you take a quick trip up my butt?"
• Neither can I, not for a quick trip. However, if that trip is going to be an extended one, then I can totally understand the interest in such an experience.
• I think that song should be sung by puppets on children's TV, personally. You're never too young to learn about the sorts of things you should and shouldn't stick up your butt.
• ...would a strategically placed MagLight make your lower abdomen glow?
• It took me two days to read that whole thread. The rest of the site is not nearly as interesting. Oh, well. We now all know that if you are going to put something up your butt, attach a string, and then do not let go of the string. Also, watch out for Some Dude. And, + 1 tattoo, -1 tooth.
• I think it's just as well that the thread seems to have disappeared...I spent way too long reading through each one the other night, along with other threads in that forum.
• Holy shit. I got three tattoos last April, and had three teeth removed in June. If only I had seen the connection earlier.
• link to forum where thread is top o'the board. Bone, don't worry... it's when you get a tooth pulled and tattoos start mysteriously appearing on your skin that you need to panic.
• Just be sure you don't sit on the porch reading your Bible and minding your own business, because you will get shot.
• I think the tats only magically start appearing when you lose yr teeth in bar fights and crystal meth addiction :)
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• Did they catch on to us reading it or what?