January 11, 2006

• I see this going the way of the Opti-grab.
• Hmmmm Nikki Sixx endorses the Opti-Grab.
• Well, if he winds up cross-eyed he has only himself to blame.
• Well, it won't hurt his musical ability any, so why not?
• What doomed the Opti-grab was that it was not available in woodland camouflage.
• *sschhrchht* Paging Fes to sector 10828, Fes, your dapperness is needed to appraise the world's first necktie that actually performs a useful function. Sector 10828. *zzrchhaaaht*
• I can only imagine the gods this necktie is for are primary located in the "Orcish Mythos" section of the first Dieties and Demigods. Beyond that, this thing is fit only for restraining one's slowly de-chloroforming sodomy victims while one tunes one's banjo. And further, I don't see that this will ever supplant the dual--surgical-hose-mounted batting helmet for beverage management, nor the neon fanny-pack for the ostentatious lugging of velcro-enclosed wallets, tympanic Altoid tins, small shiny items pilfered from the CVS, and recently retrieved navel lint. [upon preview] MCT, neckties are not supposed to be useful, my friend - they are supposed to be *decorative*. Their use - as impromptu tourniquets, gentle non-bruising S&M bindings, pseudo-Bushido headbands, or perhaps belts (note: Fred Astaire only on that last one) - is strictly incidental.
• They. Are. Of. SATAN.
• If by that you mean they are devilishly handsome, then you are RIGHT my sartorially stunted friend!
• I believe that the whistle in this knife is to blow in glee after you have dispatched your foe.
• After all, MCT, what is the useful function of a Picasso? A Spinrad? A Rachmaninoff? A Christos? They exist as testaments to creativity, but mostly? to simply be pleasing to the senses. THAT is where the necktie resides - not knotted around one's neck like a noose, but in the pleasure that you, and those that look upon you, take from its color, its weave, its interplay with the shirt, and suit, and the rakish panache that it invests in you and which, in turn, calls forth the slumbering bon vivant that lives within each of us.
• grover: or, possibly, to summon paramedics after you accidentally sever a nipple during your evening practice of going from "knife is hidden" to "en garde!"
• This is fantastic. I just ordered one.
• Necktie, that is. In black. ooOOooOo
• StoryBored! Look what madness you have wrought!
• Think I have never worn a necktie with rakish panache, but only thiose with gravy stains, spaghetti sauce, melted butter, marmalade etc /aye a sartorial disaster
• Laugh all you want, cretins, but Batman had his utility belt, and obviously Middle Manager Man has his... woodland camouflage... utility... All right, yes, that is pretty damn funny. But you are still cretins. * grabs a beer from his utility underpants *
• Designed for the military professional? It's a violation of Uniform Regs.
• how debonaire we monkeys are as we stroll about in peace or war secure in the knowledge we each possess this new beverage management device
• Load bearing, huh? Suppose it'd make it easier to hang myself here at the office. I've already picked out a support beam. Just a question of when...
• StoryBored! Look what madness you have wrought! lol! Fes, I vote you for presenting the most elegant sartorial defense of the year.
• ok Fes, then it is up to you to explain to the poorly dressed masses here the exponential degree to which any(one/man) can increase their own dorkfactor by even thinking of wearing this tie. HAR!!
• All men's neckties should look like this guy's.
• Yes, nice cravat. So much more stylish than the common necktie.
• And so much better to catch soup slops.
• The captain of the sloop slipped catching soup slops and got slapped.
• zzzzz
• That neckcloth is quite poofitational! For men, our business wear is often a rather plain template: the suit. White dress shirt is the standard. But it is the tie where a man may exercise the most creativity, and express his own personal taste. Some men prefer the uniformity of a solid colored tie; others prefer the more historically significant regimental stripe; for others of a more cerebral bent, the paisley. But once one learns the options available, a whole new world of appearance can be had! I have on a grey suit of conservative cut (the American style "sack suit" as historically exemplified by the Brooks Brothers: big at shoulder, loose of waist, pleated pant, single vent); however, I have altered this otherwise staid picture with a lime green herringbone shirt and a similarly lime green tie covered with tiny pink butterflies. Bright and colorful, it was the shirt and tie that transformed what would otherwise be the World's Most Common Disguise into something that takes a man of otherwise perfectly average attractiveness into a someone who draws compliments from his colleagues, admiring looks from the lovely Goth coquettes in the smoking area, and in one notable instance the actual grasping and up-close inspection and approval of the tie from a buxom, sweetly-smelling waitress. A uniform, you say? What, more so than the jeans and t-shirt you have on, or the Gap khakis, blue polo and goatee of the IT professional? Not even close. A great tie, like a great suit, can transform a man. Each of us has a favorite pair of jeans - the ones that fit perfectly, in which we feel we look good in. When we feel like we look good, it instills confidence. And confidence, fellows, is the most attractive quality a man can have - and the lack thereof, the greatest turnoff. Case in point: Trump. The man is a troglodyte; his hair is a caricature of combover; and yet, the man dresses superbly, and exudes confidence, and whom does he marry? I can't remember her name, but I *believe* she was a Victoria's Secret model at one point. Sure, his money attracts women like moths to flame, but let me propose the converse: Woody Allen. Talented! Erudite! God's Own Bankroll! But he dresses like a lizard, carries himself like a punching bag, and thus is relegated to marrying his (ye gads) adopted daughter. Something to think about, gentlemen, the next time you shrug on your blue polo.
• As for neckcloths in general: lead + ash = leash
• Fes, when my grandpa retired, he threw out all of his ties save one. It was reserved for those few special occasions when a tie would be required. And it had a giant rooster on it. I think that, in a nutshell, was what he thought of ties.
• lime green tie covered with tiny pink butterflies OMG FES HAS THE GAY On the other hand, it sounds like a cool tie.
• Okay, this is a fool's question but I always find a tie constricting about the neck (neek), so is this a user error or does it just come with the territory?
• and thus is relegated to marrying his (ye gads) adopted daughter. As a fellow with an adopted daughter, I am wincing really hard at this.
• I really think Fes ought to be signed up by some august journal to provide a column of sartorial counsel. Might that thing the cartoon person is wearing be a stock?
• Or at least a Monkey advice column where stylistically-challenged Monkeymen can ask questions. Very eloquently put, Fes. I usually feel sorry for the guys I work with on one hand, because they're stuck wearing a uniform (suit and tie). But I'm jealous on the other hand because they can just wear a suit, whereas we females have more to think about, more options, more choice, more worry. Who'd notice if a guy owned two grey suits and just wore one every other day? You'd notice if a woman did that.
• The Darwinian Theory of Neckwear A brief history of the modern necktie, with a cool graph illustrating the width of fashionable tie "blades" over 70 years. "It has been said that Edward VII could have his whole evening spoilt if one of his guests wore the wrong tie (usually an american in checks !)."
• Feshion Guru
• ,,,,Edwaerd VII could have his whole evening spoiltif one of his guesats wore the wrong tie... Right up there with the princess and the pea.
• StoryBored: You are probably either drawing the knot too tight, or using too small a knot and/or too skinny a tie - probably a combination of the two. The typical tie-knot that every kid learns for his first jacketed event is the four-in-hand. It's a fine, utilitarian knot, easy to learn and easy to tie, but it tends to make a smaller knot, and that tends to get cranked up tightly against the throat. The effect is exacerbated by ties that are either materially thin, or narrow at the end that goes in back. Try a Windsor variation knot. I tie a half-Windsor nearly exclusively, and it makes for a nice, medium-fat knot (but not super-fat). A plump knot, you don't have to crank up so hard, and then there's less chance of the choking feeling. Another thing you might want to check is your neck size - it might not be the tie at all, but it could be that your shirts aren't fitting correctly. Test by leaving your top shirt button unbuttoned, but otherwise doing everything else the same (you can crank a tie knot up against an unbuttoned top button and, eight times in ten, no one will be able to tell the difference). If the constricted feeling eases, your shirts are too small. If it's a quality shirt, a tailor will be able to move that button a bit and garner you a bit of breathing space. Cheaper shirts, well, you have to consider them disposable - goodwill it and buy another, but not before having your neck measured properly by someone who knows how to do it (easy solution: go to a Men's Wearhouse and have them do it). Might as well get everything else measured while you're at it, and when you do write that shit down. Maybe you like to shop, maybe you don't, but it's always a lot easier when you know what size you wear, and you would be amazed at the percentage of men have no idea what their size is. Plegmund, you are too kind by far. Lara: we females have more to think about, more options, more choice, more worry. I both agree and disagree. Options are good! Choice is good! What I'd consider the worst problem in women's clothing is the utter lack of rational, uniform sizing. Honestly, I don't know how you all put up with it. It forces you to literallly try EVERY ITEM ON. I know my shirt size - I can go into any store in the US, pick out a half-dozen shirts and buy them knowing that, when I get them out of the wrapper and put them on, they're going to fit. MissusFes goes after a friggin blouse, she heads for the dressing room and she's got a 4, she's got a 6, she's got an 8 - in every item that she's considering. It's got to be maddening. But I can see where the sheer volume of options can create a sort of befuddled stasis - what to wear when you've got *everything* and, subsequently, nothing. Missusfes has her closet very well organized - winter on one side, summer clothes on the other (we had her walk-in expanded into a portion of the garage); she culls mercilessly - something gets not worn for two years, it's gone. And every Sunday, she goes in there for a half-hour and puts together 6-8 outfits for the week - five days, plus a couple extras in case of weather, etc. She takes her time, tries out different combos, and builds a weekly wardrobe. That way, she's not under pressure the next morning to find something from scratch (which leads to relying on "old reliables" rather than utizing your wardrobe to the fullest and trying out new combinations). Take a couple hours this weekend and thatch your closet our, reorganize, and put together a few somethings for the week, and see if you don't start having an easier time of it.
• Plegmund: Not a stock, I don't think - an incroyable, maybe? To wit: There were a variety of altrnatives to the cravat available to 18th and 19th century men and boys. The most common was the "stock". A cravat was a generally long piece of cloth that would around the neck and tied in front. Stocks were fastened in back by a hook or knot. The stock in front had what to the modern eye looks something like a pre-tied bowtie. Some stocks looked like a wide cravat swathing the neck almost like a poultice. They were not the most comfortable of neckwear. A boy or man wearing one might force the individual to stand or sit upright in a rather stiff positon. The "solitare" appeared in the mid-18th century and was attached in the back to the wig, wrapped around the neck, and brought to a bow in front over a cravat. The "macaronis" appeared in England during the mid-18th century on dandies affecting an Italian-inspired fashion, coloring their cheeks with rouge and wearing diamond-studed pumps, and cravats with huge bows. Those who adopted massive cravats were called the incroyables, meaning the "incredibles". They wore such large cravats that their chins were hidden.
• Options are good! Choice is good! I must say I do envy women a bit when it comes to professional/business casual dress -- much more leeway than men get. For professional dress in particular: for men, you must wear a tie. For women, a t-shirt (yes, I know, but it is a by-God t-shirt) and slacks, maybe a jacket to go with, and you're good to go. Honestly, there are very few rules for women when it comes to dressing for work. I actually argued this point once with a former employer (retail sales). I said, you know, I could walk in tomorrow with a thousand-dollar tailor-made suit, four-hundred-dollar pair of patent leather shoes, and a tailored dress shirt with french cuffs and hand-engraved cufflinks, open-neck, and even though I'd be the best-dressed person on staff, you'd ask where the tie was. Even though I'd be the best dressed employee in the store. Meanwhile, among the women on staff, that one's wearing cargo pants, this one's wearing a t-shirt, and that one over there...well, I have pajamas made out of the same material. Yet for them, it's considered fashionable and working-woman. He shrugged. Still, to even the score, men tend to get away with more casual dress in social situations than women do. But for me it's not so much a question of dressing more casually as it is having more options. Male fashions are by definition supremely limited -- we can play with the color palette, sure, but beyond that it's jacket, pants, button-up shirt, tie. Let me wear a kilt, for fuck's sake, or anything beyond the usual. Let me have more than a shirt and tie to work with. Give me boots or vests or sashes or something, anything to play with.
• What I'd consider the worst problem in women's clothing is the utter lack of rational, uniform sizing. This makes me CRAZY. It's one of the reasons I HATE shopping for clothes. Another reason is that clothes (especially womens clothes) are so freaking expensive. I'll only buy good quality clothes, and it's hard to find bargains around here. Right now my wardrobe is a complete disgrace. Good thing I work in a factory office, but still, it's no fun putting on the same ugly rags every day. *sob*
• I said, you know, I could walk in tomorrow with a thousand-dollar tailor-made suit, four-hundred-dollar pair of patent leather shoes, and a tailored dress shirt with french cuffs and hand-engraved cufflinks, and a fish, on a string, hanging around my neck.
• MCT, the way is paved for you to resume your kilt-wearing ways!
• I've decided that henceforth I will dress like the little Monopoly man. Top hat, monocle, handlebar moustache, and a sash that indicates my rank in society.
• My thing is, I work in a bank. I can't get away with a t-shirt under a jacket, or cargo pants, or anything like. We have the strictest dress code I've seen anywhere ever. I have to wear business dress. And it's expensive. The guy in the next office can own one gray suit and five shirts, and who'd notice? But they'd damn well notice if I wore one gray suit every day. Or even if I wore the same five suits every week. Or even if I bought a few nice mix and match things. I hate business dress. Especially as I have a geek job and wind up crawling around on floors under computers, stringing cable and blah blah blah. Oh, well.
• Yeah, but you work in a bank, so you get that employee discount on money! what?
• Try a Windsor variation knot. I tie a half-Windsor nearly exclusively, and it makes for a nice, medium-fat knot (but not super-fat). Wow, thanks for the advice, Fes! What a neat website too. Checking the pictures, I see I am indeed using a four-in-hand. Sir, you are a sartorial psychic! I'm going to have to try the half-Windsor. This could singlehandedly change my attitude to suits and ties.
• You're very welcome! but nah, it wasn't psychic, most people tie a four-in-hand; it is, I'd guess, the most popularly used tie knot in America. Odds were that you use it. A note about the half-Windsor: when you start using it for the first time, the blade of your tie is going to end up several inches shorter than what you're used to - the knot sucks up far more of the actual cloth. When you begin, start with the other end (the haft?) *significantly* shorter than you would normally otherwise begin. Aim to get the point of the blade right at your belt buckle. A lot of guys wear their ties too long. If you have to throw it over your shoulder when you pee? Your tie is too long.
• Whoa! Fes, this is great! I didn't catch your last post before I tried it so I did end up with a big knot and a stumpy little blade. But that was easy to fix. The Half-Windsor is terrific. I can slide the knot up and down without choking off the circulation to my noggin. I've been suffering it the other way for thirty years! Thirty years! *falls over in delight*
• Incidentally, isn't there a site similar to Fes's that has something ridiculous like fifty ways to tie your shoes?
• I really should consider using google.
• And StoryBored, for me, and I'm sure many others, a guy in a crisply ironed shirt, and a really nice tie, with a kind of fat knot, just looks so cool, or in control(business vs. socializing.) The message of clothing is subtle. But a guy with a small knot, forced too high, looks like a Morman kid on a mission to convert the heathen.
• Path, yer right, and I plead to being teh dress-up Mormon look-alike on occasion. :-) What's saved my bacon in the past is that professionally i've never had to wear a suit and tie much. Guess that's one reason why it's taken so long to get my tie-tying act together... I've realized this is mostly from upbringing. My folks couldn't give a fig about fashion. And I grew up in a family where you wore what was bought for you on sale at the local dime store. I am probably the anti-Fes. My knowledge of fashion would fill a thimble. I'd like to fix it but it's one of those things (like writing a will) that I know I should do but don't get around to doing.
• What I'd consider the worst problem in women's clothing is the utter lack of rational, uniform sizing. ...clothes (especially womens clothes) are so freaking expensive. And they're crap. Look at a $300.00 dress. (I look, don't buy) The material isn't made for wear, the seams aren't finished, the stitching is uneven. It's not until you get into custom made that you find quality work. Even then, nothing is PRACTICAL. Try going out in bad weather in women's dress clothing. You'll freeze to death.
• I guess the theory is that us ladies change clothes so much they become disposable and it doesn't matter if they last. Ha, ha, aren't dames screwy, with the girdles and the garter belts and the little hats? (grumble, grumble.)
• The trouble started with that whole "suffrage" business, if you ask me.
• MCT: Please note that half the word "suffrage" consists of RAGE! And it's pretty easy to pick out the word suffer. Now come here, stand in front of me, and go ahead and say that again.
• Mmm hmm, mmm hmm... I wonder if I could get a sandwich? *dons crash helmet, jumps into girlproof trench*
• and finds that Medusa has already claimed the--har! "girlproof" trench with her bloodsoaked axe. she quickly immobilized and restrains MCT, then calls GramMa over....oh yeah!
• Oh hurt me. Yes, that's right. Yes, that's the stuff.
• Medusa: You hold him, I'll button the buttons on his frilly dress and tie his bonnet strings. Then we'll drench him in honey and set loose the bee-dogs.
• *begins filming*
• *smacks face with giant powderpuff, prepares for closeup*
• ooh! I loves me a honey-soaked, bee-dog tenderized frilly-dress-wearin' girly man. yeeee haw!
• You all love it. You cannot resist me. I am drippings with goo. Succumb! *coughs up cloud of powder*
• the goo + powder thing is going to get nasty...
• You love it! *cough*
• Ev'ry girl crazy 'bout a sharp-dressed man.
• you really wanna see the kind of nasty I like????
• I had to post a link to this: a lacy necktie made entirely of wood by the master carver Grinling Gibbons. I've seen the real thing and it's sublime. Apparently the Englishman who commissioned it wore it to a dinner party in Paris, with such dash that everyone there was convinced that all Englishmen wore wooden ties. Right, resume your honey-soaked transvestite mud-wrestling, and don't forget the corsetry.
• That is amazing, PA - I found a bigger picture here, incidentally.
• My mother once made a necktie quilt similar to this one.
• The wooden necktie: perfect gift for your lumberjack friends.
• the necktie quilt is way cool!
• Ooh, Plegmund-- great picture! And the necktie quilt is superb. What to give the man who has everything (except ties, because you just stole them and made a quilt out of them).