January 05, 2006

• oxycontin?
• Have you considered seeing a doctor? It's possible you have some kind of anxiety-related disorder that could require treatment.
• Much of it has to do with fear. Realize that all fear comes from anger. Look in your heart to find what you are angy about, confront your anger and overcome your fear. If that doesn't work, I second the oxycontin suggestion.
• I used to get the same way before speaking in public - sweats, shakes, knees knocking, stammering, the works. The only thing that helped was experience. I had an opportunity to teach a few sections of Media Whatnot at the university in graduate school, and the three days a week of 2-3 hours in front of a class burnt all that nervousity out of me. The first two or three times were tough, but now, sometimes I have to speak for work to anywhere from a few dozen to up to a few hundred, no problem. In your case, I guess the best way to get "experience" would be to actively increase the number of dates/employers/whomever you call. And avoid coffee beforehand.
• Always have two drinks (but not more) before calling a girl for the first time. On preview: To expand on Fes's advice - the best way to get that experience is to start conversations with strangers more often. Begin with people who would never be considered dating prospects...they're the easiest to talk to. Once you're more comfortable, start talking to girls you don't find attractive. After a while, you'll be chatting up the hotties with no problems at all.
• to echo what fes said, practice as much as you can. if you have to place a call to a prospective employer, try to map out what you're going to say beforehand. it doesn't have to be verbatim, just a series of bullet points. if possible, role play situations that make you nervous with a friend or relative. i'd recommend joining an amateur dramatic group if that would interest you. also, try to detach yourself a little. focus on the times in the past when you've been nervous and things have worked out fine.
• Sometimes the Classics say it best: ...and in that dreadful place those spooky, empty pants and I were standing face to face! I yelled for help. I screamed. I shrieked. I howled. I yowled. I cried, "oh, save me from these pale green pants with nobody inside!" but then a strange thing happened. why, those pants began to cry! those pants began to tremble. they were just as scared as I! I never heard such whimpering and I began to see that I was just as strange to them as they were strange to me! I put my arm around their waist and sat right down beside them. I calmed them down. poor empty pants with nobody inside them. and, now, we meet quite often, those empty pants and I, we never shake or tremble. we both smile and we say "Hi!"" -Dr. Seuss, What Was I Scared of?
• I've heard (but not tried) that acting out an interview with someone you know beforehand can help.
• I have the same sort of anxiety, stripe, and it's all related to making phone calls. I hate making phone calls to strangers and get all worked up over just having to order a pizza. But my last job forced me to make cold phone calls repeatedly. The way I got over it was to imagine "what is the worst possible scenario," because the worst possible scenario almost never happens (ie. person on the other end says, "What the fuck are you talking about and who the fuck are you?"). I think my biggest fear is that I'm going to sound like a complete jackass worthy of much mockery, and frequently must remind myself that I am an intelligent adult capable of a normal conversation. Most of the time, that is.
• As a young adult, I suffered from a very high degree of timidity; trying to talk to a stranger, specially an attractive female, was very diffcult. Besides forcing me to have more social contact, staring directly into the eyes of the interlocutor and mentally blocking out everything else helped me somehow. Plus, it overcomes the image on one as a shifty, nervous person avoiding eye contact. YMMV.
• A great poem, FishT! Echo what Fes said. I'd avoid the drugs, cuz it doesn't fix the underlying issue. One good way to work out the shakes: Toastmasters. Check it out www.toastmasters.org, it sounds corny but it's a lot of fun, and it works. Cheap too. I used to be terribly nervous about making presentations so you're definitely not alone. I still get nervous but it's nervous energy, not nervous terror. Best part about Toastmasters I found was the 2 minute impromptu speech. You're handed an arbitrary topic, you stand up and start talking. It sounds difficult and it is at first, but after a few weeks, you'd be amazed at what you can do.
• To further expand on Fes's advice, allow me to quote an interview with master card magician Ricky Jay, where he tells the story of asking master Dai Vernon how to improve his technique.

  "Professor," I protested, "I really want to know how I can improve my technique and performance. I want to take lessons from you. I really want advice." Vernon smiled his patented half smile, and with a delicate movement of his eyes beckoned me closer. I leaned forward with anticipation, almost unable to contain my excitement, about to receive my benediction from the master. "You want advice, Ricky," he said. "I'll give you advice. Fuck as many different women as you can. Not the same one. Not the same one. Fuck many different women. Many different women."

• So this gonna sound negitive and radical BUT... I think that of most (99%) people as worthless so I don't really care about what they have to say. That helps me. Then I find because I am aloof people are begging to interest me. Put a new spin on it; you won't get nervous if you don't care what they have to say. Try it out.
• Go somewhere that you do not live (a nearby town is fine). Know in advance that you are not going to get any dates. Know that you don't care because you really don't know or like these people and you will never see them again. Proceed to hit on everyone you see. Make conversation. Try different approaches. Be yourself. Be someone else. Be modest. Be boastful. Remember that none of it matters because you do not know those people and will never see them again. You will get used to talking to women and not getting as nervous about it. It's like fes's idea really. You are just gaining experience.
• well oxycontin seems a little heavy-handed for anxiety, but there is a lovely little benzo called ativan. its the kinder, gentler valium/xanax sibling. very mild, much less likely to addict your ass, and just dandy at smoothing out anxiety. my husband and I have matching his-n-hers prescriptions... also, good luck!
• I have a bit of this still - I sweat and blush in socially awkard moments, often when it's awkward for the other person more than it is for me. For a long time now I've never let it stop me - I have spoken at big conferences, taught university classes and chatted up strangers with abandon - and pace the Widely Echoed Master, His Fesness [:D], whilst it is not crippling, it has never gone away entirely. I'm pleased with that - it stops you being a cocky, self-absorbed prick of the type so prevalent in the world today. I'd say shoot for a happy compromise where you can get the words out OK but you maintain your proper awe when faced with the enormity of what living, being and interacting with other humans actually means. That will come with time and perseverance.
• I can't do a scripted conversation because I know it sounds scripted. I just use an index card or a sticky note with bullet points of 'things to make sure to address in this conversation.' It allows more flexibility in case the conversation turns. As for practice, I find that forcing myself to do things via phone instead of mail or e-mail, when possible, is the best way to do it. Take, for instance, ordering things. Actually talk to the guy at the bookstore who wants to help you instead of waving him off. However, I have to give presentations at least every four months and I have to teach groups of 25 every week as of last year. That got me over the in-person stuff, but the phone calling is still rough. I think it's because we can't rehearse (like in e-mail) or ID body language (real life). I find that working in a 'professional' capacity helps, like having a job that requires it. Because then it's not *me*, as I'm just a voice representing MegaHospital. This is going to sound funny, but maybe trying getting dressed as if it were the real life situation. Do interviews in a suit.
• I have to say, think of medication as a last resort.
• I'm also seriously telephonophobic - a completely irrational horror of making calls, especially to people I don't really know - and I'll second (third? fourth?) those saying that the only way to overcome it is to do it a lot. It sounds like it's the really important calls you get worked up over - is that the case, or do you get twitchy over almost any calls? Try to find some reason to make calls of what you might call medium importance - I was lucky in that I got a job where I had to be on the phone a lot, calls that were reasonably significant, but rarely absolutely essential. You get to try out lots of different tricks - be it breathing exercises, scripting your first few comments, or my personal favourite of putting yourself in the mindset of an arrogant fuckwad. For me, that was the key - not acting entirely like myself removed a lot of the anxiety issues I had. (I no longer act arrogant, by the way; my new phone persona is of a happy smiley children's TV presenter. With a slight Scottish accent.)
• On preview: cobaltnine nails it, that a large part of the problem is not being able to identify the body language of the person you're talking to. Not precisely that you think everybody you talk to is rolling their eyes and making wanker signs as they speak, but... well, some of them probably are.
• Start a fight with a stranger. Destroy a piece of corporate art. Give yourself a chemical burn. Make soap. Works for me.
• I absolutely hate making phone calls, pretty much for the same reasons kittenhead described. What helps me is to go over what I am going to say a few times. I feel a little more confident when I finally make the call, and most of the time the conversation won't be that bad.
• /makes wanker sign now
• I go for the full immersion. When I speak in front of a large group, I get the shakes something awful. I can present a speech or give a reading and sound fine, but my knees are a dead giveaway because they knock together, so it kind of ruins the illusion of confidence. I dealt with it by taking a solo singing class with fifty other people, that I had to perform in front of regularly. It helped for a while afterward, but I gave a reading at my sister's wedding before Christmas and discovered I'm back to my knee-knocking ways. Phone conversations are trickier. I'd second the 3x5 card idea with your main points, and practice over the phone with a friend, or multiple friends so you get a variety of questions to practice responses to.
• Stand up while you are talking on the phone. It will give you more confidence and project more confidence.
• More immediately, you can eat a banana or blow on your thumb. I don't know if the banana thing works, or the science behind it, but I remember in junior high our director would tell us to eat one before big tryouts. The vagus nerve, which governs heart rate, can be controlled through breathing. It'll get your heart rate back to normal (from lifehacker). Never tried the blowing-the-thumb trick yet. I also recommend the drinking lightly. We did that in my Spanish class before oral exams because it made you speak less rigidly.
• Stand up while you are talking on the phone. It will give you more confidence and project more confidence. Or lean back in your chair in an exaggeratedly casual way. Put feet on desk. Relax. Either could work.
• one of the ways I worked myself out of the jungle of extreme shyness and insecurity into my present brashly obnoxious, never nervous in front of people self was by "channeling" the personality of someone I knew well whom I perceived to have the qualities I needed in a certain situation. If I needed to confront someone (perhaps one of the scariest of social interactions) I would psyche myself out by thinking of my sister (a veritable pit-bull) and trying to instill some of her characteristics into myself for the time I needed it. It really works, if anything I am a little too ready for confrontation now!
• Sorta what Medusa said. I more or less induce an out-of-body experience when I go in front of a group of people. I leave the ol' Captain behind, say "see you in an hour", and just go up and do whatever. I'm not myself, but more or less on autopilot. Burn through it, and come down, rejoin my own personality. Or lack thereof. Shut up! Phones, I've always been lousy. Especially concerning girls. I give bad phone. People who are going to be in my life just have to accept that. Professional contacts, again, apersonal state. Mr. Roboto. Never deny the usefulness of disassociation or multiple personalities. They've gotten such a bad rap...
• I've often found that doing something more important while making the call seems to take the edge off and bolster my confidence. I'll call from work, for example, while working on a project that's on a deadline and where my clients are really depending on a really bad-ass product. It makes me feel bad-ass. Barring that, single-malt scotch.
• Also, probably a bad idea, but calling from the cell phone while driving limites the ammount of focus you can devote to feeling nervous. Of course, this could backfire horribly.
• Thanks for the advice, all. At the very least, it will give me something to think about besides just stressing out. My context currently is doing a lot of calls looking for first job out of college. I'm getting better at the content of the interactions (I write out a list of what I want to say or questions I have) but I still dread the actual interacting. Probably mct is right, and any difficulties are simply due to a lack of sex.
• When #2 did phone interviews just out of university, he sat at his computer with his resume pulled up and the details of his main projects. He tends to speak well on things he likes and knows anyway, and the sound of him clicking and typing on the 'puter, plus having all the details to hand added a little professionalism, I guess, and may be a handy distraction. Good luck on your interviews!
• I am totally serious about this: you might try doing your phone interviews naked. Depends on your state of mind, I suppose, but to someone like me, I'd be so amused over the fact that I was interviewing totally nude that it would help loosen me up and distract my mind from the pressure of the interview. Do a little naked dance before you make the call, that kind of thing.
• Sounds like Medusa and the Cap'n are talking about acting. At least that's the way I acted. Or was told to, anyway. To Be or . . . damn!
• MCT, you are never allowed to call me.
• The more I think about this, the more I like it. Dance around nekkid before the call chanting "hire me or I'll stain your carpet, hire me or I'll stain your sofa..." The goofier you get, the more relaxed you might be.
• See, Stripe, everyone likes you. Fuck those people on the phone anyway.
• MonkeyFilter: seriously telephonophobic
• Phone phobics...get a telemarketing job for a few weeks. Live through that, and you'll be able to call Hitler about an amazing opportunity to invade Poland! Absolutely guaranteed results! Comes with blitzkrieg. /bad taste.
• Phone sex job! Why are all my answers about nudity and sex?
• Imagine them on the toilet.
• Monkeyfilter: I give bad phone I have the very annoying custom of walking around, up and down stairs, flagging my arms, or doodling like a madman when speakin on the phone. I avoid it when in the company of others, but when alone, well...
• Phone phobics...get a telemarketing job for a few weeks. Live through that, and you'll be able to call Hitler about an amazing opportunity to invade Poland! Absolutely guaranteed results! Comes with blitzkrieg. I work via the phone (tech support). I now avoid using the phone outside of work whenever I possibly can.
• My advice: simply stop caring so much. My parents moved me to a new town against my will immediately prior to my senior year of high school. All my life I'd been a shy, reserved child. I'd rarely talk to friends, let alone strangers. I was so angry I rebelled with an internal "fuckit", and decided I'd let all the things that had been in my head tumble out of my mouth. Because I honestly didn't care what any of those people thought of me. Not only was it incredibly liberating, but people were actually drawn to me because of it. I don't think I'd have been able to get into medicine without it. Now my brutal honesty is my hallmark, and I'm extremely popular with patients as a result of it. Not really sure how this helps. What were we talking about, again?
• BTW, moneyjane, I thought of you (or at least your online moniker) the night before last, at about 2 am, while watching the doc "It Ain't Easy Being a Ho" on HBO. Specifically, I recall taking note that none of them were nearly as articulate as you are. Please read the above carefully: the "H-word" is in quotes, as it was in the title. No offense intended. As I've never addressed you directly before, perhaps I'm overexplaining.
• Hmm, tenneho: I'm not sure that I'd want a brutally honest gyn (um, doc, is it really ugly? Why does that nurse appear to be smiling hysterically while peering at my twat from a vantage pointa a few inches from my left foot? I assume she's protecting you from sexual harrassment charges, but she makes me more uncomfortable than the ice cold speculum. Yeah, I know it looks like oysters gone bad, but really... how ugly is it?) But, I like your style when I'm not in the stirrups.
• I usually make horrible faces at people while I'm talking to them on the phone. I've been told I have a great phone voice, and my voice may soon be the voice of my ATMs. In real life, I talk too fast and have to repeat myself a lot, but on the phone for some reason I can slow it down and do it well. For me it's almost like slipping into a different persona. I make a game of trying to sound more polished with each call, and I'm so busy thinking about that, I can't be nervous. My best advice is that it's the actual gearing up for a call like that that's hard. Making yourself pick up the phone and then throw your voice out there into the great void, especially when you want something from the other person, is the hardest bit. Once that moment is over, it's just another chat. If you can glean anything helpful out of the above, you get a gold star. Because there probably isn't anything.
• Lara, you just made me shudder at a memory. I had to get Help Desk Institute certified a couple years ago. The training for that said, "People can hear your expression over the phone!" I laughed maniacally over that. People who are grinning like stoned, orgasming bliss fiends cannot see your face. Whatever study HDI may have been citing probably ignored some important variables to prove a point or was grossly misreported in that issue of Call Center Management Monthly. I'm living proof that you don't have to smile to be pleasant on the phone. You just have to fake it well. (And on that note, anyone know how to refresh your level of nice? I keep running out lately.)
• When I was a student I worked at an answering service, and I found that the ruder the caller was, the better I felt like I sounded. I think it was a bit "I know I'm a better person than you" but it was very effective at either calming them down or making theM more angry until they'd just start screaming incoherently into my ear. Then I'd hang up, smiling pleasantly. It was a good job. The hours sucked, though.
• and my voice may soon be the voice of my ATMs What fresh horror is this? Talking cash machines? That's it. I'm taking the agoraphobia option.
• Now Lara owes us all a phone call.
• I think path owes me a dinner or something. If it's ugly, and you know it's ugly, and you want someone to tell you it's not ugly, ask someone besides me. Seriously, though, having gained the ability to talk to anyone about anything has been great. I can get you to tell me your most intimate secrets before you even realize you've done it, because I can discuss sex (and other taboos) as casually as I recount what I had for lunch. In short: the secret is believing that they're just words, and that anyone you offend with them probably isn't worth your time anyway. It's walking the line between confident and cocky but not fallling off on the wrong side. OWN it, stripe. If you think you're the man, you're the man.
• Lara, if you call me, kindly tell me (as softly and seductively as possible) that I've got fiteen million dollars or so available in my checking account. No, seriously. If you could, like, send me an mp3 of that or something, that'd be great.
• /lara's luscious, melodious, sexy voice "Please insert card. Ooohh, thanks you. Please input your 4-digit code. Thank you. The code supplied doesn't match the one on record. If this is a mistake, you have nothing to worry about. Just extend your arms upwards and place your palms on the circles above this unit, and extend your feet. Armed response is approaching this location as I speak. Please don't any oppose any resistance or bodily injury may result. Have a nice day"
• all fear comes from anger... I'm angry with high places?
• I second the suggestion of Toastmasters. My dad used to be extremly shy, and then he joined the Lions Club. He had to give lots of speeches for the Lions. At first, he would be so nervous that you could see him tremble from head to toe, and his voice would shake. Eventually, though, he got more confident and became a very polished public speaker. It tickled him pink the first time another club member asked him for pointers on public speaking. This confidence has spread out through the rest of his life; he's much less shy and retiring. I'm proud of my dad for overcoming his shyness and fear, and I'm sure you can do it too.
• "It Ain't Easy Being a Ho" on HBO. Specifically, I recall taking note that none of them were nearly as articulate as you are. Ooo! I'd love to see that. No offense whatsoever. BTW, if you really are a tennenho, you might want to raise that a bit - maybe start off with a little twentyenho action. Before you know it bitch, you'll be up there with us hunnerenhos! Y'all can buy shoes even!
• Hee hee...Money, I actually checked again. If you really wanna see it...it's called "Atlantic City Hookers: It ain't E-Z Being A Ho". It's a short film by Brent Owens. Clicky
• I'm angry with high places? I had no idea I was angry with clowns. I wonder what they did to me.
• I'm angry with high places? Ha! Props to the Plegmeister. High places have pissed me off for years! fuckin' high places, right? Think they're so great! I'll fuckin' show them!
• Too right, mate. I'm about sick of getting attitude from altitude, know what I'm saying? Maybe, stripe, you just have a more sensitive nature than most, a good thing on the whole though not much comfort in your current situation.
• I would appear to be VERY angry at spiders...