December 21, 2005

• I am still a virgin. *cries*
• That's allright. You go over and stand by quid.
• Since mine was lost at a party, and since it was widely known to the guests that I was, in fact, currently losing my virginity in that bedroom right over there (you know, the one without the lock), there was a fairly steady stream of well-wishers, peepers, coat-hunters ("excuse us! You want the next room over!"), gawkers, supplies-purveyors, helpful tipsters ("don't forget to pull out! haha!"), clothing-stealers, amateur reporters ("so... how'd it go?") and various other persons-of-note, to the extent that at one point there were no less than THREE other people sitting on the bed in addition to myself and my extraordinarily charitable girlfriend, it's a wonder anything got accomplished at all. That evening, as well as being First Night of Fesly Coitus, is also the day I set my personal record for Greatest Number Of People I Have Been Pretty Much Naked In Front Of (to wit: lots).
• *gets comfy, calls for beer vendor*
• Uh, Fes, by 'extraordinarily charitable', you don't mean 'drunk', do you?
• well, yes. I assumed that was understood. But also charitable in that I don't know many other women who would allow the sorts of, um, sociability that took place during this particular event.
• I lost my virginity in the stereotypical fumbling, getting-it-over-with way. But the *second* time I had sex, a year later in college, right afterwards, the guy (who I had a big puppy crush on) told me that he felt like he just had sex with his sister. He avoided me like the plague after that. I was so young, dumb, and hurt, it was a long time before I actually realized what an asshole he was for saying that to me. And that he was shitty in bed. Fucker.
• Uuch. Once again, on behalf of my gender, please accept my apologies.
• His avoidance was probably just to cover the fact that he was a lousy lay. And the fact that he fucked his sister.
• S'alright! All the fantastic sex I had the next year with the goofy computer nerd down the hall from him made up for it. Yayyy!
• nothing traumatic to report (nor exciting) I lost it in the FRONT seat of a small car (not recommended) at a party, drunkish...was also my first time giving head and I just can't imagine that was any kind of amazing experience for him!
• There's not really a clear definition of a male losing his virginity, is there? It's not as cut-and-dried as with a female.
• I think the traditional formula is orgasm + any other person besides yourself in attendance = bingo.
• Sooo... masturbating in public -- is that in or out?
• Well, according to my formula, I guess that's in. Either we need to revise the formula to provide for other person participation, or we need to revise the date you lost your virginity back about a year and a half. *rimshot!*
• Rimshots are a whole 'nother story, aren't they?
• My first involved me saying something to the effect of "Let's get this over with" and, later, thinking "well that was a waste of a perfectly good condom". I was already jaded at a young age. Virginity was my enemy at that time.
• Orgasm + brought off by anyone other than yourself/your stuffed animal/your mattress/the jets in your parents' jacuzzi = bingo. Having known quite a few fairly conservative girls when I was a younger lad, I was always very amused how many of them clung to the "technical" definition of losing one's virginity. My first serious girlfriend was a textbook case -- we had about a year of some stank, down-and-dirty sex before we finally crossed the line and had actual penile-vaginal intercourse, and the reason for that wait was she wanted to "hold on to her virginity." I was of course wise enough to refrain from laughing out loud when she said that.
• I don't have a horror story, except that I was, ah, dating someone other than the guy involved at the time. It was good. Of course, we'd been doing "everything but" for a few months. And we're still friends (after some years of drama). The first time I had an orgasm with someone was over a year later. Same guy, though, after he got his tongue pierced. note to self, stop commenting at work.
• She made me wait a year before she let me touch the goods. A whole year! And on top of all that, my little brother walked into the room while we were performing the deed. On the plus side, here it is 15 years later and she still lets me touch the goods. Heh. Glad both of us have improved our techniques since that first half excited/ half scared shitless episode.
• I suppose my goat-fucking escapades will merely elicit the usual chorus of boos, so let's just move quickly on to that time I fellated an aardvark.
• I was a virgin. She was not. We had planned it for a little over a week -- my parents were going out of town and leaving the house to me. We intended to have a nice weekend of just the two of us and lots and lots and lots of sex. However, two things conspired against us. 1) she caught a cold. 2) Our friends found out we had the house to ourselves and decided a party was in order. Ugh. I tried to be chivalric and tell her it was ok, that we could postpone the shnooging until another time, but she insisted we continue as planned. So, with a house full of drunken teenagers and a girlfriend tanked up on benadryl we went upstairs and performed the sloppy deed. It was quick and uneventful and she imediately fell asleep after telling me I was wonderful. She always was a great liar. Good ending -- no major damage was done to the house, and we had slightly less stumbling sex the rest of the weekend. *sigh, memories
• She always was a great liar. Ouch. Wimmen, right? Ow! GramMa! That hurt!
• (considers himself lucky that the most embarassing aspect of his first time was probably singing a Steely Dan song to himself [Kid Charlemagne, if you must know] whilst riding his bike back to his dorm at boarding school in New Hampshire...)
• Mine was not particularly traumatic, but taught me a bit about jerky guys. I was dating a guy who was about 10 years older than me, and he said he was freaked out about the "responsibility" of breaking me in, so to speak. Turns out he was banging his best friend and left me to marry her. After we broke up I was so frustrated and just wanted it over with, so I hooked up with a male acquaintance a few weeks later. Didn't quite understand all the fuss at the time...that came later.
• very punny.
• Steely Dan, huh? Beats my Kate Bush.
• not Celine Dion? Je me souviens, mon ami...
• Nope. Pas de Celine. Kate, Abba pre-revival, and (at my insistence) The Cure's 'Mixed Up'. All of which makes for a pretty lousy soundtrack for anything anywhere ever.
• ♫Is the gas in the car? Yes there's gas in the caaaaaaar♪ Never could hit that high note...
• Donald Fagen can't even hit that high note. And honestly, I don't think he ever did. I'm not sure it's even an actual note.
• I always loved that lyric. Just get it all outta heeerre
• yeah, but Kid Charlemagne is still a great song... I think the soundtrack to my virginity-loss may have been ac/dc....oh my!
• If You Want Blood, You Got It? *runs away*
• *yells from out of stones-throw range: Dirty Deeds Done Dirt Cheap?
• Gahaha. It was the first time for the both of us. It had taken quite a short time to get to that stage for our age...tsk. So young we were. xP So yeah. Unprotected first time. And like the succeeding many many times. *cough* She turned out to be infertile in the end, but I will always remember how much we worried and worried. She had the time of her life. oO I...don't get any pleasure from anything sexual, so I just enoy giving the pleasure. xD Enough information? (don't offer advice! I am honestly COMPLETLY unable to feel pleasure. I've tried everything trust me. People ALWAYS offer advice after I say that I cant feel.)
• There's not really a clear definition of a male losing his virginity, is there? It's not as cut-and-dried as with a female. posted by muteboy at 04:59PM UTC on December 21, 2005 I think the traditional formula is orgasm + any other person besides yourself in attendance = bingo. posted by Fes at 05:02PM UTC on December 21, 2005 Are we being serious here? Losing virginity is when the penis penetrates the vagina. Not really any other definition I am aware of. Because of a combination of my Catholic upbringing, shyness around women, and startlingly unattractive looks, I did not lose my virginity until I was 22. Sadly, it happened against my will when I was drunk. I kept saying "no" and trying to get away, but my defenses were on the weak side at the time. The good part was that she happened to be an aerobics instructor.
• "Just by chance you crossed the diamond with the pearl / You turned it on the world / That’s when you turned the world around / Did you feel like Jesus / Did you realize / That you were a champion in their eyes..."
• /writes lenghty, detailed description, stares in horror just before clicking 'Post', deletes post and sadly shakes head Ah. Let's just say: didn't have the slightest idea of what we were doing... or why. Peer pressure, much? Precautions? A pleasant setting, actual pleasure? Ha! Oh well. At least alcohol wasn't involved. Just high on stupidity. And we were very lucky, too.
• Monkeyfilter: Just high on stupidity.
• [PSA -- turns out that the Masturbation Humiliation Stories ARE on the internets -- I would have linked them above had I known. Check here for the girls (esp. the Toothbrush Story), and check here for the guys, and in particular, the Hose Story. Don't say I never gave you nuthin' for Christmas.]
• Losing virginity is when the penis penetrates the vagina. Not really any other definition I am aware of. If you did some of the stuff I did with my first girlfriend before we actually fulfilled your description, you might understand why I had a hard time considering myself a virgin through it all.
• i was at an all boys boarding school, and we were on a canoe trip from ille de la cross to la ronge in saskatchewan...about half way thru the trip, the boy i loved and i found a damp patch of basically swamp--lillies, cat tails and all, he laid down his back, and we fucked... it was nice, but what was nicer, was the giant great blue heron who flew over us as we were cuddling... i was suprised that we werent caught
• MCT, I'm afraid we're going to need some descriptions. *flips open notepad, clicks pen, looks intent*
• Finally! Someone posts a deflowering that went well! Thanks PinkMoose!
• *cries*
• You provided no details, dude. All we got was the bike-enhanced vocal stylings of the freshly-boinked.
• Your flaunting : ) comment reminded me of some statistic about Texan teenagers; how they have very high STD levels due to unprotected practices, specially anal sex. Why? Because they don't want to lose their virginity. So instead of vaginal, they go thru the backdoor. So much for al those abstinence programs...
• Previous comment directed at MCT, of course. Preview, who needs it? And those stories the Vapt. linked to could very well be in some Chuck Palhaniuk book. Guts anyone? *retches*
• Technical Virgin
• details: i went to a local boarding school, she was a townie chick who worked at the local video store and let me watch porn in the back room (i was just 16, she 19). she invited me to spend the weekend at her place, i accepted, we consummated fairly trauma-free, i bicycled home and sang....
• PinkMoose, you're OUT! es el Queso? our Monkeyfilter First-Post Trauma-Free Deflowerment Story winner! Congrats, my friend.
• Damnit. Was about to post my trauma-free one. Guess I'll just have to make up something interesting and shoot for the Most horrifically scarred award.
• Losing virginity is when the penis penetrates the vagina What about TEH GHEY?
• We were both totally nervous and fumbly. We started the event in a Pacer, the most complex and effective method of birth control ever invented, then we moved out onto a blanket in the grass where we were promptly attacked by approximately 1 million mosquitos. Did I mention we were in a graveyard? We were strictly looking for privacy, not kinks (the event on it own was tense enough, thanks). It never even occured to me to think of that as strange until I told my dorm buddies and they labeled it creepy.
• Mine was only semi-traumatic. I was with a guy who was not a great boyfriend, but was quite chivalrous about allowing me to control the speed of our physical relationship. He was drunk and nervous, I was not. Star Trek was on in the background. The sex itself was ok (it got a lot better very quickly), but I was horrified at how ... gory ... things looked afterward. No one had ever warned me about that. At that point he freaked out about the (as cabingirl said) "responsibility" of deflowering me, and eventually that's what broke us up. He was convinced that I needed more experience so I wouldn't stay with him just because he devirginized me, and I became convinced that he was an idiot.
• i caught teh ghey a couple of years after that experience, but she is and always will be my first intercourse. Pacers rock tho...
• Mine was magical. Sorry.
• My friend had been dating this girl for about a month. We were all at a party one night when he decided to break up with her. He wasn't in the party mood so he left, but she stayed behind and came to me for consolation. I obliged. We went back to her place and were at it within an hour of the breakup. Mine also had a soundtrack, of sorts. She played U2's War from a cassete player above her headboard. When side 1 ended she immediately reached up (without looking), flipped the tape and pressed play, all without skipping a beat, as it were. I thought that was cool.
• Never a horror story.
• Geez, it's almost embarrasing to think about those early years of sex. Being a curvacious girl I always got a bit of attention, which I enjoyed, but felt it was a bit out of my control. What made it worse was that I was always very horny but afraid of losing it to someone who wouldn't actually pay attention to what I wanted. So, I took matters into my own hands and chose the nerdy neighborhood boy to practice on. It was a pleasant surprise to find out that he was very well........proportioned. And not at all fumbly about it. Good times. Amazing the sense of power that sex can give you. It just got better and better.
• "If you did some of the stuff I did with my first girlfriend before we actually fulfilled your description, you might understand why I had a hard time considering myself a virgin through it all." -mct In fact, I did do the very same stuff with your first girlfriend. She loved it, but we were still virgins. Regarding my vaginal definition and how it relates to folks who are gay, I say that all gay people are virgins. History's most famous virgin is the Virgin Mary. She was called the Virgin Mary because she was alleged to have conceived of a child without having had vaginal intercourse (and also because her name was Mary), which is ordinarily required to achieve pregancy. She could have been banged in the ass countless times, been a cocksucking champion, or humped a thousand pussies, but she still would have been the Virgin Mary for religious purposes. And that is why I choose my definition of virginity.
• Star Trek in the background during sex = teh hawt. Just sayin'. No horror story, just a lot of sweet fumbling. She was the dead fish kind, even much later. I'd do a lot of work, give her great O's, but heaven forbid she lift a fucking finger. Now she does porn. Go figure.
• Soundtrack to my vplates: the Simpsons. Bit of fumbling, but she was much more experienced than I was (and yet, younger). Disappointing, but the oral was out of this world. Funny story: after a few years, the couch which holds my vplates ended up holding those of most of my friends. Something about that couch.....
• I lost my virginity to a girl I met at a drunken party toward the end of my senior year of HS. The act was consummated on the fifty-yard line of a nearby high school football field.
• "Something about that couch....." Stains.
• I see you're familiar with my couch, Chy.
• You can't say that about Our Blessed Virgin at Chrimble-tide bernockle, even if I did laugh out loud. As for my own first time, it is sadly now but a dim memory of dawn mist over parkland, alabaster skin with a hint of English rose and the sense of entering the gates of a wonderful mystery.
• Monkeyfilter: Star Trek was on in the background. Monkeyfilter: No one had ever warned me about that.
• soundtrack: Cocteau Twins (can't remember which album)
• soundtrack: Cocteau Twins (can't remember which album) Ooh, nice. Especially if it was Heaven or Las Vegas.
• I think it was either Head Over Heels or Treasure.
• Soundtrack: the gentle, romantic, subtle melodies of water-pump pool equipment in wet, slippery engine room at low-rent water park during school excursion sheez I've said too much. Ah, better than violins... not.
• I was drunk for my first time in the back seat of a tiny car. I had just goreached the vinegar strokes when I "Gambled & Lost" (farted and followed through). The large quantity of cider combined with me being nervous acted as a laxative. She produced a facial expression of utter disgust and I had to ask my dad for the money it cost to have the back seat of the car cleaned (I was 15 at the time). When I explained to him why I needed the money he burst out laughing as well and told all his mates. I can laugh about it now, but I couldn't show my face for 2 weeeks!
• I was drunk for my first time in the back seat of a tiny car. I had just goreached the vinegar strokes when I "Gambled & Lost" (farted and followed through). The large quantity of cider combined with me being nervous acted as a laxative. She produced a facial expression of utter disgust and I had to ask my dad for the money it cost to have the back seat of the car cleaned (I was 15 at the time). When I explained to him why I needed the money he burst out laughing as well and told all his mates. I can laugh about it now, but I couldn't show my face for 2 weeeks!
• Looks like you gambled and lost again.
• Listen: I would tell yall about my experience, but the old man told me not to say anything. ;)
• Hey I'm not that old, buddy.
• Oh right - you fucked your own father. Gotcha.
• Perhaps LivewireConfusion lived near a nursing home. S'not polite to jump to conclusions. As far as actual trauma mine rates about a three compared to everyone else's. General nervousness and stoner powers of laughter meant lots of giggles. I like to blame the giggles on the smoke at any rate. *Sobs*
• *still crying over PinkMoose's story* That's beautiful, man. Beautiful. *sniff*
• Monkeyfilter: I 'Gambled & Lost'
• Goddamn, Viking, that's some funny shit!
• And how.