November 14, 2005

The Rapture Index from the fine folks at Rapture Ready
posted by Argh 18 years ago
  • I guess I'd actually have to read Revelations to understand why all the factors are important, but it appears we've been at "fasten your seat belts" for a long time. I wonder how long it takes for the thing to rev up.
  • There's nothing about a rapture in the New Testament.
  • I sincerely hope all the true-believers get their wish to be lifted bodily into heaven, and the sooner the better.
  • Enlighten me, please. Is it in the Bible at all?
  • From the FAQ "1 Thessalonians 4:13-18, we are given a clear description of the rapture: "the dead in Christ will rise, then we which are alive and remain shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord." Haven't bothered to cross-check it myself.
  • The rapture in Thessalonians does not refer to the transfiguration of the church in the manner described by apostate sects of Christian evangelicals today. It refers to the rapture of the saints. Evangelicals naturally consider themselves part of this host, but arguing over their interpretation of this incoherent mystical mumbo-jumbo is probably a waste of time.
  • So, Thessalonians are in the New Testament, but the reference is, um, interpretable. Without Rapture Ready's guidance, I wouldn't have realized that those who would be gathered up would be the quick and not just the dead. Though, I guess that picking up both makes sense. Sadly, their discussion of the Tribulations (which will follow the Rapture) is so detail-less that it's hard to follow. I'd guess that they're just hoping that it'll be soon, so that we non-believers will get our just desserts before they die (even though if they get to go though the Rapture, they've been sent to a place where such concerns should be irrelevant, or cause grief that their fellow humans had to suffer so.) It would be interesting to hear from Monkeys who believe that the Rapture is imminent or who could give us (or, maybe just me) details/references on how this will come down. I first heard of the event more than 10 years ago when the mother of one of my employees was sure that the "three days of darkness" was imminent.
  • I think the question of the day is ; Does the president believe in The Rapture and are his actions guided by this belief?
  • From Bible.com (Revised Standard Version): "13 But we would not have you ignorant, brethren, concerning those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope. 14 For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. 15 For this we declare to you by the word of the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, shall not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the archangel's call, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first; 17 then we who are alive, who are left, shall be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air; and so we shall always be with the Lord. 18 Therefore comfort one another with these words." Doesn't say anything about it being limited to only saints. In fact, if you backtrack one chapter, to Thess 3:11-13: "11 Now may our God and Father himself, and our Lord Jesus, direct our way to you; 12 and may the Lord make you increase and abound in love to one another and to all men, as we do to you, 13 so that he may establish your hearts unblamable in holiness before our God and Father, at the coming of our Lord Jesus with all his saints. " (italics added) So it would seem to be a general exhortation, not one directed only at the saints.
  • The only Rapture I believe in had something to do with eating cars -- Cadillacs and Lincolns, too.
  • I like to think that the rapture already happened and anybody still waiting for it failed the test.
  • eating cars -- Cadillacs and Lincolns, too Mercurys and Subarus And you don't stop
  • The Rapture was hot in 2003.
  • Of course, all that only matters if you believe random letters that Paul wrote are 100% accurate in their prophecy. Paul, whose followers went on to control the Nicean Council and made sure his letters were included and other gospels, written by people who actually knew Christ, were not. That Paul, right? /just sayin'...
  • You people need to stop arguing and just tell me what to believe already!
  • First, you'll have to tuck your penis between your legs
  • Then when there's no more cars, You go out at night and eat up bars. Where the people meet I don't believe in such things (Imminent rapturing, that is, not Men from Mars who eat cars, bars, and guitars. Of course they're real.) but I did spend 8th grade in fundie school, where there were actual, serious discussions allowed by the teachers about how great it would be if everyone just up and disappeared right then. As I recall, there were very specific signs and portents (taken from Revelations) that were to happen after the Rapture, but the signs before were pretty vague. Pretty much anything that was on the news could and was taken as a sign. I should note that this was 20 years ago. I wonder how many of them are still waiting?
  • We're talking about Blondie, aren't we? Their drummer is, in my opinion, one of the best in the business. I still haven't bothered to remember his name though. That is all.
  • Actually, I met God on one of those online dating things, and he said, "Dude! You would not believe the shit you can get away with, you know, like PUNKED! Yeah baby!" Then we hung out and shit, but then, he was all, you know old, and you know I hate the beard thing, and even if you're God, you can't get away with photoshopping an old head shot of Benjamin Bratt into a blue-eyed whiter shade of male, so, yeah, it didn't really work out. Now I got locusts.
  • His name was Elvis Ramone. Anyway, I love it when people become a hilarious parody of themselves. I mean, can't you see this Rapture Index in the back of Mad Magazine or as a segment on the Daily Show? I mean, haven't we already? It's two thousand fucking five. And we have a Rapture Index. And there are people who believe it to be meaningful. Let that sink in, then cry.
  • I should note that this was 20 years ago. I wonder how many of them are still waiting? IIRC, from my days as a Southern Baptist (I'm still recovering), the apostles who knew Jesus where of the opinion that he would be coming back to set up the new kingdom, like, ANY DAY. While they (the apostles) were still alive. So that didn't happen, and the next generation of christians believed, well, okay, NOW it's gonna happen. And it didn't. On and on and on until the present day. And you have to give 'em this--they haven't let the complete lack of anything happening the way their forebears believed it would stop them from believing it will happen that way anyway. Or something. WRT Paul, I always argue that modern evangelicals are more Paulists than Christians. Christ was all love and peace and Soul Train, whereas Paul was a little more agressive. Let's remember that before his conversion, Paul (then Saul) spent his free time stoning Christians to death. I argue that after his conversion he didn't lose that anger, he just redirected it, leading directly to the modern SBC. Not to mention the whol self-loathing homosexual thing...
  • Yup. Pretty much every generation has had its folk waiting for Christ II: The Christening. Pretty much anytime there's significant global conflict, you can expect there will be people shouting APOCALYPSE! There's an effort to look for signs and portents in every tragedy. I remember being forced to watch a televangelist while in a laundromat in Nashville a few years ago, and he was arguing that the Newest Biblical Scholarship suggests that we got Jesus's birthday wrong -- it's ACTUALLY SEPTEMBER 11! Of course, if God does exist, I confess I don't know why he hasn't whacked us already. If I were him, I'd largely be pissed off at us. Of course, he may just be waiting for us to do ourselves in, for a more poetic ending.
  • Personally, I've just joined the nanismists, a heretical and hitherto secretive sect who believe that Jesus Christ was, in fact, only 2-and-a-half foot tall. They present three arguments in favour of this unorthodoxy: (1) The messiah's height is never mentioned by the evangelists; this is because they were far too polite to mention that he was laughably short, and to disagree would be to fall into either of the heresies of disciplico-rudeness or apostolic-forgetfulness; (2) The myseterious conversion of Saul can be adequately explained by a small Christ: he appeared on the road to Damascus standing behind Saul, who didn't bother looking around for a dwarf with a big voice but looked into the sun (rather than "the son") and was thus blinded; (3) A 6-foot tall Jesus could hardly "live inside your heart" - could he? HA HA HA HA! No. I hope that, one day, you too find your own personal miniature Jesus and keep him in a box, like I do.
  • There have always been those that wait expectantly for the apocalypse, even we moderns. Has not the "end is near!" sign become near to satire, a New Yorker cartoon mainstay? The attraction being the possibility of ultimate, decisive validation of all the apocalptic's roiling fantasies, and the clubby security of thinking oneself as chosen, as extraordinary. Perhaps, even more than death, we fear the abyssal anonymity of the idea that our individual lives ultimately, in the greater scheme, are small and ordinary, lost in a six-billion-life sea of the present, and the uncounted oceans of history.
  • Heretic! Everyone knows that Jesus is made of pudding and the broken heart of an abandoned alpaca! For is it not written that Christ cursed the fig tree for not adding to His deliciousness, and did He not cry out from the cross, "Eloi, Eloi, Llama Sabachthani?"
  • You gotta know the signs of the times, man. The times of the signs. /passes the reefer
  • And I didn't hear anyone rapping on that site, despite its name.
  • Also, why doesn't he post hate mail? I mean, the "interesting email" isn't very interesting, is it? I'm sure he gets more interesting stuff than that.
  • Also: PORN!1!
  • Everyone knows that Jesus is made of pudding Oh, you damnable puddingist make little dwarfy Jesus cry.
  • The attraction being the possibility of ultimate, decisive validation of all the apocalptic's roiling fantasies, and the clubby security of thinking oneself as chosen, as extraordinary. There's something in that, I think, though I personally would like to see humanity continue, that the experiment might be a success. There is an attraction to apocalypse porn, however, at least about a "partial apocalypse" in which much of the monstrosity we've built is torn down. Sort of like a planetary "reset" button. That need for "extraordinariness" ties into it, certainly, to be one of the architects of the Brave New World in which the mistakes of the past are erased.
  • You're all wrong. It's got to be a Chocolate Jesus. Solid chocolate, not pudding. Of course it's got too many nuts in it for my taste. I'm here all week.
  • I'm here, all weak. Take me now, Sweet Fun-size Chocolate Jesus!
  • There is an attraction to apocalypse porn, however, at least about a "partial apocalypse" in which much of the monstrosity we've built is torn down. As a zombie movie aficionado, I can say with no hesitation that the entire genre is built on this idea.
  • 'makes me feel so good inside.
  • Milk chocolate Jesus, or dark chocolate Jesus? People were burned to death over this question, so pick your confectionary messiah with a little care, I beg you.
  • Revelations was a mushroom trip that was passed around like "Axis Bold as Love" until one of those Paul fanboys shoved it into the Nicean council meeting with a bunch of "groovy"'s and "far out, man"'s. Now we've got special-ed quasi-fascists with a literal destroy-the-world agenda. great.
  • > Christ was, in fact, only 2-and-a-half foot tall is this why the last pope was so hugely enormous? some sort of overcompensation by the catholics? i mean look at that guy towering over st peter's
  • No one tell Pete that Paul didn't write the Revelation of John.
  • I've often wondered if maybe St. John went a little crazy toward the end there. Okay, a lot. Because face it, if he hadn't been one of JC's homies, we'd read Revelations as an early document of mental illness.
  • Yes but Paul's hand in the creation of what became the church was so heavy, you're either with him or against him, non?
  • you want crazy, you gotta go to the Old Testament, most notably Daniel and Ezekiel.
  • Man, 'Zeke wasn't crazy. He was just abducted by aliens and misconstrued what had occurred. Seriously, look it up.
  • Let's remember that before his conversion, Paul (then Saul) spent his free time stoning Christians to death. Paul has always been a fascinating early Christian figure to me. For example, his conversion on the road to Damascus (Acts 9) bears at least some passing similarities to a schizophrenic episode. Of course, Acts 9 records that those travelling with Saul also heard the sounds of Jesus speaking to Saul (but didn't see the vision), but if you were experiencing a schizophrenic episode you might not be able to distinguish that others weren't sharing the same experience, and presumably it was Paul who described the miracle to Luke, who is thought to have written Acts. From an entirely different perspective, it's fascinating to think of Paul's overwhelming influence in the establishment of the early church, given that as an Apostle, he never heard Jesus' message directly (unless conversing with phantom-Jesus counts). And then there was his willingness to not only trade on his Roman citizenry, but to declare himself a Pharisee, to escape harm. An interesting man, in many different ways.
  • that's one adjective to use.
  • If you haven't ever seen the movie The Rapture is really excellent. The director shows just how stupid such ideas are by taking them literally. Mimi Rogers, who has huuuuge tracks of land, gives a great performance.
  • Does she have any railroad tracts?