October 16, 2005

• HOW CAN YOU ALLOW GAY PEOPLE AND NOT ALLOW MONKEYS?
• "I would love nothing more then(sic) to wake up and see a monkey sleeping be side(sic) me..." Ok, at eighteen years old this girl has problems. I was pretty shocked by all the cheapskates out there wanting to buy monkeys--don't they realize the maintenance costs? Then I realized most of them were teenagers. Then I started to feel a lot of sympathy for the monkeys. We all know what happens to novelty pets and I really can't even see a capuchin being flushed easily. Would they chop them up first?
• Where can I buy a gay person for a pet? Do they mind when you remove their k9s?
• I think that the only reason British people criticize us americas is because they are still mad that we beat their asses in a little something called the revolutionary war, and are teeth arne rotten and we hav Jacki Chan (haha)and we invented the light bulb and they cant spell. Uh, I don't think that you're... BRITISH PEOPLE ARE SHIZAS!!!!!!!!!!! (thats german) Stop. Please stop typing now.
• "I could help a monkey that might not be able to climb or something." That needs a 'Monkeyfilter:' in front of it. It's a modern classic.
• MonkeyFilter: Please stop typing now
• HOW CAN YOU ALLOW GAY PEOPLE AND NOT ALLOW MONKEYS? Every time I'm at the Pride Parade, that's exactly what I'm thinking! I mean, we know they make sailor suits for monkeys, so where the hell is the 'In the Navy' monkey float? I demand an answer.
• Pray for Mojo.
• You know what would solve this, of course. I am speaking of gay monkeys. Gay monkeys don't sling poo, no, they're far too cultured and sophisticated for such boorish behavior. No, your average gay monkey prefers a well-placed verbal barb, something witty with just the right touch of cattiness. Sometimes just a lift of the eyebrow or ironic flick of the prehensile tail will do. Gay monkeys are also far better groomed and with a stronger sense of style, eschewing the plastic, disposable Pampers for traditional (yet functional) cloth diapers. Doing so opens up a whole new avenue of fashion -- patterns, bold colors, even (if one is feeling whimsical, or perhaps if it's Earth Day) a tie-dyed ensemble. After that, it's just a few well-placed accessories and a little man-scaping before we reach gay monkey nirvana, all the allure of a swollen red ass without being so painfully obvious about the whole thing. More tease, less strip. My point here is that the world would be a much better place if we all aspired to the temperament of your average gay monkey. We would sure as hell find an across-the-board improvement in the average level of personal hygiene, and our homes and businesses would be generally better organized. Plus we could discreetly hump each other at random, then curl up in a tree and take a nap. Truly, this is my roadmap for peace in the Middle East.
• What's the latin name for gay monkeys? Homo Homo?
• um...er
• I must admit that the contributions on that forum as quoted by the estimable mct are indeed a true summary of the reasons for my unease with America's global role. I might add that having such a stiff upper lip makes it even harder to conceal the shame of my appalling dentistry.
• Wanna get high? I have no idea what's goin' on. Pretty much sums up the thread.
• I really don't want to have to be the person who goes all crazy and serious (really, I'm fun loving and happy-go-lucky, usually) but I have to take a moment to lay down the law about monkeys as pets. Do not, for any fucking reason, get a monkey as a pet. Monkeys make terrible pets. Don't worry, I'm not about to go into a schpiel about the evil of owning animals. I don't have to, I have science. First, what kind of monkey do you want to have as a pet? Most people either go for Capuchins (cebus capucinus or albifrons) because not only are they cute as button, they are also smart as a whip. The other monkey most people go for are macaques (macaca sp.), mostly Japanese Macaques (M. Fuscata) or Rhesus Macaques (M. Mulatta), for the same reasons as Capuchins; they are smart and cute. Capuchins live in S. America, Macaques live across Asia. What do these monkeys have in common? They hate you. Why do they hate you? Well, both Macaques and Capuchins live in groups of more than a dozen or more individuals. You are not a dozen or more individuals, you are a busy working class hero who busts your ass so you can afford to blow money on buying a monkey as a pet. Ergo, you do not have twelve or more hours to spend socializing with your monkey. Not having anyone to socialize with will make your monkey very mad. A mad monkey makes your life very difficult. Picture locking a 3 year old acrobat with a bad temper and no toliet training in your home. That's what owning a monkey is like. They will express their displeasure in several creative ways, namely: - Shitting on everything you own - Throwing everything not nailed down - Screaming incessantly - Biting you and everything else within reach. So please, for the love of god, don't get a damned monkey as a pet. Cats are cuter, dogs are more fun, and gerbils are more flushable.
• Also, monkeys can give you herpes.
• Also, monkeys can give you herpes. Huh. Well, that explains a lot.
• /cancels planned trip to Vancouver.
• actually the reason monkeys hate you if they are your pet is that they are more intelligent than you are!
• Monkey hate clean!
• First link is dead; if you go to our-pets.com they have a banner pointing you here. Monkeys for sale.
• Now my bathroom is monkey clean and monkey fresh.
• You know those people who want monkeys are all going to get Ebola. So it's not such a bad thing,really. Just one little bite, I'm told. Also, monkeys do have herpes and can spit in your eye and that will kill you.
• I knew someone would make a bathroom-monkey reference.
• Baby, I swear, a monkey spit in my eye! No, not one of my "freaky internet friends," a REAL MONKEY.
• the answer to spooky's conundrum of monkey ownership is, of course, "don't buy a monkey, BUY A DOZEN OR MORE MONKEYS!!!!"
• This local guy stole a spider monkey from a zoo, and two days later called 9-11 to essentially save him from the monkey who'd gone all Idi Amin and was wrecking everything and attempting to consume human flesh. It had also released the thousands of deadly spiders it carried in its underarm pouches - hence the name - and was demanding the keys to the family car. Moral; monkeys will fuck you up.
• *throws mofi gang sign*
• Under arm pouches! HA HA HA!
• i have cheek pouches for storing nuts. what?
• I bet you do, sexy.
• All those people who want a pet primate should just go ahead and get pregnant. I mean, you still get a primate, but usually it's one that will eventually stop pooping indiscriminately and start to act rationally. Who wants all the fun of a cranky three-year-old that never gets any better at providing for itself? That's a monkey for you. Smart, but not so good at leaving home and getting a job.
• Indeed. Plus it'll take care of you when you're in diapers, provided you don't piss it off too badly.
• Read: Reflections of Eden by Biruté Galdikas. *Shameless prof. plug*
• Not only that, but a cranky three-year-old with ADHD.
• ...it'll take care of you when you're in diapers, provided you don't piss it off too badly. It'll take care of you when you're in diapers, provided you do piss it off too. *visions of wheelchairs and staircases, saw too many ancient B movies as a child*