January 27, 2006

• "I'll be honest with you..." "Honestly..." "To tell you the truth..." (the modern version) "I'm being for real..." Apparently people who say these things should not be believed whenever they do not preface a statement by proclaiming its veracity.
• "It's just one thing after another!" she shrieks. "That's how time works" I reply.
• Time and tide wait for no man. He is not the fool that the fool is, but he that with the fool deals. Two heads are better than one. Seem too many to list, actiually.
• You always find it in the last place you look.
• Our government shouldn't be wiretapping Americans without getting the permission of the courts.
• "This goes without saying, but ..." I mean it. No, really. Don't say another word.
• To paraphrase Steven Wright: "He died instantly." You're alive, you're alive, you're alive, you're dead. You're alive, you're dead. Instant.
• miss ues of the term "literally" is amusing.... "I literally died when....blah blah blah" no! I assure you that you FIGURATIVELY died.
• Medusa, I know it doesn't really make sense, but dictionaries do say that "literally" can also mean "virtually". That's pretty stupid, but I guess overuse of the term in that context resulted in the definition we have now. Not a saying, but I once had a call when I was doing billing support for an ISP. A lady was furious that when we took money out of her account, it was there one moment, and gone the next. Literally (yes, for real now), she had a problem with the fact that just before we processed the payment, the money was there, and right after, it wasn't there anymore. I bashed my head on the desk a few times and tried to make her understand that we didn't take the amount away cent by cent over a period of time, it really was just an instant payment. Talk about self-evident...
• Maybe they were zombies Or speed buddhists
• A friend recently pointed out the silliness of: "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Of course it is, she said. If it was a picture of you when you were older that'd be one fucking weird camera.
• When things are misplaced... Well, it's gotta be somewhere. Ya think?
• As a kid, I was always bothered with the ending of Batman, when the announcer would say "tune in tomorrow, same bat-time, same bat-channel". I figured that I couldn't tune in to the same bat-time tomorrow, since tomorrow would be a different time. I was a strange kid. Obv.
• "You're gonna kill me, but..." Usually the preface for some outrageously inconvenient or unrealistic request, involving insane deadlines, limited resources and laughable expectations. If requester is female, sometimes an attempt to palying the cute card is made. I hear it everyday.
• In news stories about automobile accidents: "Authorities say that speed was a factor." Of course speed was a factor. It is rare that two parked cars collide with one another...
• And there's that obnoxious practice of inserting "if you will", into a sentence, either following or preceding an adjective or desriptive phrase. The undisputed King of "if you will"-ing? Big Dick Cheney. The turd.
• cobaltnine has a friend who likes Mitch Hedberg. "I tried playing tennis, but I gave up because got discouraged. I could never be as good as the wall. The fucker was persistant."
• What's up with "so-called"? Jim, in his so-called wisdom, decided to insult an elephant. We know what it's called, because you just told us...if it should be called something else, why don't you say; Jim, being an idiot, decided to insult an elephant.
• Now the challenge for the enterprising monkey: Create a paragraph using all these phrases!
• Something of a digression from purely self-evident phrases, one phrase that annoys me is "I'd tell ya, but then I'd have to kill ya." First off, the phrase almost never comes up in a situation remotely involving life or death, much less national security or corporate secrets. Why don't the people be a bit more inventive? "I'd tell you, but then I'd have to give you a really painful wedgie." or "I'd tell ya, but then you couldn't eat any bread products for a month." or "I'll tell you--but wait, you're not up-to-date on your vaccinations, are you?" Use the imagination. Then there's the fact that, since you're elevating it to the level of killing me, well, what makes you think you can kill me? You've already just warned me. Shouldn't you be concerned for your safety? Alternately, should you find yourself in that situation, you could always try and disarm them with kindness: Them: "I'd tell ya, but then I'd have to kill ya." You: "Really? Have a jelly baby." etc.
• mmmm, poisoned jelly baby.
• Damn, roryk saw through my cunning plan!
• Here's someone who needs no introduction!
• "Seriously -- did you put it in yet?"
• *puts on Doris Day wig, stretches out arms, draws deep breath* Que sera, sera! Or, per Archie Bunker: "Kay saroo saroo!"
• Dang, that drives me crazy. She'll recite every sub-page of a Senator while talking about politics, but she cribs off a comic and I'll never know. It still stands, of course, and gave me the bonus of remembering 'Hey, wasn't there a Twilight Zone episode about that?'
• ...virgin olive oil?...extra-virgin!?! C'mon, who're ye kidding? Don't play with your my food!
• I'm just sayin'
• But I am just sayin'!
• Not sure I'm just sane.
• Can I ask you a question?
• "In my opinion..."
• IMHO Yea, right.
• "Just so you know..."
• mct is the sexiest genius ever, and we should give him money.
• $