October 05, 2005

• He was fucking awesome in Eyes Wide Shut.
• [insert Sideshow Bob stepping-on-rake noise here] If it's a boy, they'll be sure to name him "L. Tom!"
• Yeah, it's part of the contract.
• The couple have been dating since April and became engaged in June. It's like the "I'm not gay, honest" uberplot on crack.
• Wait, I just realized why this story bothers me so much: how can *she* be pregnant if she's fucking him up the butt with a strap-on?
• Between this and the fact that Nick and Jessica are officially split, my office has been nervously atwitter all day.
• And I am fully expecting this kid to look like Micheal Jackson's kids.
• The kid will be black, like Chris Cagle's.
• I hope they'll name the baby after quidnunc. Because quidnunc's love for Katie is a pure love, unlike Tom, who's in it for box office rankings and CS recruiting. And god help her if she gets post-partum depression.
• Nick and Jessica split? OMG! After the two Pariseseses broke up, I didn't think I could take any more stress. So, did you know that for some stupid reason some friends and I were discussing the name Paris, and I was like "it's a guy's name anyway, hello, Romeo and Juliet!" and they were all like "bzuh?" and I was like "y'know, engaged to marry Juliet, goes to grieve her dead body, gets in a duel with Romeo, is killed by Romeo?" and they're like "bzuh?" and I'm like, dudes, people overlook R&J way too much, because it's great. And plus, boy's name. So there.
• Tying this in to the previous Six Degrees fpp, my future brother in law (beginning Saturday) went on a date with Ms. Holmes.
• Oh, and on topic, right, right...*rummages for something to say that isn't just BZUH?* Sorry, I got nuthin'.
• Names for baby: Jor-El if a boy, Zor-El if a girl. I don't know any Kryptonian hermaphrodite names.
• "I don't know any Kryptonian hermaphrodite names." Oh, Krypto, of course!
• Paris was the name of Hector's brother in the Iliad, also! The stealer of Helen, launcher of a thousand ships and whatnot. Still a boy's name, though, you're right. Honestly, I don't know what all the fuss is about, Katie Holmes is pretty and everything, but she got a vapid look about her, like she's always thinking about baking some delicious cookies.
• After barely two months of very public dating, Cruise proposed to the previously reserved Holmes June 17 atop the Eiffel Tower... Who reserved her previously? I didn't even know you could do that. Where do I go to make a reservation for Julie Delpy? "Yes, I'm prepared to wait..."
• Bzuh?! Whuddabout the uber-Paris, Paris of Troy. Y'know, took Helen whose visage launched a thousand round pounds? Stole her away from Menelaus. Paris here, also a guy. Surely your lit-impaired friends can remember back to last year's blockbuster Olly Stone joint with Brad Pitt? And they're all like bzuh? because apparently I'm one of the five people who saw it.
• on preview--d'oh!
• the d'oh of bzuh.
• Mmkay, I still think he's gay, and I still think this is just a ploy. I predict she will have a very convenient miscarriage. Man, he must be paying her a fortune. /snarky?.......yes.
• Oh man, I didn't even think to make the Paris of Troy argument to them. Given the looks I got, it probably wouldn't have helped. (I love these friends, but litgeeks they are not. Plus, I don't think anyone saw that movie. It's all a big, big lie).
• If they called the kid Control, it would cause a heck of a loop: "The name's Cruise, Control Cruise, Control Cruise, Control Cruise, Control [ad infinitum]." Would be a nice Get Smart tribute.
• Monkeyfilter: The d'oh of bzuh.
• I think it's a wee one of the test-tube variety. They could call it Py-Rex.
• I'm living up near Toledo, OH, where Katie's from, so we get waaaaaay too much of the Katie news up here. (Also, used to date someone mildly obssessed with her.) Thus, I know enough, sadly, to ask this question: Wasn't Katie one of the girls who widely proclaimed she was going to wait to have sex until marriage? Weren't there the jokes about how she'd remain a virgin with Tom? Are we then supposed to infer that Tom is so hot and charming that he broke down her resistance? (That, or the big engagement rock?)
• but she got a vapid look about her, like she's always thinking about baking some delicious cookies. you say that like it's a bad thing!
• It's going to be a lizard child, only with a huge, toothy smile and big, beautiful round eyes. The alien cloaking technology will make it appear like a regular baby person to us hu-mans.
• with apologies to the thin white duke and kudos to monkeybashi who inspired me Cruise Control to Major Tom Cruise Control to Major Tom Take your protein pills and put your helmet on Cruise Control to Major Tom Commencing countdown, engines on Check ignition and may God's love be with you Spoken: Ten, Nine, Eight, Seven, Six, Five, Four, Three, Two, One, Lift-off This is Cruise Control to Major Tom You've really made the grade And the papers want to know whose shirts you wear Now it's time to leave the capsule if you dare This is Major Tom to Cruise Control I'm stepping through the door And I'm floating in a most peculiar way And the stars look very different today For here Am I sitting in a tin can Far above the world Planet Earth is blue And there's nothing I can do Though I'm past one hundred thousand miles I'm feeling very still And I think my spaceship knows which way to go Tell my wife I love her very much she knows? Cruise Control to Major Tom Your circuit's dead, there's something wrong Can you hear me, Major Tom? Can you hear me, Major Tom? Can you hear me, Major Tom? Can you.... Here am I floating round my tin can Far above the Moon Planet Earth is blue And there's nothing I can do.?
• ground control ground control to major tom we found a hole in your theory and named it Sean
• Ashes to Ashes, funk to funky, we all know Major Tom's a junkie.
• Also, Wolfgang Petersen directed Troy. Stone directed that other shit film, the one with Angelina Jolie's experimental accent work.
• Also, it occurs to me that, with those two parents, there's a high probability that the kid's going to enjoy fucking men when it grows up.
• I know several, uh, very juicy bits of info from people who've worked for Cruise, and I've started out typing them here several times, but I really don't feel good doing it. Much as I despise the shortarse little nutter, his sexuality is really not a thing I care to blither about. He's got a lot of problems.
• I promise not to believe a word you write, Chy.
• He loves to have sex with bread! He's the Hollywood bread boffer! There I said it.
• Meredithea, I think you may be thinking about this: "No 'Risky Business' for Cruise, Holmes"

  Looks like there’ll be no hanky panky for Mr. Top Gun. Tom Cruise’s new lady love has reportedly said that she wants to remain a virgin until she gets married.

• Just plain or with jam and butter? Oh, wait, he like his bread with Nutella, doesn't he? I knew it!!
• It boggles the mind to think how many times during its life this kid is gonna be asked "Who's your daddy?".
• Mmmm rumpy-pumpernickel.
• Olly Stone joint with Brad Pitt *bzt* *warning* statistically improbable phrase.
• Selma: But... don't you love me? Troy: Sure I do! Like I love Fresca. Isn't that enough? The only difference between our marriage and any one else's is: we know ours is a sham. Selma: Are you gay? Troy: Gay? I wish! If I were gay they'd be no problem! No, what I have is a romantic abnormality, one so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all cost. You see... Selma: Stop! A Fish Called Selma (Which was on tonight. So good.)
• Selma: But... don't you love me? Troy: Sure I do! Like I love Fresca. Isn't that enough? The only difference between our marriage and any one else's is: we know ours is a sham. Selma: Are you gay? Troy: Gay? I wish! If I were gay they'd be no problem! No, what I have is a romantic abnormality, one so unbelievable that it must be hidden from the public at all cost. You see... Selma: Stop! A Fish Called Selma (Which was on tonight. So good.)
• I ONLY CLICKED THE COCKA DOODY BUTTON ONCE!
• *snicker* You said "doody"!!!!!
• Where do you live where they still show good Simpsons re-runs? here in LA, they seem to be in a perpetual loop of 2002 or newer, or as I call them "the unwatchables."
• ....and "cocka"!!!!!!
• Chy, I can't believe you would tease us like that. So cruel.
• Happiness is a warm loaf.
• *sits and waits for the wheedling of Chyren to gain critical mass*
• On a more serious and on-topic note...
• Oh dear he's a genetic deadend...
• Not sure why this deserves all these comments. Or, why it was posted to begin with. I'd say you should be ashamed of yourselves, except that I commented. I am ashamed but your mileage may vary.
• Heh... Heard from outside trailer of Very Famous Movie Star shooting in Vancouver; "Lick my balls...say my name...lick my balls...say my name". We gets lots of set gossip here.
• Is this what schadenfreude is all about?
• I have not heard the practice of licking balls called 'schadenfreude' but you could be right.
• It's as good a name for it as any, I guess.
• "Chy, I can't believe you would tease us like that." No, no, I would never get into that whole thing of repeating that Tom is very conflicted about his sexuality and bedded a male staffer only to talk for hours afterward how it was so wrong and that Scientology would 'cure' them, and who later went on to blab about it to a friend of a friend who worked for a certain movie company with a certain sound engineer when the music for a certain tv franchise was recorded in an Australian city and who laughed long and hard when he heard about it, nor would I repeat the story that Tom likes to wear 'a beard' and that his marriages are contracts, Nicole's for 10 years and Katies for 4 in return for movie stardom with recruitment into Scientology a perk, because it would be hearsay and wrong and not my thing, and you didn't hear this from me and nobody could prove it.
• So he's a beard wearing bread fucker?
• Sir Thomas Pump-a-Loaf.
• Chy- Here in L.A., I heard the contract was for a full five years... Funny how he and Nicole divorced the DAY BEFORE he would have to pay alimony for the rest of his life. I think it's coincidence.
• Five years, eh? It's obviously a story that has gotten around. You don't have to have psychic power to see that Cruise is .. not a very sincere bloke. I don't know though, maybe he's just a head case. Fame fucks you up.
• Man, I feel so justified in my belief that when you are that good-looking you must be gay. I mean good-looking in a way that I don't even remotely respond to. And if I don't respond, well then, teh gayness is abound.
• Could the child have come from the stored seed of L.Ron Hubbard?
• That USAToday story is fuckin' strange. It reads like a press release. What's this complete bullshit.. "Cruise, 43, has been open about his desire to have children with Holmes. The Hollywood superstar already has two children: Connor, 10, and Isabella, 12, from his second marriage to Nicole Kidman, 38. His first union, with actress Mimi Rogers, 49, did not produce any children." The editorialship there is trying to bolster both the proposition that Cruise is not impotent AND that these 2 kids weren't adopted. Now I kind of feel sorry for the dude in the sense that my previous understanding was that he is impotent, meaning he produces antibodies to his own sperm, who get cross linked and can't swim. My strong feeling, in that he's public property and this is the least of the slander being thrown about, is that it's either a publicity stunt in which case she will 'lose' the baby, it has been done via in-vitro F so as to nullify the cross linking effects, someone else has either fucked her or donated a sample for IVF or it's a 1 in 10,000,000 chance of normal conception. I generally suspect he's a wanker, so I'm going with the IVF part I theory. Although.....my spermies would likely be happy with Katy in the near neighbourhood.
• Well, I just can't handle her really ugly feet. Hey everyone, I sliced my scalp open today at the hairline.. I bumped into something sharp.. and I was totally sober.. it's like a major 3 inch gash in my scalp that pissed blood.. d'you think it's karma cos I said nasty things about Sir Thomas de Pumpaloaf?
• No, it's karma because you're a woman-beating, debt-dodging, child-abusing, tadpole-squashing, xenophobic, backslider with herpes and terminal derangement. Orrrrrr, you were unlucky.
• Well, I just can't handle her really ugly feet That has to be the most offensive thing you have EVER SAID. My Katie is podiatric perfection, totally terrifically-toed and absolutely angelically-ankled, fantastic of foot and beautiful of bunion. A helen-heeled horndog, if you will. I'm going to travel back in time RIGHT NOW and secretly wish that you cut your own head off.
• Mmm - well, it kinda worked.
• The pulchritude of her Planter's warts is phenomenal. Fie* ye, poltroon! (pron. "phie")
• *
• Curious George -- what does "*" mean? I heard it was a mark of respect to the dead, but it just looks like a cat's arse to me.
• Woe, woe! will Wolof wail - why? Well, when Wolof wounds with words wonderous womanhood, weighty warts will wrack with wroth weak Wolof's wits.
• Wha..?
• Whoa.
• Wheee *slaps generous portions of pickle & pimento loaf on toasty wheat bread*
• I think that regardless of gender, the child should be named Luxury.
• This baby will be the Scientologist-anti-Christ!!!!!
• Vigo the Carpathian, otherwise known as L. Ron Hubbard, will return to life in possession of that baby's body, having been brought back through the painting at the Scientology Celebrity Center, much to Sigourney Weaver's dismay.
• firstly livii wins for causing me to eject bread crust through my nose. Secondly livii wins for coming up with the baby's name. Bzuh Cruise.
• From the "in all seriousness" department Further evidence of this heritable trait comes from Cruise's history; his biological father was mildly retarded and beat him severely as a child. I wondered what the fucked-upedness was all about.
• I dunno. My wife only has three incisors (lower, not upper) because she was a preemie and had one pulled to make more room for teeth in her overcrowded gums. Not really noticable, unless you know to look. Now I'm going to be looking at the man's teeth every time I see him on the tee-vee. It does piss me off that so many of these celebrities become totally bat-shit insane and expect us to take them and their crackpot ideas seriously just because they made a good movie once. The dude seriously needs to take a chill pill (of course medication is Psychiatry and Psychiatry is Evil so I know he won't do such a thing. He's still a jackass though.)
• my bad on Ollie Stone=Troy instead of Ollie Stone=Alexander. They were two different movies, right? And Paris was only in one of 'em, since Alexander wasn't even a Hershey bar in Phillip's back pocket at that time. Nor was Phillip for that matter a gleam in Amyntas III's eye.
• Frogs, I think that's the very popular tendency among people who are successful and/or knowledgable about one thing to believe that they are similarly expert at all things. It is not limited to actors :)
• Katie not allowed painkillers during birthing, under CS rules/guidelines/made-up-shit. Also, the newborn is to be given the silent treatment for a week, to cut down on the 'trauma' that speaking to one's child invariably produces. Wow -- using both USAToday and The New York Daily News (via Fark, no less) as source material for the same thread -- that's gotta be some kind of perverse record...
• "I don't know any Kryptonian hermaphrodite names." Oh, Krypto, of course! We named the dog Krypto.
• Tracicle, that link was messed up. I now officially know too much about the person referred to as Tom Cruise, if there was any doubt.
• There's a photo in that deleted Mefi thread of Tom smiling, and he does seem to have one incisor that's wider than normal, that also seems to be in the middle. He had orthodontic work done (last year? this year?) and wore braces for a while, so I'm guessing he's had it surgically altered by now. (I googled: His smile doesn't seem quite right here. Ah, here's a clearer one. One incisor on the midline.)
• Also, the newborn is to be given the silent treatment for a week, to cut down on the 'trauma' that speaking to one's child invariably produces. Well, looking at who would be speaking to the child, I'll have to agree with them here.
• Oops, shit, I forgot to tack on a joke about his attraction to men's butts. Sorry.
• Go ahead. It's not too late.
• He! Likes! Men's! Butts andhecannotlie! You otherbrothas can't de-ny! er . . well you get the picture.
• petebest wins! Seriously, isn't it supposed to be bad to leave babies in a silent environment? Isn't that supposed to retard development? (Or are the effects of one week negligible?) /knows nothing about birthing no babies
• I don't know enough about guesstimate about effects in the first week, but in general it's definitely bad to leave babies in a silent environment for extended periods. Their brains are hard-wird to learn (well, maybe soft-wired would be a better description). They soak up everything that's going on around them and their brain automagically deconstructs and interprets it. You apparently don't have to make any special effort at all and a baby will learn language very quickly simply by being in the room. I shudder to imagine what might happen to such a mind deprived of stimulation.
• You apparently don't have to make any special effort at all Although it's better if you do. Silent period = stupid horseshit.
• Scientology = stupid horseshit.
• MonkeyFilter: posted by Chyren at 03:41AM UTC on October 07, 2005
• Isn't that supposed to retard development? Yes, but not as much as having Tom Cruise talk to the baby about how much he likes men's butts.
• Tommy and Katie sing duet at Scientology bash, Tommy receives award for his contributions to indoctrination. Sad note -- Isaac Hayes a Scientologist. Which officially makes the theme from Shaft 72% less cool and subject to open mockery.
• There may be hope for Quiddy and Katie yet.
• Go for it Quid! She's headed for the rebound!
• Small matter of the child, but we'll leave that to the courts.
• Li'l Quidnunc will be an Internet streaming-video sensation!
• I missed out on pope, I missed out on Dr Whomsoever, I missed out on MoFi subadmin. I will NOT miss out on impregnating Ms Holmes with my quidspunk, kids.
• Right. Spunk for Katie, Koko is denied your essence. Check.
• Nic is revamping her collection of unmentionables. "Since meeting Keith, Nicole's relaxed her diet and started working to give herself a curvier and sexier frame. There's a little more to her now." " Thank you, Mothra, thank you.
• (Guess Tommy kept it all in the divorce...)
• Here is why I don't have children.