September 25, 2005

• Step one: obtain some lubricant. Although KY is best, many different things will work: hand soap, shampoo, motor oil. Note: toothpaste will not work. Step two: find a private space where you can be undisturbed for a goodly length of time: bedroom, bathroom, overpass, etc. Step three: remove your pants and underwear. THIS IS KEY. Step four: Apply lubricant to your right hand (or left hand, if you're a lefty). You won't need very much. Step five: Using a firm (but not painful!) grip, stroke your penis from base to tip with moderate speed. While doing so, think of something sexual. Nothing is out of bounds! Your imagination is your playground. Repeat until orgasm. Happy to help.
• Forget about the whole getting laid thing for a moment and work on self-conifdence in general, rather than linking it with your ability to score. Also, what waraw said.
• Go the Tantric route. I believe it's supposed to help you focus your energies.
• If all else fails, calls waraw, who is apparently happy to help.
• If that doesn't work, let your hand be your best friend.;>
• As I experience it, there are certain limits to celibacy. It is not so much the physical aspect - that is easy to take care of - but a certain kind of emotional intimacy that is missed after a year or two. But then again I do not experience it this strongly - I mostly react in the presence of nice women, when alone I always felt moderately peaceful in this regard. A lot of peace of mind obviously is to be had in the buddhistic approach: Just accept your urges as a factum, but do not identify with them. The concept is a little difficult to explain for me - but there are many good writers. Of special interest in this regard may be a talk of Noah Levine (a Buddhist monk), where he talks about his experiences with celibacy. (Warning: That is a sex talk with American Buddhists. Lots of giggling are to be expected). By their vocation priests tend to be reasonably well trained in not having sex (Please, let us keep this serious. I know ideal and reality sometimes diverge significantly). Still it cannot be contested that celibate priests continue to experience a certain tension. It is as Oscar Wilde said: "The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield." So constantly controlling yourself takes some power. The things you gain for it - mostly time and more flexibility in your lifestyle - may or may not make up for it. But - forgive me for saying so - it seems to me that this is more psychological than physiological problem. There are things that are difficult to realize on an non-intellectual level: 1. Your urges are not as strong as you probably think they are - provided that you are not constantly feeding them. Nobody ever exploded because of lack of sex. 2. You don´t have to score like Casanova - in fact, doing so gets boring pretty soon. It just does not pay off imho. 3. Just be nice. Thats it. The world is out there with lots of wonderful women. Some of them are available - some of them are not - who cares. Every woman is an end to itself. Sorry for that badly ordered and even worse thought through sermon. I hope you will be able to make a little sense out of it and would be glad if it helped a little. Some of that knowledge has cost me a lot of blood, sweat and tears to gain. Forgive me if it is obvious to you - it was not to me.
• man, you are on the wrong end of that rope. You NEED to read this.
• I'm pretty sure anonymous is familiar with masturbation, given that he (?) has also had sex with women. In my experience, a year of masturbation as your only sexual outlet versus a year of even sporadic, casual (i.e., no love or strings) sex is a metric fuckton of difference. Throttling the vicar may be a good way to de-hornify, but there are certain psychological (and physiological, I'd be willing to bet) benefits to sex that masturbation just ain't got. Whether this is self-imposed celibacy or forced by circumstances beyond your control probably makes a world of difference, especially if even masturbation isn't (for whatever reason) an option. As your AnonGeorge poster, I'm not going to try to tease more details out of you, but the best solution probably depends in large part on your own specific situation. That said, I'd recommend work as part of the solution. First, a rigorous exercise program (some good cardio training like running or swimming or cycling) to give you a physical outlet. Then I'd say find a good hobby, something to do with your hands, even fixer projects around the house, something you enjoy that requires concentration. Clean your home, down to the dust on the baseboards and the scum under the fridge. By some tools and make stuff with them, whatever. In addition, anon, you might consider counseling to help you deal with life without sex. I agree with those who suspect that there are deeper psychological issues at stake here than your prodigious appetite, and exploring those in counseling sessions might do you a world of good.
• warwaw, no no no! Well, yes, but not KY. It is the devil. You want ID Glide. It is the best, hands down. Water soluble, non-alergenic, dries clean, and won´t react with latex. ID Glide is your best friend. Other than that, I agree with you completely. As someone who has had his fair share of dry spells, I find it is the closeness that is brought on by the physical intimacy that I miss most. Getting my rocks off is only a small part of it. I got through my troubled times by having a number of close female friends I could be near, have fun with, get a hug from. It´s not perfect, but it helps. Of course, being in a Theatre Department at university helped with that a lot. Hang in there, man. We´re all pulling for you. So to speak.
• What MCT said.
• I spent a good part of my early 20's as a fish out of water (so to speak.) My bad luck mostly was the result of my insecurity and lack of self-identity, not the other way around. I mostly dealt with it by 1)going slightly insane 2)the waraw method 3)becoming immersed in projects/studies/quests 4)going slightly more insane 5)discovering more about myself through the projects/studies/quests 6)eventually falling in love and having it reciprocated In other words, you might feel a litlle crazy and you might feel like exploding. But keeping going along and continue living life (sex is only a small portion of life) and eventually it will change. pretty lame, I know.
• "The CIA thought they could jerk him around." "They were wrong." (Cover blurb from Robert Ludlum's "The Waraw Method.")
• Join the Catholic church.
• This new Anonymous George thing is AWESOME
• On a similar note,, Are there any single girls here that would be interested in a wild night of monkey sex? Email please
• I get a whole lotta skin hunger in my line of work; people liked to be touched, period. Touching the naughty bits is fabulous but you'll more likely explode from the lack of a certain amount of skin on skin than from not getting your rocks off. I once had a client in his seventies who, after the deed, said; "My wife died three years ago, and no-one's touched me since until today. Thank you. Now I feel like I exist again". I am the QUEEN of professional post-nookie back tickles. I swear, I could probably make a good living from those alone. I feel it's a job well done when my client is too jellyfish-like to even speak like a human let alone move when I swoop off into the night and back to the batcave.
• Harry Harlow, monkeys, and love.
• Maybe having a pet would be a good substitute. Something that needs you, needs to be cared for and will give you nothing but love and loyalty. When I say "substitute" I mean for cuddly comfort--NOT for anything else.
• ID isn't the only good lube going. My favorites generally come from these two companies: Eros (Pjur) Wet A couple places that I've shopped for such items at: Babeland Early to Bed
• Not knowing your age, hard to say what might be going on. It's fairly common for adolescents/young men to experience these feelings. In which case, mct's advice is excellent, and may well suffice. And cold showers/baths and even swimming may cool things down a notch or two. Otherwise, consulting a physician -- and making sure ye don't have some underlying physical cause since this seems to be an acute and persistent problem for you would be advisable. Having cleared that hurdle, then the next area to get checked out would be your mind -- by a trained psychatrist as opposed to the unspecified counsellor.
• I agree with the displacement theory of physical closeness. I've had dogs I could idly pet any old time, and a young niece and nephew to set on my lap and read to. Luckily I have a low sex drive, probably lower than it should be (partly indirectly due to severe psoriasis). Celibacy has been my choice for most of the past several years. But I've used these conditions to get to know my own responses, and refine or expand them. It doesn't take much - for me, it's mostly written smut, some of which I write myself, and an experiment on how long I can keep coming. [As a female, that last option is more open to me than to your average fella, but it's a nice thing to strive for.] My record is five hours of every-few-minutes orgasm, which for a woman who didn't learn to come until her late twenties, is amazing. My body always surprises me, for good or bad.
• Someone needs to learn to knit.
• 1. regular exercise. 2. smoking a little grass might do the trick. 3. video games? 4. musical instruments, wood whittling, painting, pottery, etc are not only wonderful creative outlets, but they will keep your hands and mind too busy for the wicked practice of onanism. idle hands, and all that jazz. IANAD/YMMV
• well, i'm moving across the country in a week and i figure hopping into bed with the first man who'll have me is probably a bad idea (although...) so...same boat. i have better sex with myself than i do with most casual partners, so it's not so much that (for me) as the skin contact and the loneliness. so building up a support network is my first plan...and also, taking advantage of the things i can do when i'm single that i can't do when i'm not. taking up the whole bed when i sleep...snoring...not bothering to shave my legs...that kind of thing.
• alternatively, get one of these.
• I'm not sure if anonymous' plight has been well understood - he says that after some 'professional help' he was able to get along and be relieved, de-stressed, but that is no longer available? The help (counseling, medication?), or the casual contact with others? Maybe I'm reading more into it, but it sounds like the urge is just too strong and distracting that something drastic is the only way to contain it. If that's the point, the advice of physical exertion and a strict mind regime of occupations sounds like the best bet. Or perhpas it's the external stimuly what's not helping? Can't help but lose concentration fue to any beautiful human being around? Wha about some change in work routines, location? No, people don't explode for lack of sex, but it can feel worse than that. And yes, it's just that basic need for human contact, the most basic form of communication, what cranks up the 'simple' sexual relief of self-love to the mind-blowing, brain-shattering experience of actual sex. Ah, the vicious circle... No sex, no confidence, no sex. Sometimes luck helps. But it *always* needs a lot of help from ourselves.
• I'll meet you at First and Broadway, thursday
• Only Jesus can help you, sinner.
• A man with a strong sex drive can't be "comfortable" without sex.
• My record is five hours of every-few-minutes orgasm /cries
• Yeah, I'm baffled. As a complete and permanent celibate - and girls who like boys have no options in the professional dept., either - I'm like "Uh...again, learn to knit?" It may suck a bit, but don't you have anything else to occupy your mind? Anything? Write a symphony, climb a mountain, something? Sublimate, dude. Sublimate. You'll still sigh now and then, but you won't die. Trust me. You won't die.
• Why don't you develop an intricate and highly fetishised wanking regime? Then, should you ever break the dry spell, you will find normal sex lacking that certain something (gas masks, disco lights, whatever), and will happily go back to the five finger shuffle.
• Oh, and hello wurwilf!
• I agree with those who have suggested that the person who asked this question should go fuck himself.
• I wish I could help. My husband isn't interested in sex. I haven't had any in years.
• I'll meet you at First and Broadway, Abby
• I've been waiting here 20 minutes already. Where are you?
• After 4 years between drinks myself, I find the craving for emotional and intellectual intimacy to be far stronger than the need for the physical act. I find the physical urge to be more of a symtom of the emotional need, than a need unto itself. Jerking off can only slightly relieve the physical need, it does nothing for the mind. Which, when lacking, hurts the most. Having been starved of any form of intimacy for so long, the affects on the mind are astounding, and not at all positive (in my experience). If simply paying for sex, or jerking off, solved the problem, I would be a much happier (if poorer) person. Getting a hobby only helps so much. Going to a physcologist/psychiatrist only resulted in a perscription for anti-depressants. Which does nothing to solve the actual problem. And introduces a few more. After trying many other things to see if I could get by without a partner, I came *cough* to the conclusion that the only quality solution was to get a girlfriend. That is proving harder than I first thought. What has any of this got to do with the question? Screw this, I'm gonna go warm up the lube.
• Is there a First and B'Way? I thought First started on Lafayette? *goes off to do own research on Google maps, as form of own sublimation*
• Aah -- the Bowery, not Lafayette. My mistake. [...] What were we talking about again?
• Thanks for your replies. So to summarize: 1. Masturbate with engine oil 2. Become a pimp 3. Get into animals Seriously some interesting stuff. I should clarify that I meant Moneyjane's type of professional assistance. Although I have also seen a counselor. The counseling worked much better combined with the other consultations. I am open to the idea that a need for intimacy can come into it, but I think sometimes you just need sex. What MCT said applies - a few times a year is miles away from nothing. I'm not the kind of guy that needs to score all the time, so I can tell the difference between times when I can take matters into my own hands and when that no longer does the job. The question of temptation is interesting - can men achieve a different state of mind if they separate themselves from women or even everyone like an early explorer? Although the history of self denial has got a few failures - prisons, the navy, victorian gentlemen etc. I guess I'll just have to see how it works out. I've got some ice cubes in the bath, and an catering size tub of margarine. See you in the asylum!
• Sham marriages...masturbation...I can't wait for the next Anonymous George!
• Unfortunately, this option will no longer be available to me. Can you elaborate a bit more? Has money become an issue? Are you moving to a secluded island? Are you under surveillance? Since you said unfortunately, it leads me to believe that you are happy with the current arrangement. And yeah, this anonymous george service has opened new doors...
• Anonymous George: I've killed, and I may kill again! Which is more difficult to find, bodies weighted and thrown in the river, or bodies buried in the woods? I -- oh shit I posted it wrong
• 
• Where's the "undo" button on this thing?
• IANACSI, but I'd say the river. No scent for the dogs to pick up, more difficult to actually search for. However, there is the possibility of bloating, followed by a loosening of chunks. Chunks may float, may be caught on some guy's lure, who knows? Burying in the woods is easier to track down, easier to dig up, but the corpse is more likely to remain in one piece. So yeah, definitely the river -- if those are your only options (I assume you can't boil them into candle wax or anything). Remember to cut some holes in the sack so it sinks quicker.
• No form of intimacy? At all? Don't you have friends? No girlfriend != socially isolated. So... sex is covered by Mr. Righty and Lady Internet. Social interaction is not a problem (otherwise, make it not a problem. If you can't interact platonically with men and women, there is a problem). Where... exactly is the problem at that point? You don't get sweet nothings and footrubs, but I don't think you're going to have pain in the very depths of your mortal soul over that unless there are other preexisting problems. I feel kind of regretful at times, myself, but generally only when I am unhappy with the rest of my life. Also, not to armchair-analyze too much, but the choice of "edgy around women" (all of them? you saw all of them as sex objects? Whew...) and "fairer sex" make me kind of wonder how socially adept you really are. I'd say therapy. If only to say "I'm unhappy being single. How can I be happier?" Because if nothing else, if you're genuinely happy being single and being coupled is a lovely lovely bonus to that, it is muuuuch more attractive to women than some guy who wallows around helplessly self-loathing until he gets laid. Trust me on that.
• I second what Wurwilf said. (Hi, Wurwilf!) The women I know, including me, want to have sex with someone who wants to have sex with us, specifically. We want the vibe of "I want YOU! Because of the hawtness!", not the vibe of "I'm so damn desperate! You'll do!" (Men may have a similar feeling, since I never get any when I'm feeling lost in the wilderness -- but men come running when I'm feeling all "tra-la-la, I'm pretty darn happy with my life right now.")
• if you're genuinely happy being single and being coupled is a lovely lovely bonus to that, it is muuuuch more attractive to women than some guy who wallows around helplessly self-loathing until he gets laid Amen to that, sister.
• *marvels at the line stretching down First and Broadway*
• Hi! And well said. There's a stereotype of "man-hungry" out there, meaning a too-desperate woman, but oddly we don't have a word like "woman-hungry" for a too-desperate man. It does work both ways, in my opinion. "Gotta get a girlfriend now now now" sounds a lot like "Gotta get a husband now now now." Neither is very effective or healthy. Be happy, and getting laid won't be the be-all end-all of everything in your life anymore. I believe that.
• we don't have a word like "woman-hungry" for a too-desperate man Horn-dog.
• Isn't that the term for one impaled by a popsicle stick and rolled in cornmeal?
• Monkeyfilter: I'll meet you at First and Broadway And I'll second that: sometimes it's the quiet talk after the deed what one seeks, what one's hungry for. Or just a casual hand rub, a hand on a shoulder, a finger touching your nose... no need to get farther, those points of impact sometimes ingrain themselves deeper than a desperate mockery of lovemaking. /writes down on shopping list: ice cube bag.
• I think some of you have misunderstood. I don’t have a desperate attitude towards meeting women, and have turned down chances over the last couple of years because the situation wasn’t right. I’m happy to be single until I meet the right person. I have fulfilling interests and don’t wallow in self loathing etc. Masturbation != sex for some people. I suppose if you’re not one of them, it might be hard to understand, but it is a genuine need rather than something you can just choose to put aside. The feelings of edginess around women etc. are more like symptoms that come on than personality problems. I think intimacy and loneliness come into it, but sex drive itself is a major part. It is for financial reasons that I can no longer see escorts. Paid sex can’t replace finding a partner or casual relationships, but it does a lot for my wellbeing in the meantime, and puts me in a better state of mind for meeting women. I don’t want to impose on MCT so can’t reply much more – perhaps there is no ideal solution at the moment, but thanks for the thoughts.
• What about one of those cuddle parties all the kids seem to be doing?
• Okay, how about no-strings-attached hookups if you believe you're too good to wank? Those exist, so I've heard.
• And there's always First and Broadway.
• I gotta admit, I'm not clear on what your problem is, simian xy. You seem to want to fuck the ladies without getting to know them, but can't afford to pay for the service. If that's the case, go to adult friend finder or some purely hookup site like that. Or go to the sorts of bars that are hookup central. But is that really what you are asking here?
• And could this please be clarified? various things make it hard to find casual partners -- this covers everything from leprosy to halitosis to hatred of homo sapiens in general.
• we don't have a word like "woman-hungry" for a too-desperate man Honest man.
• I'm guessing he's ugly, waraw. Everyone who's not can find something. mandyman, don't you understand? (dude, that rhymes) His cock is SO MIGHTY and INSATIABLE that it will DESTROY HIM if he does not obey its mighty whim. No, no, listen, his MIGHTY MANMEAT is THAT MIGHTY. There is simply NO RELIEF for a keeper of a wang so wonderful. Nowhere in the world. *gasp* We should all be grateful it hasn't destroyed us all. Really. It's that mighty. Don't try to give him suggestions - his cock simply shall not be appeased, and that's that. One wonders why he even asked, but then, such is the woeful burden carried by those with SUCH PULSATING TOWERS OF AWESOME POWER. So it's like that. (I enjoy making fun of people who claim that it's impossible to do something that I do every day and will do for the rest of my life. Because they are silly. That's all.)
• I share mandyman's confusion. Is it that our Anonymous Monkey Friend wants no-strings sex, but can no longer afford to pay for professionals, or is it that rather than simply paying for professionals for the foreseeable future, he wants to master his reptilian brain in a superego-conquers-id kind of way?
• What mandyman said. And: The Internet is a beautiful place, and it's very possible to meet potential partners on it... particularly if you can express yourself well in writing, which doesn't seem to be a problem for you.
• I think he wants to get laid on regular basis, but since he can't, he wants to not want to get laid. I think he wants to know if it's possible to be happy doing without something your body and mind crave almost constantly. Sort of like giving up drinking or smoking. And the answer is yes, with a lot of hard work. It's all in your head. No, not that head.
• (Just in case this is helpful to anyone: menssom)
• Possibly above link NSFW cause you'd get some raised eyebrows
• Maybe taking up some form of meditation might work, given what Koko said. Yoga, or Tai Ch'i or whatever it's called.
• Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is. Having gone through some extended droughts myself (shocking, I know), it's only the first month of withdrawal that's tough, with a little hiccup after two-three months, and then you're just coasting. Once you're completely out of the routine, you don't think about it much anymore, except as an abstract possibility of it happening again sometime somehow. It's not until you actually get back in the sack that you realize "Holee Cow, have I missed this..." The first drought is rough, I'll admit, what with all the questioning of your own self-worth. But once you've done it already, it's really not that big a deal.
• There's always this. See, I can be helpful!
• Dear monkeys, I owe you an apology. It seems that in my instructions above (see comment #1) I neglected to include the ABSOLUTELY CRUCIAL sixth step. Step 6: CLEAN UP AFTER YOURSELF! Wash your hands (and if necessary your penis) with soap and water, then towel off. It has come to my attention that numerous monkeys have been wiping their hands on their pants, flinging jizz at car windows, or just letting it to dry as they walk out into the world, leaving little gifts for all. I have only myself to blame. I must have been distracted that day. My sincerest apologies.
• Simian, have you thought about going into Moneyjane's line of work? Sounds like it might be the perfect solution for you!
• /unlurk I am celibate, and I have been so for many years. The first thing I'll say right off: It's not going to kill you, or even hurt you. It is a lifestyle constraint like vegetarianism or not owning a car, like eschewing alcohol or not seducing your students. It has certain challenges, true, but then so does vegetarianism when you're craving fried pork chops. So how do you stop thinking about how good pork chops taste? I can smell one frying right now.... I see from your question that you recognize the mental nature of the challenge. How can you retain concentration? How can you remain confident and positive? It is a mental challenge. Anything that buttresses your spirit will help. Address the needs of the body. Think of your urge for release as a physical requirement for well-being, much like flossing or showering. Go ahead and relieve yourself daily, without judgement - just take care of it and move on. Proper nutrition and regular exercise, too, will make your body stronger, and within that stronger body you will find a more resilient will. Mens sana in corpore sano. More there in a moment. You do have a need to be touched that is probably equal to your sex drive. Satisfying this can be awkward if you're really hung up about not getting any, but hugging a dog, petting a cat, or grooming a horse can provide some of that comforting mammal-mammal contact. If you desire a massage but fear embarrassment from the gallant reflex, masturbate to exhaustion prior to the encounter. Or receive massages only from a male therapist (assuming that you're male and heterosexual - adjust accordingly if otherwise). It will become less awkward over time as you strengthen and your coping skills grow. Speaking generically about coping, talking can be a great way to borrow others' strength and vent your own feelings. (Didn't work for me, but I'm special.) Counseling is only as good as the particular therapist-client chemistry makes it - feel free to discard as many therapists as you like until you find a combination that makes you comfortable. It might work for you, and it might not. Despite the example of religious asceticism, I didn't find stationary meditation helpful. Exercise-based meditation can be very helpful, flooding your brain with signals to wash away that lingering unfucked feeling. Either can lead to a mastery that will strengthen your will over this temporary affliction of your body. Because you want to be strong enough to be able to stand outself of yourself when you're feeling particularly unfucked. While lust assails the body, you calmly observe. Or at least you deal, and quickly recover. The strongest challenge that you face is social. You are surrounded by a sexual society - will you let it make you feel worse about yourself? How many times will it remind you of what you are missing? Will this weaken you? Eventually you will ride this sexual tension as if you were on a surfboard. While you're learning, though, you may need to temper your experiences. Are there awkward situations that you'd do well to avoid? Stimuli that make you miserable? Study your own feelings. It all gets easier with time. Not only does your will strengthen with practice, but as you age, your body becomes less insistent. Hopefully however you won't have to remain on this ride for too long. Finally, since you don't really have to be celibate, perhaps you could visit a professional once a year. On your birthday. Can you save enough over a year to afford a single session? Might make a big difference if you could look forward to that annual special treat pork chop. (Or it might undo all of the will strengthening that is the core of my own discipline. I don't know.) Isn't the Net marvelous? I hope you can extract something of value from this ramble. Luck to you.
• Welcome, Lurky McLurkerton, the Midnight Lurker What Lurks at Midnight! Keep unlurking!
• Yeah, welcome, and give us a kiss...
• Awesome. Well said. It's not often that you see any discussion of this stuff that isn't wrapped in religious hysteria, so that's just awesome. It gets the word "awesome" twice, seriously. The beginning made me laugh. I also don't own a car and rarely eat meat or drink, so if I'm not dead yet, you sure as hell won't be.
• GALAHAD: Three, sir.
• Well now, if an Anonymous George post managed to bring a lurker out (/unlurk, what a great first post!), then I say, bring 'em on!
• Yeah. We need more unlurkers. I tire of ribbing the same old chaps every day. Show yourselves!!!
• Do sock puppets count?
• I tire of rubbing the same old chaps every day. Show yourselves!!! posted by kitfisto at 04:45PM UTC on September 29, 2005 Indeed?
• I think there is a big difference between being celibate and being sexually unfulfilled. Simian XY seems to be describing the latter. I haven't been with anyone in years, myself; and I'm absolutely at peace with that because it is my ongoing choice. Simian's not-getting-any status is causing him great angst, I think partly because it is beyond his control. Despite all the good advice here, it seems to me a monumental task to realign one's approach to sexuality against one's will. But enough sideline musing from me. Simian XY, I wish you good luck, and I hope things work out for you.
• I may be totally misunderstanding, but I think Simian XY is Samaurai Cat. On another matter, to be perfectly clear - I want sex and I want it right now. Capiche? Hey you - c'mere
• Mmmm, pork chops.
• We had pork tenderloin last night.
• I bet you did!
• Mmmm, plo chops.
• petebest, I think you've got it wrong. Samurai Cat unlurked, not unmasked. The content of their respective messages also reveals widely varied attitudes towards "getting some".
• The pork tenderloin was skewered.
• Homer: Wait a minute wait a minute wait a minute. Lisa honey, are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon? Lisa: No. Homer: Ham? Lisa: No. Homer: Pork chops? Lisa: Dad! Those all come from the same animal! Homer: [Chuckles] Yeah, right Lisa. A wonderful, magical animal.
• Heh-heh. We said "pork."
• There were water chestnuts involved.
• chest nuts
• Oh. Okay then. Carry on.
• Right now I'm snacking on a giant muffin.
• Muffin muncher! GrrRRRRrrr!
• /blank look
• You should never say such things in this place. People will think you play golf.
• Just telling people about what I've been putting in my mouth lately. I don't see what the problem is.
• Exactly the way I felt when people got all bent out of shape when I started talking about all the neato stuff I've got jammed up my ass. (Zanshin, are you warm enough in there? There's a draft, I know.) WE'RE ALL ADULTS, HERE, PEOPLE!! YOU NEED TO FUCKING RELAX!!!!
• *stops mid-chew, pauses, changes chanel*
• Um, that's channel . .not . .uh the parfum
• you guys are the worst. Sex is at best shameful, sloppy, and fungible.
• --and isn't what that naughty IRC is for? (on my way)
• Who's talking about sex??
• *sniffs pete's parfum* Definitely not Chanel. More like taco sauce.
• did I hear a *squeee*? Maybe not. But let's lock Pete_best in a room alone anyway. Take out all the fruit and anything made of rubber.
• See, I'm right behind you!
• I was talking about food. Get your mind out of the gutter, cynnbad.
• Heh. You said "mind".
• Oh wait that's not sexy at all
• Fucking brainiacs.
• Heh. I said "fucking".
• *seeks relief of unbearable urge to administer wedgie*
• It's all in your mind, fish tick. I MEAN, your head. NO! *blush*
• Cheeky!
• Bacon tastes goood. Pork chops taste goood.
• GramMa! Quidnunc's playing with himself again!
• My eyes!!! Gaaaah!!!
• heh heh, cheeks...
• cheeky monkey.
• But how does the concept of pork products relate to the SEX? You've proven my point. It's all about the Piggly Jiggly. Now go do something barren and useful.
• Dear Petebest: Quidnunc's got to play with himself. No one else wants to, and we can't afford the pork chops to tie around his neck so the dog will play with him. If it upsets you, don't watch.
• Meh - okay then. think about baseball, think about baseball, think about baseball . . .
• Along the lines of the massage suggestion made above, maybe cuddle parties are an option for anonymous. I thought they were a female-only thing, but no, there are guys who go too.
• I've been to cuddle parties, but we just called them the couch in the Theatre Department. And they're a GREAT way to deal with unbearable urges. Having a grip of female friends willing to cuddle got me through a lot of lonely nights.
• You said "grip."
• Never been to a cuddle party, and fear primal urges would be too overwhelming to make it a relaxing event. It is counterproductive that I love pajamas, so... However, simpler stuff like just holding hands during a movie or rubbing shoulders at a café with a friend can be quite steam-releasing. Sometimes.
• Your name is "pole."
• And you're called Weez! /sticks out tongue, runs and hides behind tree
• k-i-s-s-i-n-g!
• maybe this is the solution; a combined hidden yet obvious and obvious yet secretive agenda.
• You said "genda."
• ...your point?
• I don't want to hear that word "point." We all know what you meant by it. You just keep that "point" to yourself, young man. There's no need to take your "point" out and wave it around all over the place. A gentleman knows that there's a time and a place for him to make a "point."
• Just have a wank, for God's sake, you bunch of stalker pre-verts!!!
• You said "have."
• billy connolly has a suggestion about lying on your arm until it goes numb, then masturbating. this way it feels like someone else is doing it...
• I had a dream about being naked in a laundromat and now I wonder if I'm in the right thread.
• Ah yes, "The Stranger." Always a classic. Of course, when you're arm is completely numb, you can't really get a good grip. Or so I assume...
• Good evening, Ladies and Gentlemen. Here's a little number I tossed off recently in the Caribbean.. Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis? Isn't it frightfully good to have a dong? It's swell to have a stiffy It's divine to own a dick From the tiniest little tadger To the world's biggest prick! So three cheers for your Willy or John Thomas Hooray for your one-eyed trouser snake Your piece of pork Your wife's best friend Your Percy or your cock You can wrap it up in ribbons You can slip it in your sock But don't take it out in public Or they will stick you in the dock And you won't a-come a-back! Oh, thank you very much...
• Great site, petebest! It's also a pressing matter at this time to remind Simian XY that: Every sperm is sacred Every sperm is great If a sperm is wasted God gets quite irate.
• I think that might just fall on stony ground around here...
• Little drops of semen as someone close at hand makes a mighty ocean and more noise than a brass band Hear the creaking of the bedstead hear the groans from just upstairs and the servants who stand smirking don't believe he's at his prayers
• So the maid, the butler, the cook Snuck up to take a peek Taking off their shoes Else the floorboards they would creak And what did they see When they got to the top of the stairs The master of the house Mastrubating in a chair
• /hums along
• I surely do hope that Simian XY stuck around this post long enough to realize that the sexual drive is often sublimated and relieved by acting like a silly git. *goes to get mop*
• You said "stuck."
• Yea, what of it? It's not like I said, "You stuck."
• You said "it."
• You said 'said'. Pffft
• You pfftteded.
• Sorry. *Wipes up*
• Thank you.
• SO, how about that local sports team?
• They suck.
• They pfftteded.
• So does your favorite band, Koko
• Dexy's Midnight Runners does not suck!! You take that back!!!
• You said "id."
• What I love about MoFi is how it brings out the best in me and others.
• The absolute best.
• /pops head out of Hawthorne's ass Can't you people keep it quiet? I'm trying to wank in here! /slams door shut damn drafty ass
• /knocks on Hawthorne's ass Excuse me, this is the building inspector. We've gotten reports of illegal squatting going on here. Hey, that poo almost hit me!
• So when Hawthorne squats on the 'loo, he needs a permit..? Oh, wait, got it.
• Oh sure, make Hawthorne the butt of your jokes. Hey you assed for it!
• *rimshot*
• /tries to come up with a joke about Hawthorne's rim, decides againt it
• against it. against. it. against.
• What, is there an echo in there?
• Knock knock
• /grimaces, then goes for the bait Who's there?
• Simian XY, is that you??
• If he makes that stick, he'll instantly get into my Hall of Heroes
• The interrupting cow.
• Mooooo!
• okay it works better in real life, but for some reason I continue to find it funny
• wait for thursday fro when she travels. Then, eat the guinea pigs. Sex problems will solve themselves.
• I mean, the guinea pigs are healers!
• Check this, you cuddle-couch frottage freaks! (yes, I mean you Weezel!) You. Make. Me. SICK!
• This thread is going nowhere. Fast.
• Your friend says: "I'm hosting a cuddle party. Will you come?" And then, when I do, they get all fizzy and disgusted and some shout and some laugh and others wanted to punch me in the face and they threw me out the street... some sensitive, touchy-feely bunch, yeah, sure... sorry it's friday you know
• Those cuddle parties remind me of the person in any cocktail party who leans too close to you when talking, and who within five minutes of introduction has already described himself as an "adult child of alcoholic parents," eyes gleaming with the joy of imparting too much information too quickly.

  Wouldn't it be nice to have a party with couples that are friendly and mellow? A low-key atmosphere where you can explore your most sensual fantasies with other aware sensitive couples? Where you can bring someone you care about without embarrassment? Privacy, good food and music, refreshments, cleanliness, and a super jacuzzi too... that's what parties at the A-Frame are all about.

  See you there!
• Kitfisto, there's a spot open for yoouuu... /pats couch, flutters eyelashes
• Weezel: be careful! You don't know where he's been!
• You perks know how to make your type small and all, and I don't. So eff-yew.
• Sorry, I meant perps. Or maybe serbs. Could be clerks.
• CYNNBAD WISHES TO RETRACT THE E-MAIL I HAVE JUST SENT TO EVERYONE IN THE UNIVERSE BECAUSE I AM SO STUPID I REFLEXIVELY HIT THE "REPLY TO ALL" BUTTON AND THEREFORE CAUSE AN INTERNATIONAL INCIDENT BECAUSE I THINK THAT JUST "RETRACTING" AN E-MAIL WILL MAKE IT DISAPPEAR Sorry, it happened at work today.
• PLUS, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO SIDE DISH, THE NICE JOURNALIST LADY WHO WAS HERE AND IS NO MORE!! WHAT DID YOU DO WITH HER, AND WHY???
• Last I heard, she went to interview Simian XY.
• On 'the couch'.
• Nope, haven't seen her. At least not on my couch.
• Your couch is so full of 'tiny little maps of the Philpines' I'm suprised you can find loose change, never mind missing monkeys! You filthy beast!
• Hey, they're nice!.
• You people are evil incarnate.
• It's fixing to snow here. Should I unload horrific tales of my sexual quandaries, or should I get my own blog? Please to help me. Or, tell me, because I love this stuff :)
• *sticks fingers in ears* lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala I can't HEAR you!
• *Draws Gram'ma a picture*
• *finds "map" of Idaho on couch, points its out excitedly*
• *bursts out in loud guffaws, at the mention of 'map of I-da-Ho'
• Would that be a private Idaho? If so, I'm in!
• Flagpole, I'll tell you what I tell everyone who makes the "I-da-Ho" joke: We thought of that in second grade. Second. Grade. hey, more echo!
• Well, you, you... smell like monkey poo! /waggles tongue, runs away
• /touches a girl, chases Flagpole around with cootie-infested hand