April 02, 2005

• I work with a database in which I must enter in and look at a lot of names every day. And every time I see the name Cecilia (more common than you might think), that damn Simon and Garfunkel song gets looped in my head until I want to kill and kill again. Aaaaaand, there it is. Dammit!
• I'm pretty sure it's just you Secretly: oranges. ORANGES ORANGES ORANGES. I don't know why.
• For me it's seeing "1:23" on a digital clock. I've got to count, "1,2,3" before it hits "1:24" or else...well, or else nothing, really. It's just a thing. I'm not crazy or anything. 1,2,3...1,2,3...1,2,
• Every time I hear the word 'lost' I'm thinking, 'the game'.
• Moneyjane, I have the same "Rectum... damn near killed 'em" response. What's sadder still is that I can't remember the joke that started it.
• rectum,exit only!
• Every time I hear the morning radio or morning tv say "up next, traffic and weather" I have to say "traffic and weather together" which is the tag one station used to say. However, to make it worse I usually actually say, "traffic and weather together now you know you got trouble" which combines the Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg line, "Long Beach and Compton together now you know you got trouble." Also whenever the Target stores have a commercial or I go by one I have an uncontrolable urge to point at the logo and go "bang" because me and my college roomate used to see who could "shoot the Target" first. I also tend to put "That's what she said" at the end of nearly everything anyone says that might be interpreted even a little sexually.
• For me it's always songs. Kind of like kittenhead's Cecilia, but add Angie, Michelle, Julia, Alison, Gloria, Claire, Lola, Veronica, and of course, Roxanne.
• This is sortasimilar to what you asked, but every time I hear Lakshmi Singh signing off an NPR story I always think she is saying "watch me sing!" even though I know better. I was relieved when my wife admitted she did the same thing. Also the way that Sylvia Poggioli says her name unduly irritates me for some reason. Everytime I hear her ,I imitate her in an exaggerated fashion like "I'm Sylvia Pojo-o-o-o-o-o-li reporting from Rome. Question: Am I a danger to myself or others?
• from lord of the rings: share the loooooad when samwise is offering to help frodo SHARE THE LOAAAD
• Yesterday I misheard the "Paramatta Eels" as the "Paramatta Eeyores".
• that sounds like dialogue fom this movie i just downloaded...
• I also cannot spell Parramatta. This is partly because I never want to go there.
• ActuallySettle: Could you be thinking about these oranges? Everytime someones tells me, "(Name of someone I have never heard of) is dead" I have to fight the urge to say "Dead!!! I didn't even know he was sick." Another was when we would be at the mall when we were kids at we noticed we were walking by the Gap, one of us would start "falling" in the stores direction exclaiming, "Help me! I'm falling into the Gap"
• One I inherited from my mother, who in turn inherited it from her mother... "'Tis fine wine, Mrs. Whitney" said with a British upper class accent everytime anyone compliments a beverage. Apparently it was the punchline to a joke at one time, but the joke was forgotten 50 years ago and the phrase is still repeated in our family. Weird.
• "Liquor?!? I don't even know 'er!"
• Every time I hear or see the name of that beautiful Italian actress*, I hear David Letterman introducing her: EEES a BELLA ROOS a LE NE *Isabella Rossellini Everytime somebody mentions THE lunchmeat, I have to sing the song: cause Oscar Meyer has a way with B A L O G N A! And everytime someone says "Monkey" I think filter
• I have the same problem with rectum (yes, it's true), and also jccalhoun's "That's what she said" comment, or adding "...in bed!" to random statements when I'm in a particularly idiotic mood. If someone says, "Come on!" I have to continue in my head with "...feel the noise." Songs are a pain.
• Heh...Public Enemy's "Fight the Power" has a line that somehow evolved into; Elvis, was a hero to most But he was a racist - and he liked french toast. It doesn't even sound like that in the song, but somehow that got in my brain and the ridiculousness of Chuck D. being steamed about french toast cracks me up.
• Maria, for the song reasons. That's what happens when you do tech for a production of the Sound of Music. Also, if the word 'Fame' is used in isolation that damn song pops into my head, too, which wouldn't be as bad if I could remember past the first lines.
• I do not doubt that I would like jccalhoun and tracicle in person, but I have a general dislike for people who add "that's what he/she said" to sentences. And Elvis never meant shit to me.
• One word nails me every time, and has since 1979: identity, which I can only heard in my head being screamed by Poly Styrene. That word may not come up in conversation all that much for most, but when I was an officer, I probably heard it 25 times per day. I'm glad I like the song.
• Oh, I forgot the time when my prom date RUINED the fantastic song by Richard Marx "Hold on to the Night" by changing the lyrics from: Hold on to the nights Hold on to the memories to Hold on the the nights Hold on to the mammories Runied I tell you!!!
• You wanna hear a song ruining moment for me, albeit a hilarious one? My friend Ben made up new lyrics for REM's "Losing My Religion" that changed part of the chorus to, "That's me in the tube socks, losing my erection." Whenever I hear that song now, that's all I can sing and I laugh hysterically every time.
• I do the same with rectum, but also with words that vaguely, loosely, sound kinda like rectum. Like if I said to someone "What did you do with those seeds?" and they said "I planted them." I have to respond with "Planted them?! Damn near killed him!" This is how bad it is: At my old work, we sold sphagnum moss. I every time I pass a bag of it, I have to say "Sphagnum moss?! Damn near killed him moss!" I just have to do it.
• Oh, there's also: After hearing "Here I go", I have to say "again on my own." After hearing "I can do it", I have say "I can do it nine times."
• And Elvis never meant shit to me. Fuck him and James Dean!
• Oops.... I did it again. Saturday night...'s alright for fighting. Shit like that.
• "Now I know" triggers: "And knowing is half the battle...Go Joe!" Also, courtesy of my parents, "I see" triggers "said the blind man, as he picked up his hammer and saw".
• There was this big old factory on Pulaski avenue called The Waldorf Corporation (I think they made cardboard boxes). It was a massive building with hundreds of workers. The large sign outside just said Waldorf. We would pass by it on our way downtown. As would drive by the factory, my girlfriend would always point and say "Just imagine, all those people making salads". Now everytime I hear the word waldorf that's what I hear.
• Every time I hear "MonkeyFilter", I think "Filter? Damn near killt 'er!"
• "Badges" (or even badgers) must necessarily be followed by "we don't need no stinking badges!"
• I've got your rectum right here -- in my pants. Also, I can't go anywhere near Sepulveda Boulevard in LA without saying "SuppleNipple Boulevard."
• Not quite what you're talking about, I guess, but Fleet Bank in Boston recently became Bank of America. Now whenever I go past one of their ATMs I get REM's "Exhuming McCarthy" stuck in my head. ["Loooyal to the Bank of America..."]
• A carryover from my childhood... Any hymn title (Amazing Grace, We Three Kings, O Come All Ye Faithful, Rock of Ages, How Great Thou Art) is tagged with 'under the sheets.' 25 years later, I still snicker my way through the holidays.
• Phenomenon...
• From the days of radio I am stuck with these: WEEEEEEEEEEEEElliam!... ...sit my self down and unlax!... ...return with us now to those thrilling days of yesteryear... Mr and Mrs America and all the ships at sea... Bobby Benson of the BEE-BAR-BEE!!!... ..Now, Charley, that wasn't very nice... Welll, King -- looks like this case is closed. [King:] ARF!!!... ...makers of Wheat Chex, Rice Chex, and good hot Ralston... Does your mothah know yer out tonight, Ceceilier? Does she know that I'm about ter steal yer?... Barnnnney Google, with the goo, goo, goo-gully eyes... carrots grow from carrot-seeds... Oh, you'll stop paying the elbow tax Once you start cleaning with Ajax! Ajax! [musical bubbles:]Boom-boom! The foaming cleanser! [musical bubbles:]Buh-buh-boom! Floats the dirt right down the drain! [musical bubble noises crescendo:] Bubba-bubba-bubba-boom! Floats the diiirt right down the draaain!... Could on for a long time but I will spare ye.
• Phenomenon du dooooooooo du dudu
• what really bugs me is going into a venue and hearing those same old tired hits of yesteryear. Had I known that I would be hearing the same crap over and over again well into my 40's I never would have liked that stuff when I was a teen. /grouchy old man
• Thankyou, Danger. I was hoping somebody would do that for me...
• "Badgers", or even "badges" must always be followed by "badgers badgers badgers MUSH-ROOM mushroom!"
• I've said Ticketbastard and BloodBath and Beyond for so long, that I have a hard time refering to them by their real names, even in polite conversation.
• (whispers)fecal,,hahaha, i love saying that word,,oops,nevermind
• kimdog: Same with me, but it's Best Look and Home Despot around here.
• Destruction ... Pure Energy
• These are the punchlines (without the jokes): No, and don't call me Shirley. Frog with no legs is deaf. "Would I? Would I?" "Hair lip! Hair lip!" Frog in a blender. Third one said "Ouch." There are more, but you can start by identifying those.
• I have to say "Kroger" Kay-Roger, "Home Depot" is Home DEE-pot, "Target" is Tar-zshay. I'm annoying :) I'm also bad about answering "My dad" to any question I don't know, and "Yr mom" at the end of any list. (To buy at the store... eggs, flour, bacon, yr mom....)
• Whenever I see an Oral B ad I'll always say "what about Anal A?". I've been doing this for years and don't know why. My roommate in college wrote on a random page of a textbook I was reading "Smoke dope. Butt fuck the pope." I think about that line every time I read or hear about the health deterioration of the pontiff. Thank you Ricky. I'm going to hell because of you. I have to say "Bed Bath and Beyond" as if it were a 50s science fiction movie... Bed... Bath and Beyooooond!" I will also do Butt-head's "he said..." whenever someone says something with even the remote innuendo. I also have a problem when introduced to someone named Dick. I want to giggle like a little kid. This usually happens at work and the person is older and it would be a career limiting move to laugh out loud. When someone will say something like "Dick called a meeting to discuss changes to the TPS reports". I'll say "She said dick. Hu huh huh" I keep waiting to grow out of this behavior but I don't think I will.
• "Badgers", or even "badges" "we don't need no stinking badges!" "badgers badgers badgers MUSH-ROOM mushroom!" Oh, YES, Cali, VeraGemini. and every time Mr. B says, "Who let the dogs out?" -- ya gotta know the response to that one. Thanks to Grandpa: Well, .... It's a deep subject. Well, well, well .... Three holes in the ground. Would you like some peas? Peas on earth. Lettuce? Lettuce, turnip, and roll over. and "bananas" I bought the wrong bananas I like da moon, but not as much as a spoon.
• Appended to any comment regarding lifestyle, ie someone says..."He's a big guy, he must eat quite a bit" I hear in my head (and if I don't catch myself, sometimes I say)"not that there's anything wrong with that" Thanks Jerry! And if anyone says that they needs more ....anything .... my head jumps in with ...cowbell... before they can finish. Then I'm stuck silently replaying the whole SNL cowbell sketch to myself. Curse you, Walken! and finally whenever someone knocks on the door in that familiar rhythm, I recite: shave and a haircut...two bits..
• Whenever a weatherman is announced as a meteorologist...I think meaty urologist.
• Duty or duties will usually cause both myself and my wife to revert back to middle school and laugh just a bit. Heh, duty. Anything that can even remotely be treated as a sexual innuendo is leapt upon. Lastly, I've made it policy to talk about my coworker's mom so much that pretty much most of our office does it now. Tony's mom, y'all.
• pianist... tee hee...
• For me it's Bad Breath and Beyond, Radio Snack, Home Despot, and now Food Mutant (thanks JC). Oh yes, and Hairy Peter instead of Harris Teeter. The kitchen store Lechters is now Letchers. If my shoes are particularly odorous at the end of the day, I can't help but sing Phoebe's "my stinky shoes" from the Friends ep where she had the flu and was singing in that deep sultry voice.
• Whenever someone says, "I don't want to work," I feel myself compelled to ask, "You just want to bang on the drum all day?"
• liquor in the front poker in the rear Also, countless words and phrases trigger song lyrics or commercial jingles. Happens to me a lot.
• #2 and I went to see Team America and now, anytime Matt Damon is mentioned, we simultaneously start laughing. Oh my god, we're so immature. And I'd completely forgotten about "phenomenon". The Muppet generation. When I hear "I see" my mind completes it with "...says the blind man" and when someone says "Every little bit counts" I have to add "...says the old man, peeing in the sea".
• Js - right there with you with "would I?", though my response if anyone says that is to shout "buck teeth"! I'd already be laughing from the joke, but the look on somebody's face after being randomly called a childish name by an adult sends me into giggle fits. Also, if somebody says "Two dollars", it's like anyone within earshot is obligated to say "I want my two dollars!" whether they know why or not (it's from the John Cusack movie "Better off Dead"). I seem to have gotten the "damn near killed 'em" and "I hardly know 'er" reflexes under control - it's a rare time I say them out loud, but I'm always thinking them. I could go on and on for days, but I think these are my two most giggle-inducing. This thread is lots of fun. :-)
• Conversation which is played out at least twice a day in our household: Me: Shall I put the kettle on? Danger: But it won't fit! It's gotten to the point where I can't even look at a damn kettle without thinking "But it won't fit!" The day he replies something different is the day I will know that he has been abducted by aliens and replaced with an impostor. Also, "I'm not!" "Are too!" "D2!" and "Jamaica?" "No, she went of her own accord." And I think I've picked up a few more reading this thread...
• I can't hear the name Mickey without hearing that old song in my head. My mother plays it once in a while and it drives me absolutely nuts. "Hey Mickey, you're so fine..."
• mothninja reports correctly as to the state of our household cliche. But ma belle sauvage misses out the second part of the conversation, which goes like this: Mothninja: Would you like a cup of tea? Me: No. Mothninja: Why? Me: Because it's dirty muck that lost us the empire. This, too, happens at least twice a day. Indeed, only a few minutes ago. (and tea is dirty muck that lost us the empire: it's true.)
• I forgot the skate rat classic; "Guess what?" "Chicken butt!" Also, "Not last night, but the night before" prompts the skip rhyme "64 robbers came knocking at my door". "What's the time" always gets "Time to get ill!" "Yoyo Ma" gets, "No, yo mama!" "What is it?" gets "What it iz, what it wuz, and what it shaaaaall be" said like Shaft. And for the longest time "You're crazy!" got "I'm crazy?! When I went to your schools, I went to your churches, I went to your institutional learning facilities?! Your're the one that's crazy!" as well as "Anybody want a Coke/beer/pretty much anything?" compelled one to say "All I wanted was a Pepsi...and she wouldn't give it to me!
• When anyone asked for something to drink I want to yell out "No pop foe you... YOU DRINK WADAAA!" or sing "There'll be plenty to eat, plenty to drink. Drink as much as you want but it'll come from the sink."
• maneyjane What's wrong? What's the matter with you? Don't tell me nothing, you're on drugs.
• oh god insert o . sheesh
• "slowly I turned, step by step, inch by inch... (from the old three stooges routines). the "rectum, heck practically killed him" thing that started this thread. "wait until they get a load of me" from nicholson's joker in one of the batman movies. there's more, I just can't think of them right now.
• Argh...then there's stuff from Repo Man, like "What do you wanna do?" demands "Let's go get sushi and not pay". Or "What are you getting at the store?" requires "5 pound blocks of cheese...bags of groceries" (Circle Jerks When the Shit Hits the Fan on the soundtrack). Plus there's (in answer to virtually anything) "I blame it all on society", which I think is Repo Man, but not sure.
• Argh, sometimes do you try to type things, and it just doesnt come out the way you want it? And you get real frustrated, and you try hard to type it, but it just doesnt work out?
• Yeah...squid's "slowly I turned..." is said in response to someone who mentions Niagara Falls....hardly anyone gets the joke, which makes it funny as hell to those who do.
• oh, "plate of shrimp" from repo man.
• and "hey you kids..." makes me think of "get out of that jello tree". Never heard of it before the internets, and now even though I only saw a quicktime of the commercial a couple of times, I think of it.
• I have a million, mainly from 'Waynes World and "Bill and Ted." any mention of vomiting = "if you have to spew, spew into this" [pick up small object] any mention of Deleware = "imagine being magically transported to Deleware. Hi... I'm in Deleware." Stairway to heaven = "No Stairway. Denied!" any mention of San Dimas, or situation where someone makes a poor speech = "Things are the same... but different... there are computers ... SAN DIMAS HIGH SCHOOL FOOTBALL RULES!!" Socrates = "So-crates Jonhson" Genghis Khan = Bob genghis Khan Joan of Arc = Maxine Arc Sigmund Freud = Sigmund Frood any mention of Iron Maiden (group or torture implement) = "put them in the iron maiden. Excellent! Execute them. Bogus!" "Dust in the Wind" = All we are is dust in the wind, dude. Dust. Wind. Dude.
• "get out of that jello tree" Ha! Me too! I remember seeing the ads on Canadian tv.
• oh, and seeing names of bands on a marquee= "Jolly green giant, crucial taunt, and the Shitty Beatles." "shitty Beatles? are they any good?" "nah, they suck." "oh, so its not just a clever name."
• Anything that can even remotely be treated as a sexual innuendo is leapt upon. heh heh. Leapt on.
• Damn it. This is the second time I visited this thread. I was playing the game so well, I didn't even realize what you were talking about, do you know pomo. Until just now. Suck!
• OMG! Am I too late? Every time I hear "soup or salad?" I say, "Sure, I'd love a big salad!"
• My sister had a boyfriend named Brandon Danger (pronounced DANG-er, like goll-danged). But that wasn't good enough. I figured he sounded like the hero of a radio serial in the 40's or something. So every time she'd say "and my boyfriend says..." I'd say, "Your boyfriend? You mean [radio voice] the legendary BRAAAANDON DAAAANGER?" She would be well-justified in stabbing me one of these days. Also, the words "auto da fe" make me do the sequence from History of the World, Part I. And yes, it does come up in conversation in my world, thank you. And this is the worst: "Come on" makes me think of "Come on boys, it's waiting there for yoooooou...it's gonna take a lot to take me awaaaaaaay from you...there's nothing that a hundred men or mooooore could ever doooooo..." ARGHHHHHHHH, it's happening again... Oh yes, and "It's happening again" makes me think of the episode of Twin Peaks with the giant telling cooper "It is happening...again. It is happening...again" while Maddie's being killed. Speaking of Twin Peaks, it's excruciating for me to talk to women named Diane on the phone without wanting to tell them what time it is and precisely where I am located.
• (and I know the line is "hurry, boys, she's waiting there for you," but as I'm sure EVERYONE here is aware, the lines don't need to be right to be what gets in your brain) Oh oh oh oh oh! And when I say "what is it?" and someone starts answering, I have to interrupt them with "WHAT IS IT???" after about their second word. It's my tribute to gir.
• (On Twin Peaks: With midgets or wow, the proper response is "Wow, Bob, wow.")
• Nothing funnier than two of my friends and I standing around saying, "Doctor. Doctor. Doctor? Doctor. Docter! Doctor," with different inflections. Same thing with answering the cell phone. "Hello! Hello. Hello? Hell-o. 'Lo. Hello," The ones with a sense of humor "hello" back. The ones without, Phtttt! Hey! It's MY cell phone, I pay the bill, and I'll answer it any d*mn way I please. Clucking like a chicken as an answer to a question at random times. Doesn't everyone?
• Men in Black II was on TV last night and the little worm-guys do the "Rectum? Damn near killed 'im!" line. Poor #2 had no clue.
• I've been on the lookout, but don't think I've seen it; our version of the "liquor" thing is "Liquor!? You lick 'er, you brought 'er!"
• Mine are mostly movie quotes. My friend Steve has ingrained the phrase "Yes . . . that's just what the Hebrews thought" from Raiders of the Lost Ark in response to just about any statement of fact. Also, when asked about what I'm doing, often the first thing that comes to mind is from The Abyss: "I was told to co-operate. I'm co-operating." I actually said that at work once, and got a completely blank look. Not surprising. And finally, at any meal that includes chicken, I have an urge to look down and say in a sad voice, "Many chickens died to bring us this meal." I have no idea why it's just chicken.
• Heh, duty. We were watching the history channel one day about the making of the Golden Gate Bridge or Empire State Building or somesuch, and the narrator said that the men wore "felt booties". That prompted "Heh, felt booty".
• (rar. If this posts twice, I'm sorry.) Oh, man. The problem I'm having is that I don't notice I'm doing these things. I probably do, though. (my dad has a Pavlovian reflex for this sort of thing, though.) As mentioned, phenomenon (do dooo dododo) and "Hi... I'm in Delaware" definitely. Though in my head, because I don't want to reveal just HOW MUCH of a dork I really am. There are more, I know, but I can't think of them right now. Also, this is a couple of years old, so I get a pass because of that... right? ...right? Outside my workplace a few years ago there were always industrial-size bags of mulch, stacked up. White plastic with black lettering. I can't remember it verbatim, but I think the main label was BARK BASE. And of course, while walking out every damn day I had to be tempted to scribble in "all your..." "...are belong to us" with a Sharpie. But I never did. Because if one is going to be called in for censure by one's supervisors, it should be for a more noble reason than an AYB joke. But it made me struggle valiantly not to giggle like an idiot every time.
• Hey, quoting "Waynes World" doesnt make you a dork, it makes you cool. very, very cool. (I fell on my keys.)
• "Put tab A into slot B--if you say 'that's what she said' one more time, I'm gonna pop you." (*vows to never go to any mofi meetups*)
• If anyone ever mentions Thomas Kinkade, I have to bellow "PAINTER OF LIGHT!!!" at the top of my lungs in a very bad Charleton Heston imitation. Anytime someone finishes a noticeably long sentence (particularly a formal one), I feel obliged to add "you bitch" at the end. And thanks to the internets, I can no longer hear the word frog without replying, "If I looking for frog..." Otherwise, about 90% of what's already here.
• Oh, and I can't encounter the word "pederast" without thinking, "What's a pederast Walter? / Shut the fuck up, Donny."
• Oh, and another one: at the mention of Brian Blessed, it is compulsory to shout "I am King of the Hawkmen!!" in as deep a voice as possible.
• There's a realtor's advertisement on a bench in my neighbourhood, that I must read aloud in a threatening Mob boss voice everytime I pass it: "Your personal realtor for life". Try ReMax and it's cement sneakers, bub.
• Has anyone seen the Futurama where they are skiing and there are robotic trees that pop in and out of the ground, and this weird mechanical voice yells "TREES DOWN!" For some reason, this is now the funniest thing in the world for me and my friends, to randomly yell "TREES DOWN!" at each other.
• If someone asks me "What do you think?" or "What do you know?" I am compelled to reply "Fifteen pounds is awfully big for a chicken." Because, you know, it is.
• MonkeyFilter: Fifteen pounds is awfully big for a chicken
• Well done, Sooooz
• *sharpens knives, mutters something about a list...*
• Any mention of wood: "Heh. You said wood." Anytime anyone shrugs and says "because, hey" I think "Free dummy." And I consider "party on, Garth" to be an acceptable response to any statement.
• What a hilarious batch here. I've used many myself. I've taken a liking to the GI Joe spoofs from a few years back where the guy says, "give him the stick. DON'T GIVE HIM THE STICK!" I'll say give me that glass, DON'T GIVE ME THAT GLASS...OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! And of course, "Y'know what this sauce needs?" "A little more cowbwell."
• Hahaha, the cowbell thing gets me everytime! Oh, and about the Jell-O tree commercial...where did you see that? I've been looking all over for it and haven't been able to find it.
• 2:30? Time to go to the dentist!
• For many years every time someone said 4:30, I'd start singing the chorus from that Spin Doctors song ("it's fo thirtay, thirtay"). I recently bought the album that song is on, and was promptly hit by a giant, killer wave of nostalgia.
• I know that whenever someone mentions Pavlov, as Wurwilf did up there, I start salivating.
• I'm with you all on the hammer & saw and rectum things... uhhm. Also: -"It's Tuesday, right?" "All day long." -Whenever asked for my opinion at work, I must always end my response with "But we'll see what the boys in the lab have to say."
• My grandparents had a bunch of responses to our annoying questions: Us: Where are you going? Them: To see a man about a dog. Us: Where are you going? Them: To find a wigwam for a horse's bridle. Us: What time is it? Them: Half past a freckle and the mole's catching up.