August 19, 2004
Bear guzzles 36 beers, passes out at campground
Saw this story and posted the reuters version on another forum. But if a bear goes after the premium beer I take camping, I'm gonna be fightin' that sucka. It'll just have to settle for the mass market swill on someone else's campsite.
They set a trap using as bait some doughnuts, honey and two cans of Rainier Beer.
Yeah, that'd just about snag anybody.
Any guesses on what Rainier Beer's next advertising campaign is?
I had an opportunity to go grizzly bear hunting once. The guide, during the preliminary prep, outlined the general pattern for hunting bears: you go out in the woods, find evidence of the bear, and then begin following the tracks/spoor in concentric circles. The kicker is that the bear will scent you and begin hunting *you* in concentric circles. The key is to have your circle such that you come up behind the bear, rather than the bear's circle come up behind you. Tricky bit, that last one. Being a mediocre shot at best and not nearly as large or as toothy as a bear, I passed.
That bear is my hero.
See, this is yet another example in my thesis that animals are *smart*.
And, of course, his name was Yogi, right?
Take that, Labatt Blue!
can you just imagine the sounds that came out of that bear when he woke up? I think many of you can . . .
Oh my God, can you imagine the headache from such awful swill???? Poor thing, someone should really leave out a bottle of something decent so he knows what good beer should taste like.
A bear??? Um, no -- that was me...
I recommend that on the bear's next binge, he drink plenty of water and take a multivitamin before going to bed.
I thought it was cranberry juice?
Do bears piss in the woods?
Silly brown bear,
I recommend you take
A break from all this stealing
And a couple of aspirin.
The raiding must stop
Lest it lead to your ruin.
Though people should know
Bears dearly love Bruin.
Brewin'?
But of course.
A rare occurance where the bear was drunker than the hunters.
'Bout time, I'd say. Now give him the gun.
With this in the news, it will be easier than ever to go to the campgrounds in a bear suit and snitch six-packs.
for any monkey-bears who like to drink too much beer in the woods, the magic formula is good ol' vitamin B1. take it the same night, I usually take 2. allow me to assure you I have tested this one quite a few times...
mct, time for you and me to stock up the medicine cabinets...
*checks yellow pages for nearest General Nutrition Center, gets Izzard DVD ready for night at TP's*
*thinks twice, starts looking for bear suits*
See. SEE! This is what happens when you repeal the Bear Patrol Tax folks! Now, I'm no tax and spend liberal, but one has to remember why we have government:
1) National Defense
2) Fight crime
3) Unwaivering protection of our beer from bears
4) (optional) All that other stuff
[/rant]
::
On a more serious note, I am curious to where they think they can relocate this bear to. Canada is no good, with all that Molsen. And I think you'd be hard pressed to find a place where an alkie bear can't raid a house to get his/her fix.
They've already scared him/her off once, and the next day he/she was right back in camp. So they move the bear a million miles away. But it'll only be a matter of time before the bear becomes brazen enough (or desperate enough for that sweet sweet taste of Rainier) to just walk on up on someone and hunt for beer or any other tasty treats.
I see this all ending badly, mostly for the bear.
I'm just amazed he was able to get his claws under the can pulls.
If a bear wants your beer, you give him the fucking beer. That's what my daddy told me, and now I tell you. Pass on what you have learned. Go. Tell your sister.. you were right about me..
The first step is that the bear has to admit he has a problem.
All your beer are belong to me!
And no, hic, I dond haf a drinkish probbum.
Bears do worse than Goldilocks.
First they take our beers, then our refrigerators. I tell you, if we don't put an end to this soon those damn bears will take our sofas and TV sets. Someone stop this madness!!
Bears want food!
And drinks that fizz!
Bears will have
All the food there is!
Black bears, greedy bears,
Open cabin doors and lumber up the stairs,
They open all the cabinets and refrigerators, too,
Downing everything from tooth paste to cans of Irish stew.
the primal vision
this is the season
when bears hole up
to dream a winter's tale
bears deep in their dens curl into balls
grope sleepily toward the place
where bears against all odds prevail
they snuffle among the chestnut groves
under the hemlocks and the pinyons
here bears grow fat on sweet nuts
as in days before hunters bore guns
The Bear's Money
by Louis Jenkins
Every fall before he goes to sleep a bear will put away five or six
hundred dollars. Money he got from garbage cans, mostly. Peo-
ple throw away thousands of dollars every day, and around here
a lot of it goes to bears. But what good is money to a bear? I
mean, how many places are there that a bear can spend it? It's a
good idea to first locate the bear's den, in fall after the leaves are
down. Back on one of the old logging roads you'll find a tall pine
or spruce covered with scratch marks, the bear runes, which
translate to something like "Keep out. That means you!" You can
rest assured that the bear and his money are nearby, in a cave or
in a space dug out under some big tree roots. When you return
in winter, a long hike on snowshoes, the bear will be sound
asleep. ... In a month or two he'll wake, groggy, out of sorts,
ready to bite something, ready to rip something to shreds ... but
by then you'll be long gone, back in town, spending like a
drunken sailor.
Hell of a fine line there GramMa! Here, let's have a round on me! Make it two!
Clay Henry, the beer-drinking goat. Fed him a six-pack myself a coupla years back.
btw the Big Bend region is some mighty good country.
what good is money to a bear?
Feel free to donate any unused money to me. Really, I'll put it to good use.
« Older Robo-One 2004 | Which MP3 Player? Newer »
To post comments to a thread you must login or create a profile.
