June 12, 2004

• I should also mention, I am in no way one of those women who expect my husband to perform certain duties at home before I consider sex. Fortunately, he has always been one to do things around the house without word one from me.
• I'm so glad you posted this, Darshon, because I had a similar experience. When I spoke to my doctor, I got so frustrated because she essentially just told me that we need to send the little guy to grandma's house more often to have some couple time. So men can take a pill to get the juices running, but women just have to buck up and do their wifely duties? Ultimately, it goes beyond a "he's bad, she's bad" conversation, and I would hate to see sterotypes of marriage reinforced by these posts. I think reading these posts has been enlightening and made me more sensitive to the needs of men...although I agree with some of the conjecture in Metafilter about the ulterior motives. There seem to be a suspicious number of Viagra ads...
• Z, you are aware that Viagra isn't an aphrodisiac right? It's more like a coagulant. Hard penis does not equal desire for sex and it's not splitting hairs to note that ability does not equal enjoyment, even with orgasm.
• Not being facetious, but is it possible for two people to remain sexually attracted to one another after so many years of life's ups and downs and daily irritations?
• "Hard penis does not equal desire for sex" I'll have to explain that to my penis
• Very enlightening. I've never actually known anyone who took Viagra, so it really didn't occur to me until just this very moment how exactly it works. I suppose I just assumed that getting the blood flow going to the penis starts the engine which raises the Titanic, so to speak. Thanks, forks. I have learned something new today.
• Because when you were a young novice mountaineer, the mountain was new. Each crevice and cranny was an unfamiliar place. Each plateau was a new challenge, a new adventure. The sheer joy of climbing was it's own reward, and the mountain seemed fresh and invigorating. And, well, shucks, 'because it was there'. But after a while, the mountain became familiar. The nooks and cracks gave themselves to your practiced, calloused fingers without even the guidance of vision. The summit became less of a challenging goal; now somewhat weathered and strewn with the detritus of vigorous expeditions. And once you've climbed the same mountain a few hundred thousand friggin times, you say to yourself, .. sod it, I'll stay home and drink some beer. There's a movie on. Watch the footy. The mountain will still be there, for another time. Besides, frostbite can be a hell of a thing for your iceaxe. Know what I mean?
• 12 years now with my current little friend, no complaints at all.
• Oh that poor possum.
• Following up on Nostrildamus' excellent metaphor, check out "The Tyranny of Domesticity" by Lakshmi Chaudhry that was posted as part of this excellent Metafilter thread about troubadours posted on Valentine's Day 2003 by y2karl.
• Well, Viagra just produces an erection. But honestly, so can friction. Obviously, so can desire. But so can having to urinate. So can... well, nothing. The mystery erection is the workday bane of most men's existence. Or mine, at least. More to the point, Viagra is entirely body oriented. It's not mind oriented. It's like the new pills that are coming out billed as feminine viagra: they produce natural lubrication and enhanced sensitivity, but so what if you're not in the mood?
• I've been with my Mrs for 14 years and to be honest, since about the 11th year, it's been ebb & flow of desire. We're still pretty sexy. We still go at it. There have been times of drought, but we don't worry about it and then the rains come. More important than anything, we still love each other and can't be without one another as life partners. Nothing else seems to matter. We still laugh a lot. I'm amazed that I've been with a woman for so long; it doesn't seem that long. Astounding that she could put up with me. Familiarity does put paid to sexiness, I have to say, and we swear by not living together (which we did for a decade) & this has kept the romance alive, + given us both autonomy in a sense. We visit with each other & it's a sort of 'your place or mine' thing, which is nice, actually. It also, strangely, allows the respect for someone's space to continue, which appears to be important. Sometimes you might want to be on your own. Obviously, we don't have kids, so we're not constrained in this way, otherwise it would be a totally different matter. Seeing someone wake up every morning looking rough, hearing them fart & belch, watching them scoff their food and get sick, have moods, squeeze pimples.. these things, sad to say (because it should not be so) do actually tend to put a bit of a mockers on one's romantic feelings. Unless you're perfect, which I'm not. (My wife, however, apparently is, and I don't argue with this anymore.) And fellas, don't ever, ever let your wife see you from behind, naked, bending over the bath or something. No matter how hunky you are from the front, you'll look like a hairy old he-goat with great dangling bollocks, and I can assure you it's not a pretty sight. I had a dreadful fear of farting in front of my wife for the first 4 years. I felt that if I did so she could not possibly love me any more, or find me attractive. I developed enormous sphincteral control. That was my only inhibition. And then the floodgates opened. I later found out that she's a silent farter and had been doing so with abandon the whole time. Hope these insights proved sexy, and any mental images they conjured will have you all rushing for the KY jelly with legs akimbo. /tip hat
• I am amazed that after having borne two children and making less effort than I used to to look nice for my husband, he's seems oblivious to, what I percieve to be, haggard-like looks. More than that, he makes an amazing effort, when I am in "hurry up and come" mode to make me slow down, relax and just feel the sensations. While we do have our 'quick fucks', there are those times when he wants a 'session' and he is able to bring me around and for that I am always deeply appreciative. Because when it's all said and done, it was exactly what I needed. He has always said that the biggest turn-on for him is my enjoyment. So, my advice to those women who are having difficulties, remember that he chose you and every man I ever met loves it when he is able to bring you to the edge and over. It is a powerful aphrodisiac, an ego boost and everyone gets the payoff.
• An acquaintance told me about having a go with a guy that used (needed, more like it...) the blue stuff (no, not MeFi!). 'Great for me at first, I mean, it just wouldn't quit, so for once, I was getting my time's worth, instead of the couple minutes like with some guys. But... it won't quit, so if performance isn't that dexterous, well, it's the same bumbling proddings, for far longer. And the dude wouldn't (achieve orgasm): time after time, he would just puff and groan. The last time, I half expected to end up with him collapsing, hearth failure, the works'. Not a very glamorous picture. Yes, the best aphrodisiac is watching our partner's reaction, enjoyment, abandon; the sharing of that feeling is what sparks those really hot moments.
• After our second child was born, my sex life really slowed down with my wife. It was quite frustrating, I have to admit. Even though I knew my wife was extremely tired, having hormonal swings from breastfeeding and (after ceasing breastfeeding) readjusting to her various OCD meds, it still felt personal sometimes. She was affectionate, but had almost no sex drive at all for close to two years. We talked about the situation with a lot of honesty, and the feelings of persecution or lack of attractiveness faded. They only occasionally came back when I was particularly tired or moody myself. The amazing thing is that we grew from it. The dry-spell ended with us both having grown certain that if some calamity happened and we could no longer have sex, our relationship would transmute and survive. Sex is great, extemely satisfying and a wonderful part of our relationship today. However, it simply isn't the wellspring of our intimacy or the foundation of our marriage. I think that is a win for us. Having had an "open" first marriage, I'm glad that I knew that for me, the answer is not to go outside the relationship. I'm glad I had that experience, but polyamory isn't for me. Monogamy, even mostly "dry" monogamy for a couple years, is the necessary incubator for true intimacy in my life.
• Commenting on the link in this post: I might feel more sympathetic to the dude that's not getting enough sex from his wife, but there's a few things about this guy's blog that, uh, squick me out. 1) The porn fixation. He writes about his sexual encounters like it's Penthouse Forum, he talks about how even though he likes to go down on his wife, he wishes she'd shave; his fantasies are total porn setups; he's cruising for porn every day because he's horny, but it only makes him hornier, then he gets mad because he's not getting laid enough; his list of blog links on the side of the page is very porn-o-riffic. This doesn't seem too healthy, putting your sex life through a porn filter. You're focusing on fantasies, not realities. 2) The blowjob/handjob insistence, repeated over and over and over. Just give him a blowjob. Men like blowjobs. Blowjobs are great. Stop what you're doing and jerk him off. Swallow. That's all men want. It sounds like a tired old raunch stand-up chestnut. Howard Stern, or Andrew Dice Clay, something like that. A stereotype. An idea of what he thinks a man should be like. 3) I'm still waiting for the blojob and swallow. How do I tell her that's what I want? Suggestions? Um.... you tell her? I dunno, is that one too easy to pick out? Sounds like communication is shit in this marriage - asking for oral sex is not like some weird fetish or something. 4) He wants to get her copies of the books The Surrendered Wife and Fascinating Womanhood (because he was reading this). The feminist in me finds this kind of repellant. Whatever floats your boat and all, but still. 5) This entry made me just stop and say.... what the fuck? 6) Let me not even get into the trust factor: I know letting it all hang out is the thing these days, but would you want to be the wife of the guy detailing your intimate moments and sexual shortcomings to the world, for their entertainment? I doubt she knows about this, or would consent to it if she did. I can only hope this is all a big setup, not a real person, and it's really just a way to advertise Viagra and pitch porn sites, you know, under the radar or something. =P
• Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex. Where were we?
• I found the Suburban Sex blog troubling -- very, actually - for a lot of the same reasons as Melinika, particularly the entry about using violent sex as an (unacknowledged even) "punishment" for being racist. Most disturbing for me was his "epiphany" that he would like to have a Taken in Hand relationship. Identifying as a feminist means in part that what others - men and women - choose honestly for themselves requires respect regardless of how you feel about it. However, I think it says a great deal about the SSBlogger's communication problems within his marriage if he not only cannot talk to his wife about what he wants in bed, but he thinks that the "Surrendered Wife" is something that you can demand she become. Frankly, reading this has made me feel not a little disturbed this morning and so now I'm going for a run to get it out of my mind. I guess what I should try to have said more succintly is the importance of not conflating this particular man and his viagra-addled blog with the very real and worthy-of-open-discussion issue of divergent and fluctuating sex drives, and the social problem of where and how men can talk about such intimate and personal issues. (I say men only because in my personal experience, women have an easier time finding friends to talk to about such things although not exclusively and clearly, it can be a large problem for all people).
• What Nostril said. Familiarity may not necessarily breed contempt, but it can lower desirability. You see each other at your most unpretty long enough, and things can cool down pretty quickly. Which is why I'm glad that my wife agrees with me -- neither one of us will ever, ever see the other going to the bathroom. Funny story about that: A buddy of mine got married a few years back to a woman who is more than a little crazy -- nice, madly in love with him, generally of good mental health, but a bit of a nut. Not long after they married he was in the bathroom having a poop, when she walked in, sat down on his lap, and started having a conversation with him. "I want to be this close to you," she said. His reaction? "I don't want to be that close to me. Honestly, if I could pay someone else to poop for me, I would." He was so astonished he couldn't finish. Seriously, I couldn't sleep with the woman after that, if I were him.
• I don't know, that sounds like kind of a turnon to me.
• I mean, it turns me on. Obviously, some it on, others it off, turns, obviously.
• ha ha ha! You instantly regretted posting that first one, didn't you, PF? :D :D Doh!! I could sense the "oh damn, that doesn't sound right!" from over here. :) But it's too late! Now we all know that PF really stands for Poopy Fiend. :D :D :D :P
• Melinika: You've pretty much got all the points that bothered me about this post. I'm not picking up much in the way of love, respect, tenderness, etc. for the wife from this guy. I sure wouldn't want to sleep with an attitude like his. Which is not to say I don't have sympathy/empathy for any male (or female) in this situation. There is, shall we say, a disparity in the sexual drive between me and my SO that causes anguish in this marriage. Enough said. Saying that much feels like a certain violation of privacy. However, that is my problem to deal with. *draws curtain neither one of us will ever, ever see the other going to the bathroom I gotta laugh at this one. 4 kids. 2 adults. ONE bathroom--for years. If you can't be arsed to ASK before you climb into the shower, or be willing to cut it short on a moment
• If a woman is more than willing to sit on your lap while you take a shit, I guess that's about as sure a sign of love as you could ever wish for.
• To each his or her own, I guess! I'm definitely very squeamish and when I'm in a relationship any activity involving a toilet is done behind closed doors. But in a more general way, SacPro, I think you are right. A sure sign of love is when one is willing to accept and respect those parts of someone that they need to have accepted and respected, whether it be a closed door or an open one.
• Unless it is really, really smelly.
• This is an interesting possibility.....74%! Yowza!
• No no no - no poop derailments. I need some tried-and-true answers for getting any. Cause that's what I want. Any.
• Wow, Darshon, do they make that patch for men? (Not, you know, that I'd need it or anything, just, you know. In case. Of a disproportion. In drive. Should one arise. If.)
• [did I just say what I thought I said? - damn you BlueHorse and your damned Demon Drink!]
• Hey, wha? Hoo? Waja blame this one on ME for? It's not like I made you eat the worm.
• I TRUSTED you. You betrayed me. YOU!! oh god
• OK, here's a topic I can really get into (ahem). Kids do definitely put a damper on things. There are other problems, though. Unfortunately, my wife is a really light sleeper, while I am a restless, but heavy sleeper. The result? If we're in the same bed sleeping, I'm the only one who gets sleep. If any of you have a solution, I'm all ears. Currently, I usually just sleep on the couch. I can sleep almost anywhere, but one of the reasons I got married, sorta, is to wake up next to someone, y'know?
• A friend of mine's parents had this idea. They used two single mattresses on one double bed, side by side. That way the heavier sleeper is less likely to wake the lighter sleeper when tossing and turning.