August 01, 2010

Monkeys hate flying squirrels, report monkey-annoyance experts. "Japanese macaques will completely flip out in when presented with a flying squirrel, a new study in monkey-antagonism has found. The research could pave the way for advanced methods of enraging monkeys." [Via]
posted by homunculus 13 years ago
  • Hey, Rocky, watch me pull a rabbit out of a hat! But that trick never works! This time for sure! PRESTO!! Oh shit, it's not a rabbit, it's a monkey!!! Run for your life, Rocky!!! Well, I'm one MonkeyFilter Monk who is never siding with Boris Badenov, that's for sure.
  • If you think presenting a monkey with a flying squirrel will enrage him, try taking away his bananas!! It's important to know the ten tips on how to prevent or survive a monkey attack. #1. Learn that whatever the situation is, never heckle a monkey. Remember, monkeys have feelings, too.
  • #2 Never refer to chimpanzees or other primates as "monkeys". (REAL monkeys are notoriously speciesist) #3 Never use slang terms like "monkeying around". Computer techies should also avoid the term "code monkey". #4 Always clean up after your dogs; you do not want to provide an easy source of poo to fling. #5 Do not leave "child proof" packages out where monkeys can get to them. As dangerous to them as the contents may be, when they are frustrated trying to open them, the packages WILL be converted to projectiles. #6 Do not laugh in a monkey's presence, even if it is at the latest episode of "Futurama" (damn, that show's getting better all the time!). Monkeys will always assume that any laughter is at their expense. #7 Music may have charms etc. etc., but only Smooth Jazz, Showtunes or Modern Country (not Bluegrass). All other genres will drive them wild. And avoid live music; a saxophone is the first thing they'll go after. #8 NO FLASH PHOTOGRAPHY. #9 Never promise a monkey anything you are not 100% positive you can deliver on. If you promise to take them to Denny's, they will never accept IHOP. #10 If you ever find yourself caught in a political discussion with monkeys, just turn on Fox News and leave the room immediately. and to repeat #1, NEVER HECKLE A MONKEY. They will inevitably react even worse than Michael Richards (and you thought that wasn't possible).
  • From BlueHourse's link: "The monkey can run, jump and climb better than you." :( Monkeys make me insecure.
  • Oh, oh! Time for an intervention here. Jay, take a deep breath. You ARE a Monkey. You can run, jump, climb and hoot with the best of them. Realize your deep simian potential. Release the inner primitive anthropoid. Allow yourself to fling poo at the world and dance at the tip of the branch. Cast away your stifling simian nature, and embrace the unfettered troglodytes within you. Now, it's time for a group Monkey huggle.
  • Pile on group huggle for Jay :)
  • Somehow without reading the article, all I can think of is synchronized swimming. Guess I better RTFA