March 27, 2006

• step 1. get a TV show step 2. step 3. PROFIT!
• No, because the cameras could capture my SOUL!!!! Or one of them. In my religion, we believe that people have four souls.
• fuck religion. start a charismatic cult, manipulate all the gullible sheep into giving you their money and their 12 year old daughters (or sons, as you may prefer). then be sure to get yrself to some non-extradicting country before your gov'ts version of the ATF comes a-knockin'. Bolivias my choice, as an american't, but I don't know what extradition policy they may have downunder...
• I would say earn converts. Talk to people about it. Make a website. I don't know about Oz law, but there's not government registry of religions in the US or anything like that. As long as you're nonprofit and claim a religious purpose, bingo, you're recognized over here. But I realize that's not much help down there in your neck of the woods. Still, I think it's largely a matter of spreading the word. The internet is your friend on this. Also, e-mail me the details of your religion when you get time. I'm fascinated by this kind of thing, have considered taking the time to cobble together my own religion after I'm out of school and have more free time. I'd be interested to see what you've done.
• Can you please please tell us the name of your new religion? I'm dying to know!
• Dupes Followers. You need followers. I'm game, btw. Got a hole in my soul the size of Greenland.
• Oh, and a charismatic leader helps.
• I think you should name it Raoul
• Raoul! Now there's a religion I could get behind!
• First you have to figure out who your enemy(ies) is (are) that you will fight bloody wars with for centuries and in so doing overshadow any good that may come from your seemingly noble sentiments. Second, you will have to come up with a way to convince your followers to disregard rational thought processes. I'm sure there is more, but that is all that comes to mind just now.
• Buddhist much, Ralph?
• Now I have that old Duran Duran song, "New Religion," stuck in my head. Sigh.
• I think getting a bunch of celebrities on board with metric assloads of cash is the secret. Will there be aliens?
• Yeah, there are aliens. But its not like Scientology, this is much better written.
• I assume Vegemite will be the most exalted state of being?
• Apparently there's a religion called 'Yazeedism'. I have a friend called Yazeed who thinks that this is hilarious.
• I think your best way to start would be to start with a similar religion and look at people who are a little dissatisfied with it. Piggyback on a main(-er)-stream one (Protestantism = Catholicism - Pope, Eckenkar = non-Indians + Hinduism, ToS = CoS + crappy Egyptian mythology, etc.)
• Much depends on what your own goal is in promulgating this religion. If money-making is the main objective for you, you'll have to invest Big Bucks in the marketing, and bamboozlement will have to be one of your main objectives. If your main concern is "helping people", then you need to make your love of people (hahahaha!) clear from the start, and that love has to be the focus of your campaign.
• A few nice juicy ambiguous and unverifiable miracles would certainly help to get the punters on board. Have lots of dieties to broaden your market base. The biggest problem with most religions and their adherents today is their utter lack of humor. Any god(s)worth his/her/its/their salt should have a sense of humor. And no celibacy. And monkeys should figure prominently, somewhere. OM.
• There was a guy at my club who I played tennis with who said his business was starting up store front ministeries and then selling them to ministers. I just questioned him enough to be sure he wasn't pulling my leg.
• Someone asked metafilter how to lead a cult. That has some book recommendations on: Influence and the psychology of persuasion,books on brainwashing, and psyche shifts in culture. Finally, there is a guy who wrote a book on starting his own religion. Those might be good starting points in getting followers. But they won't tell you about registering as a religion, or getting a religion officially recognised. I'm guessing the ways to get a religion officially recognised might differ according to the country?
• "The Benevolent Order of Fuck Off & Die, Shitbrain"? Still beats [Insert YOUR faith here].
• You gonna turn your back on the One True Mothra?
• Is there a way that I can register as a religion This is something I've wondered about myself, as accounts of relatively new religions often mention the difficulty in getting the official church org recognized by the government for tax and legal purposes. One can understand why this is so from a government policy standpoint, but those accounts often hint at the shadowy movements necessary by legitimate applicants to get around these roadblocks. It does make one wonder exactly how it is made to happen. we believe that people have four souls Are these mutually exclusive souls, or backup souls? You gonna turn your back on the One True Mothra I have difficulty respecting any 'god' vulnerable to bug spray and mechanical lizards.
• Then when Mothrageddon comes, you will not be spared. Even Werzog cannot save you now. Okay, Werzog could. But he won't. SLEEP TIGHT.
• I'm gonna add onto es el Queso's excellent list: 1. Lure followers with promises of sex and drugs. References to an impending Armageddon couldn't hurt either. 2. Move into a "compound." 3. Start publishing your sacred writings on the internet. 4. Write a book. 5. Go on a promotional tour of talk shows hawking your little tome. 6. Use the TV appearances as leverage to start your own program. 7. ????? 8. PROPHET!!!
• 1. This is not a means to fleece people. 2. Not interested in forcing people into anything, this is a religion of peace and individual development. No proselytising, no marketing. The philosophy is based on non-interference. 3. There is no 3. 4. You're alowed to be happy. 5. The name of the movement is secret right now. Nal, these souls combine in the human during life, but separate upon death.
• must... not... post...
• The name of the movement is secret right now. The first rule of Chycult is: you do not talk about Chycult.
• I think I'm having a movement right now...
• You might want to check out the Universal Life Church. They're sort of a non-denominational umbrella organization ("choose your own path") . If you're a programmer, think of them as the base class from which you can inherit the rights of a state recognized religion but whose rules (save one) are virtual functions which can be overriden.
• 6. It's ok if you're lactose intolerant. We have a thing for that. 7. In my religion, we don't use programmer language like Nomen Nescio.
• Not to be a continual shill or nothin', but the Book of the Subgenius is pretty much a manual on this subject. It is work to get through, being deliberately annoying/obfuscatory at times to weed out the idiots (at least in theory).
• Subgenius is too hipster for me, despite the influence of Robert Anton Wilson, whom I rever.
• e.
• My system uses an degree initiation method, to weed out people not ready for the hard stuff. I'm thinking of keeping the hardcore philosophy secret until the highest levels! :D
• you have interrupted your own rever-e.
• 7. In my religion, we don't use programmer language like Nomen Nescio. Heathen.
• Holee shit! ethylene!
• Mornin' Cap'n!
• Sign me up, I got nothin' better to do.
• Will there be bumper stickers? Cuz I don't have a car.
• Stickers.. there will be environmentally friendly bio-degradeable fun bumf for everyone. There will be an unending supply of bumf. You name it, there will be some of it.
• 1. Chy: Please relax. It was a joke.
• 1. I know. I just want to make it look like I'm for real.
• Stimulating the brain of subjects with electromagnets causes tiny seizures in the temporal lobes that induce the subjects to believe they have spiritual experiences. Bob's yer uncle.
• Robes. You need flowing robes. And according to another thread around here, Medusa's ass will be your faith. So you got that goin' for ya. Which is nice.
• The robes will be dark purple.
• I shall be known from henceforth as Prophet Exidor.
• Known to those in the innermost circle by his Most Sacred Name, Becky.
• Prop Open Exit Door?
• According to this, you must first climb a high mountain and suffer from oxygen depletion. After that , it shall follow as the knight the dame.
• Damn. Mountains are a bit scarce in Oz.
• Oh, but I already had a revelation, so that's ok, then.
• Was it a dinner revelation?
• An Indian revelation.
• Maybe you should keep your day job.
• If you blaspheme on me, I'll call on the Prana Witches to make your balls swell up painfully.
• If we got a whole group of people to blaspheme on you, we could videotape it and put it on the internet.
• I would never allow it, because of the risk of resin doll Toynbee idea resurrect dead on planet Jupiter sex fetish exploitation.
• There's one of those outside my building, Exidor damn it!
• All hail Becky.
• I worth-ship the Werzog! I annoint my soles with the sputle of his enemies and the cakes of his ear wax!
• Chy, that degree initiation thing you spoke of sounds like the Mormons. And they have to tithe plenty to learn all of the secret stuff. So, profit, indeed.
• If I convert, how many days can I expect to take off work for religious holidays?
• I'll call on the Prana Witches to make your balls swell up painfully. Hilariously enough, her name was Becky - but I had no idea she was a Prana Witch, honest.
• 1. This is not a means to fleece people. 2. Not interested in forcing people into anything, this is a religion of peace and individual development. No proselytising, no marketing. The philosophy is based on non-interference. Mmmh. Don't know, Chy. All that sounds too difficult, hard to sell and possibly troublesome for you. Got any qualms about, eh, you know, ending up hanging from nails on a wooden contraption or something similar..?
• I have no qualms about martyring someone. I know people.
• I'll be a martyr. I got nothin' better to do.
• Not gonna hurt, is it?
• Sweeter words haven't been spoken, Koko ; )
• Do I get to achieve one-ness/ecstasy/everlasting peace here on Earth, or do I have to wait for some unverifiable afterlife?
• Also, remember that censers and nasty smelling incense make a nice touch to any sacred space.
• And you need a sacred relic. Some old parchment, wooden splinter, funny-looking rock, old movie ticket stub... I'd suggest an avocado seed. Round, smooth, and can open an infidel's brow if thrown properly.
• Let's not forget hymns. Without bad music, poorly sung by talentless singers, it just wouldn't be a church.
• He's left us a sock!! It's a sign!!
• the sock was lost, and now it is found. all hail Chyren Profit Exitdoor!
• Dude, you figure out a way to verify your version of the afterlife, you've got yourself a mover.
• Justify your censer-ship however you please.
• And you need a sacred relic. Some old parchment, wooden splinter, funny-looking rock, old movie ticket stub... I'd suggest an avocado seed. Round, smooth, and can open an infidel's brow if thrown properly. Yes, it's perfect! It's the Holy Grail of religious icons.
• Relic... I've got an old warped tennis racket from the 60s I found under a house that I got signed by Roy & H.G., will that do?
• I recommend a version of the afterlife characterized by no neural activity, insensitivity to pain, and possible euphoria due to lack of neurotransmitters and permeability of cell membranes. "When you die, you will be released from all earthly pain and concerns!"
• Unless you're not from our church, in which case we'll hook you to machines and keep you artificially tied to your pain-filled, decaying body.
• CHYREN IS A FALSE PROPHET. THE ONE TRUE PROPHET HAS BEEN REVEALED.
• Once again, Chyren sweeps the board of jests. May I contribute "Conradism"? Relic being a ship in a bottle enwrapped in parchment, suitably barnacled and corroded. Blaise Bailey Finnigan's comment, ".. Some old parchment, wooden splinter, funny-looking rock, .." and a surge of Conrad lapped the shore of one's consciousness. In this context, four souls lead with attributes thus; motivation, calculation, manipulation, presentation . Integration on death at a celebration in Davy Jones' Locker as one quaffs liberal quantities of "The Poteen" brewed by The Old Man of the Sea!
• How on earth did we make it to quarter of a million comments?
• signed by Roy & H.G., will that do? That racket would be perfect, but... Roy & Siegfried? H.G.... Wells?
• Siegfried & Wells, they mistreat tigers from the future!
• Another revelation I had (in fact I should start getting into the habit of saying 'I had a vision!') was that giving thanks before a meal is a pretty good thing, actually, and in pre-industrial societies was probably a good way of cementing a bond between an individual and his environment; however, instead of giving thanks to a deity, in my religion we'll thank nature and the animals who died in nasty ways to make our lovely, tasty pie. Mmmmmmmmmm. Pie.
• Conradism, eh? Old Joe will roll in his grave.
• How on earth did we make it to quarter of a million comments? *shrugs* I dunno.
• *shuffles feet, avoids eye contact* Uh, kit? It's kit's fault?
• Hey cobaltnine, what is "ToS"? Google ain't being helpful.
• I believe cobaltnine is referring to the Temple of Set, a spinoff of the Church of Satan that has a decidedly more Egyptian tone.
• Blaise Bailey Finnegan is back! Hi BBF!
• Krk! Snrk. *rolls over; mutters something about bacon* Guhhh, hey. *Falls back asleep* Snrk.
• Siegfried & Wells, they mistreat tigers from the future! Beautiful! That will be chapter one of the sacred tome of my new religion.